130 – Stockholm Syndrome
1)
When I was young, there was a time when I went to school without a wire…
I never thought that the difficulty of school life would change depending on whether or not I had friends to go to with.
Because, in first grade, I played with Yoo Seon, ate delicious food and had fun. Of course, I thought I would play with Yoo Seon like that even in 2nd grade… But it wasn’t.
As soon as Seon Yoo became a sophomore, he became easily friendly with other classmates, but I wasn’t as friendly as Yoo Seon.
I didn’t know that a naughty kid who doesn’t do well in school and who sleeps in the back seat every day ends up at the bottom of the food chain.
It’s hard being bullied by her mother at home and being ignored by her dad.
When I went to school, the kids who spoke weird… And smelled like cigarettes always started pulling my hair when they saw me.
Don’t do it at first. Don’t- I said it, but they didn’t even pretend to hear it.
So let’s ignore it. If you don’t react like a turtle hiding in its shell, won’t those kids bully the other kids?
I didn’t know. When you see a turtle hiding in its shell, there are kids who want to break the shell by knocking it down with a rock.
The more I don’t respond, the harder they hit me, and the pranks get more and more harsh… In art class, they spilled paint or tripped me up.
In PE class, the teacher would hit me with a soccer ball whether he saw it or not, and then- he would bring a strange insect and put it in front of me… Or lock me in a cleaning kit.
A hot summer day. Bad boys locked me in a stinky cleaning kit.
And they didn’t release it until class was over. The teacher… Didn’t seem to care even if I wasn’t there.
Because I was a kid who didn’t go to school…
It was a terrible time.
If you make noise, I will kill you. Because I was threatened.
At home, I always hide in the closet because I’m afraid that my mom will hit me, but I was dying to be like that at school.
This never happened when I was with Yoo Seon in the past.
It was difficult at home, but at school every day was full of fun things.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you… But when I go to Yoo Seon’s class… Yoo Seon is always hanging out with other friends.
I want to wear it too, but I couldn’t.
Because, just when I approached, Yoo Seon-i’s friends next to me said with a smile – “Don’t come.”
I… Can play with Yoo Seon better than you guys. You have a lot of friends
I only have one wire. Give it back give me back my friend…
I plucked up the courage to talk to them while Yu Seon was away, but her seed didn’t work either. Rather hit me with her fist, kick me with her foot.
I’m sorry. Sorry. I’ll never go off topic again…
Begging, apologizing. After screaming until my throat was hoarse… I was released.
In that sense, I really hate being in the dark.
Because the things that happened back then keep coming back to me…
So I always sleep with the light on.
I always have nightmares.
A nightmare in which the thick darkness engulfs me.
A dream of coming back to elementary school and being lethargic while having your favorite friend taken away.
I was so afraid of the darkness in that dream that I went to sleep with all the lights turned on…
I felt a strange and frightened feeling, so when I opened my eyes, it was dark everywhere, as if a black curtain had been drawn.
As soon as I realize that I am in the dark where I can’t see a single light, like being trapped in a dark and cramped closet or a cleaning kit again.
I want to escape, I want to run away. Scared.
Why? Why?? Why..?? Why? Did this happen? Are you sure you slept with all the lights on? Why is the light suddenly off? There’s never been anything like this before.
This never happened when Yu Seon was sleeping in this room. Why are all the lights on when I am sleeping?
Why? What could be the reason? Did something so horrible and scary happen?
2)
“…..Uhh…Hueeng…”
Lee Jin-ah, who suddenly opened the door and ran out of the room screaming, screamed at her in anger, and then she sat down on the porch and began to cry.
As for Lee Jin-ah, even at a glance, she was insane.
A person’s face can turn white like drawing paper. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s good.
And I could see my face turning red like a tomato.
Because her skin was pale, the changes in her emotions were easily revealed on her face.
I don’t know why.
Why are you suddenly screaming like that, pouring out your anger on your own, and then sitting down and crying?
She sat on the sofa and touched only the silly controller.
This kind of thing happened, but she just danced next to me and was too conscious to exercise.
Should I be comforted? I cry so sadly…
But it may not be a problem that can be solved by me. Thinking of what I’ve been through to Lee Jin-ah, I had no obligation to help her… But I didn’t think it was a good thing.
-Sniff…
-The next move is like this~! Raise her arms…
When she was young, she went to the first grade of elementary school, and when she was in the third grade, she met Lee Jin-ah again.
At that time, at least in my opinion, I didn’t think I was very close with Lee Jin-ah.
I was close but she was my friend of 1 year. It was such a relationship that she seemed to break up when the grade changed.
Just as I naturally hung out with other kids and played, Jinah Lee also thought that she would be able to play with the kids of her age in moderation. She didn’t
You always had a hard time getting along with other people, so you always had to stay out of the way.
Just as herbivores that lag behind in her herd always fall prey to predators, Jina Lee at that time was a good toy for children at the top of her food chain.
Those kids seem to have committed an incomprehensible eccentricity even now.
Throwing spoiled milk, carrying strange insects to feed, hitting, bullying. It was not uncommon in her nursery school to do such mean things to her classmates.
She feels like she will retaliate if she tells her teacher that she is being bullied. She was not a teacher or someone who cared that much about the class, so she must have been to die for Lee Jin-ah.
Jina Lee had been holding on hard for a year without me… When she met again, Jina Lee was on the verge of collapsing.
Trampled on her head, beaten on her belly, and pinched and eaten like a dog…
To be honest, I wasn’t very interested in other people, and I wasn’t loyal.
But she wasn’t a bad person enough to turn a blind eye to desperately begging for help.
…
… Come to think of it, Jina Lee had a lot of things she couldn’t do to her surprise because she was then bullied.
Among them, I morbidly hated being alone in the dark.
“Are you okay…? Are you okay…?”
I turned off the light.
She lifted Lee Jin-ah, who was sitting down at the front door, and wiped away the tears that flowed down her cheeks.
Tears welled up in her big eyes.
Her body was shaking.
“…Nothing happened… It’s okay…”
Before I knew it, I was hugging her and comforting her.
Just as I comforted her when she was crying when she was little, I still soothe her the same way now.
“…”
I worked out all day today and my whole body was covered in sweat, but I didn’t have time to worry about that.
Two small hands were holding onto my collar.
“I… Am so scared…”
I was shaking.
This happened under unexpected circumstances… But that didn’t mean Lee Jin-ah was angry with me.
This was more of a plea than an expression of anger.
Just like telling her to take care of herself and be responsible.
There was nothing I could do in this situation, so I stood Jin-ah up and took her to her room.
As if playing house, I laid Jin-ah on the bed and covered her with a blanket.
As I was about to get up, feeling that it was similar to when we first met… Jin-ah was holding onto my wrist again and acting childishly. Stupid…? Live flock..? I don’t know.
Her ears were stained red as she turned her eyes slightly so as not to come across her head.
-Are you going? Will you stay by my side today?
I couldn’t hear it, but Jina was talking to me like that.
What should I do? I’ve been thinking about it for a while… I just don’t know.
For some reason, the image of Jin-ah in front of me now is Jin-ah, who had a difficult and painful childhood. It reminded me of her true self in those days when she couldn’t do anything without my help… So I couldn’t leave her and run away.
“…I’ll wash up and come back. Wait”
Her whole body was wet with sweat, so she wanted to wash up.
Jinah also understood that much.
She finished her shower in moderation and returned to bed.
She covered her neck with her blanket and stared at me.
Because I feel sorry for anything else.
To be honest, if she had grown up in a normal family, she wouldn’t have had anything to do with me.
I wouldn’t be confined to a cleaning kit all day, and I wouldn’t have the quirk of screaming and screaming alone in the dark.
In a way, Jina didn’t do anything wrong, and couldn’t her family be the reason why she became like this?
Jin-ah, from her point of view, she couldn’t even decide the environment. Since she was a child, she has been through various things, so maybe her personality is twisted and twisted…?
“…Only this time”
I don’t know if it’s because she can’t sleep, or if she’s triggered by trauma.
From noble mtl dot com
…If I wasn’t by your side, it would be a big problem, so I wanted to take care of you and take care of you.
So today I allowed Lee Jin-ah to be held in my arms.