40 – 40. Fate (1)
… It’s a fluorescent light. A circular fluorescent light.
For a while, I just stared at the sky, lost in thought at that sight.
… You’ve returned, me.
There’s no way that kind of lantern would be there.
My fingers move well.
From Noble mtl dot com
… I didn’t even have the strength to flick it, you know.
With the sound of fabric rustling, I pulled off the blanket and felt around my body.
Without a doubt, it’s my body. Not an unrealistically thin and muscular body, but a moderately fleshed… Ah, maybe that’s a bit of a lie.
And a slightly greasy face.
It’s undoubtedly mine.
…
Nevertheless, in an empty corner, or rather…
“…Miss.”
Really, she’s not here.
Could we have spent decades together, she who showed me that love never fades, even as I hesitated?
Even as I grow old and my energy dwindles,
She, who always stayed by my side with an unfading smile on her face,
She’s no longer here now.
Perhaps, if I open that door, our room will appear,
Believing so, I open the door – only to find an ordinary living room.
In that chilling silence, in that emptiness of nothingness, I could do nothing but stand there for a while.
…
Quietly tidying up the blanket, I checked the time on my phone.
What should I do, what could happen,
I couldn’t remember anything, and there was no reason to remember.
From the start, I didn’t have many friends, occasionally exchanging greetings with family and spending time together during vacations. I didn’t do more than that.
How old was I here?
Ugh, damn it. I can’t remember anything.
What is it that I remember in the first place?
…It’s all just memories with her.
Sneaking out during the night when everyone was asleep, counting the stars with shackles on my wrists, falling asleep in her embrace,
Breathing in the scent of spring, sipping tea with her in our cozy little space, reading and discussing stories of the outside world or new novels together.
Trying out new recipes and eating with her.
Mixing alcohol and beverages, even trying cocktails together – of course, it was a mess at first.
Later on, even touching crows without fear, giving speeches in front of people.
Holding hands with her and greeting others,
…Oh, what was that commonly said phrase? Bragging… Was it called bragging? …I even did that.
It was truly wonderful… Spending all my time with her.
All the worries I had at first became insignificant because she did her best for me.
She did her best, she loved me.
I realized that when I was in pain, lying in a hospital bed,
I should have done better for her.
I was just too possessive, and because of that, I –
Lonely. I feel lonely.
The scent that I could always smell at the tip of my nose, it’s now gone,
Ugh, ugh…
Irene, Irene… Damn it…
…Ah, just in case, just in case… If I were to start that game again, would I be able to go back to you?
Whooong –
With a sound, the cooling fan spins.
Please, the popup window that I saw.
I need to see it –
…What, why isn’t that game here?
What is this, no – it can’t be.
No, it can’t be. I’m sure –
No, no, no, no –
Where is it, where…
No, wait, if I search for it, it’ll definitely come up. Definitely.
Ah, Irene Melvus.
It, it’s not showing up?
This can’t be happening?
No, I definitely searched even for the strategy guide. This can’t be, no,
It can’t all just be a dream. It can’t all just be a dream. No, no, this isn’t it, this can’t be happening.
It’s all –
Ha,
hahahaha,
Ugh,
hehehehe, huff, huff –
Yeah, that’s right. It’s impossible for something like that to happen to me, right?
From the beginning, there’s no way I would meet someone like that.
Just, it’s impossible…
Suddenly, a beauty appeared like that, and I couldn’t just easily attain a life filled with happiness.
*
…After that, it feels like I just lived in a daze.
I forgot about my friends and acquaintances, but thanks to a few friends who contacted me through Instagram, I was able to vaguely remember some things.
But other than that, it was like I had amnesia, I couldn’t remember anything.
I thought maybe my condition was serious enough to seek psychological counseling…
But soon, I gave up on that idea.
After all, if I opened up about this to anyone, they would just dismiss it as nonsense.
And I had to forget about these thoughts.
Every night, while stargazing, I was drawing her in my mind.
And every time I did that, there were times when I would be late for class or even give up on attending altogether.
It was clearly affecting my grades, and people around me started looking at me strangely.
Diligently, I was falling apart.
One day, I slipped on a rainy afternoon and fell on the asphalt road, unfortunately, right into a puddle.
With my hands slightly scraped and my lips tightly pressed together, I tried to get up again,
And in that moment, I saw my reflection in the puddle.
Her eyes were deeply sunken, with dark circles under them.
…Certainly, it must be because she hasn’t been eating anything.
Her fingers were even thinner than I remembered, and her wrists were covered in veins that hadn’t been visible before.
It was quite intriguing, but…
But surely she wouldn’t have any reason to see me – no reason at all.
She would only remember Le Petit Gail.
She was utterly foolish. Continuously longing for someone who doesn’t exist.
…In the first place, someone who has never been loved would long for a pair in love.
I even thought that it would be better to just die.
It felt like I was going insane from the pain.
Where can one find someone who would foolishly throw themselves into love, who would go crazy for love?
I thought she was strange for thinking like that.
But it was I who was crazy.
The one who was suffering, believing that they couldn’t live a day without it, was none other than me.
Then suddenly, I heard a sharp pecking sound from across the street.
…It was a wounded crow.
Crow. Crow.
The crow that would secretly scratch her eyes for me in that place.
Even though she knew everything, instead of closing her eyes, she would gently push up my chin…
Crow, my crow.
Your name is Paul from today.
*
“Paul, today is an important day.”
“Caw?”
“Yeah… well, it’s the day of my job interview. I have to find a job now. Thanks to you, I was able to study and gain confidence… I guess I can feel a little relieved. You clever little creature.”
“Caw caw.”
When I gently scratch beneath its beak, it makes this sound again. How can it be so adorable?
On the day when it was raining, I held it in my arms and took it to the animal hospital to treat its fractured wing, using up my living expenses.
Since that day, it has been growing up in my house, as if it was familiar with me. Now, it’s much bigger than when it first arrived.
But strangely enough, it was the biggest crow that I missed the most – the big crow that she used to have.
It resembled that creature so much that it only intensified my longing for her.
Every time my heart aches, it’s not an exaggeration to say that it’s thanks to that creature that I’m able to live, even though it would come and peck my cheek, as if it knew and found me when I was feeling down.
“But it’s really strange. How… even though I gained strength later because of you, how did I get this opportunity to get a job in a company like this? Oh, of course, it’s not confirmed yet.”
“Caw caw!”
“Oh, you little rascal. Alright, I’ll work hard and do my best. I’ll make it, right?”
…By the way, I don’t mind if you scratch my arm. If you gently scratch my chin, I’ll stretch out and pat your cheek with my hand.
“Well then, I have to leave before it’s too late. I’ll be back, so behave yourself. Don’t go outside again. You got really sick last time, you know…”
“…”
“Answer.”
“…”
“Hey!”
Well, it seems that you’re smart enough to understand what I’m saying.
Huff, just look at them running away to their room.
Oh, but my parents will be coming up soon – I wonder what they’ll think when they see how much they’ve grown.
Damn it, this is not the time for such thoughts.
“Well, anyway, I’ll be back!”
I hurriedly put on my shoes, checked my appearance once more in the mirror, made sure I had my wallet and phone, good –
From Noble mtl dot com
Then, let’s go.
*
The place I’m going to is called Raven Corporation.
It’s a company with a branch overseas, or so they said. The website looked good, and above all, the company’s icon being a raven gave me a really good feeling.
…That alone didn’t make me decide. It’s more like, it felt good.
They kept urging me to come for an interview through emails,
And Paul happened to send me a message that made me click on that email.
I just… wanted to grab onto something, even if it’s just a straw.
That was the feeling.
I haven’t been able to properly hold onto anything for the past thirty years, wandering here and there, and this opportunity came to me.
Maybe if I immerse myself in this for a while, I can regain my sanity, or so I thought.
However, the interview process was as strange as it could be.
After quickly glancing over my documents, they simply nodded and asked a few simple questions.
Where do I live? What kind of life have I lived? Do I currently live with someone?
After getting the basic information, the interviewers just told me to start working tomorrow.
There was something unsettling about it.