44 – Recalling the Cud (4)
“Woo-wook… !”
“Cain!! Cain!!”
“Do, boy!”
“Who trained soldiers inside the mansion… !”
“I beg you to stay out of sight for a while….”
Both the voices of Illencia calling me anxiously and the voices of the servants rushing in have all faded away.
The rising feeling of vomiting made my back bend and tears welled up in my eyes.
[You have to forget it.]
Memories erased. Memories I wanted to erase. The memories I tried to erase.
I couldn’t control my body at the moment when the memory that I had been hiding and forcibly pushed over there came back to me.
My whole body is shaking.
It was as if the chill that I was used to now penetrated deep into my bones, and I couldn’t leave my body alone.
It’s weak.
Why am I so weak?
That was the first thought that came to my mind the moment the memory came to mind. To collapse with something like this on the subject of such a promise.
I was on the verge of tears.
Murder was something I was determined to do, and I believed that I would be able to overcome it. It wasn’t even a group that said they would participate in the operation without even making any resolutions.
But why did I keep running away?
“Wow wow….”
I just struggled with my patheticness and cowardice.
#
‘Cain’s condition….’
Illensia bit her beautiful lips and restless.
As of now, no matter how good she was at hiding her feelings, it was of no use.
“Come on… Come on, do something!!”
Illensia raised her voice to the servants who ran to Cain. Her servants flinched and trembled at the bloody spirit she spewed out, but to no avail.
Because there was no one who could be involved in Cain’s mind here.
Such people were not common in the empire, and most of them were illegal, so they were not worthy of staying in such a weak family.
Illencia knew that too, but she was not in a situation where she could think soberly.
Her pale face and the kind hand that always caressed her trembled.
His eyes trembled incessantly as if he was frightened, and the water droplets flowing from them showed no sign of stopping, and his body was trembling like an aspen tree.
I already knew from Melon that Cain was deeply traumatized.
She didn’t know exactly how deep it was, but she did think that she wouldn’t be light if she buried her own memories.
However, when she saw her in real life, Illensia couldn’t help but eat her fear.
Her always kind and firm man was crumbling.
She seemed as if she would never come back, as if she was collapsing into a deeper place so easily and quickly.
What if it gets ruined forever like this?
Those thoughts enveloped Illencia. She is the only person she can rely on, the only person she can trust.
She is the first and last person she will ever love.
Watching such a person collapse from the side was more painful and regrettable than I could have imagined.
Unable to grab hold of her tearing chest, Illensia fell on her face and gently embraced Cain’s trembling body.
“It’s okay… are you okay….”
How painful was it?
How hard it must have been to be alone with those painful memories and no one to turn to.
Illensia vaguely knew.
She also explains why Cain forced her to participate in the operation, and why she tried to kill people there.
She could have known if she was not a fool that she was in that reason.
Higher status gap.
A relationship that is obviously not allowed.
To break it, he rushed into the battlefield. Knowing that he did such a thing, Illencia pretended not to know even if he knew.
And now she was deeply regretting that decision.
So it didn’t work.
If she had known that he would be this hard and painful, she would never have let him go.
Illensia held Cain’s large body even tighter as she thought so.
“You can cry… Was it hard?”
From nob le mt l dot com
Killing people with your own hands.
Some people will be able to do it without blinking an eye, while others will hesitate and hesitate even in extreme situations.
And the Cain Illencia knew belonged to the latter group.
A person who cannot take someone else’s life to protect his own. A kind-hearted and kind-hearted person.
The reason why such a person decided to kill a person was because of himself.
That’s why it shouldn’t be broken. It should not collapse.
Wiping the tears that rolled down Cain’s cheeks, Illencia whispered to him as tenderly and softly as possible.
“Don’t worry. I am by Cain’s side.”
Despite Illencia’s kind and beautiful voice, Cain couldn’t come to her senses.
No, he didn’t seem to be able to hear Illencia’s voice.
Cain’s dark eyes trembled.
His gaze was now on the floor, but Illencia realized he wasn’t looking at the floor.
Cain was replaying memories of killing people.
Warm drops of blood and flesh splattered before my eyes. The sword shining bright blue, the feel and smell of cutting people… It was repeated countless times.
“Wow wow….”
Cain shuddered at the sight and shook his body.
“It’s okay, it’s okay….”
Seeing that scene, Illensia couldn’t help but shed tears of its own accord.
Because I resent myself for not being able to do anything even though the person I love is suffering, and I feel so sorry and sorry for him.
Even so, this heart did not reach him.
All I can do is say it’s okay and give him a hug.
Illensia shed tears.
Just as Illencia was trying to appease Cain, someone stepped in front of Cain.
“…… Young master.”
Cain finally responded to that low, familiar voice.
Cain’s cloudy, hazy eyes turned to the one who called him, and his mouth slowly opened.
“Be… Le Man….”
With a calm expression, Berman bent his knees and met Cain’s gaze.
She didn’t know why she didn’t respond to Illencia’s voice and she responded to his, but it seemed that Cain wanted an answer.
What should I do in this situation?
If it’s you, don’t you know?
Berman smiled bitterly at Cain’s questioning gaze.
Each person has a different way of dealing with their first murder.
Berman was relatively insensitive to murder. He has been on the battlefield since he was a child, and death always hovered around him.
Now, he was lucky enough to catch the grand duke’s eyes and become a knight of the grand duke’s family, but like other knights, he did not live in a comfortable environment.
So he didn’t care too much when he got his first kill.
I thought it was natural to kill the enemy in order to survive on the battlefield.
However, that didn’t mean that they looked down on Cain or that Cain didn’t look the same.
Berman calmly met Cain’s eyes and opened his mouth.
“Brother.”
“Be… le… only.”
“Do you want to be comfortable?”
Cain nodded slowly at Berman’s words.
I want to be comfortable. I don’t want to suffer. I hope this memory disappears.
Berman shook his head mercilessly at the earnest gesture of his head.
“Don’t run away.”
“… ….”
However, there was no way there was such a way.
Cain’s eyes sank even deeper at Berman’s heartless and resolute words.
She bit her lower lip hard at the words that even Illencia, who was listening, could not understand.
I wanted to separate Berman from Cain, but for some reason I felt that I had to listen to his words to the end.
“Everyone lives with that memory. Me too.”
“It is natural to kill enemies on the battlefield. What i have to protect… My life, my people, my family, my colleagues… It is indispensable to protect them.”
“However, that does not justify taking a life. You must not forget that memory.”
“… Uh… Because… ?”
It’s easy to forget.
Face to face is painful.
But why can’t I forget it?
“Because that will make you a human being, not a monster. Even if the people I killed come to visit me every night, even if memories of killing them come back to me from time to time.”
“I can live because I have the things I have protected. If you forget that memory, you will eventually forget what you need to protect.”
It’s easy to forget.
That was right. Usually, the memory of murder is painful and difficult.
However, if you forget those memories, you will eventually forget the things you need to protect, and you will lose them.
At Berman’s words, Cain slowly blinked her eyes for a moment.
“… City… ah….”
What I have to protect.
Even though Cain couldn’t keep her sanity, she spat out her name as she remembered Illencia who had embraced her.
He nodded his head slowly as he remembered what he had to protect.
Never forget, never lose.
Because that was the driving force he worked hard to live on. To do that, you have to face it.
It’s painful, it’s hard, but if you have to….
I will.
At the end of that thought, Cain’s head shook weakly.
“Cain… !”
“You don’t have to worry. You seem to have fainted for a while.”
Surprised by that appearance, Ilencia hugged Cain in a hurry, but he exhaled quietly as Berman said.
Berman let out a sigh of relief as he looked at Ilensia, who embraced Cain.
I don’t know if it went well for her, but Cain clearly remembered what she had to protect.
‘… That’s enough, young master.’
If you remember that, you won’t be devoured with murderous intent.
Thinking so, Berman opened his mouth softly as he looked at Illencia, who was stroking Cain’s cheek with friendly eyes.
“… I wish you well. Miss?”
“?”
Illencia, who had a questionable expression for a moment at Berman’s sudden words, soon realized the meaning of her words and smiled with both her cheeks blushing.
It was because he knew that the most precious thing Cain had to protect was himself.
With cheeks flushed with embarrassment and a satisfied smile, Illensia stroked Cain’s cheek more kindly.
“…… Of course it’s good.”
He knows he feels the same way, but it’s the first time he’s heard it.
There was no reason not to feel bad.