15 – 15. The Golden Sun Becomes Aware
“Ugh..”
How long has it been since I buried my face in the pillow wearing my favorite indoor clothes, comfortable and fluffy bunny pajamas?
It’s been quite a while since I broke up with Jack and returned to the dormitory, but my mood is still terrible.
I feel so suffocated because I can sense that Jack dislikes me.
Since hearing the reason why he dislikes me, it’s been like this all the time.
I’m awake, but it feels like I’m mentally absent. I’m engulfed in an unfamiliar rush of emotions I’ve never experienced before.
“..Why is everything so chaotic today? Why is it like this?”
Did I look so fragile?
We’ve only known each other for three days, but she’s been a friend with whom I could open up and be myself.
And, Fate, who asked me out on a date as soon as we met, inquired.
I just rolled my eyes and turned away, pretending not to care.
“Is it better to be with someone you just met, rather than someone who’s been pursuing you?”
Of course, Fate had a great personality and slightly larger breasts than me, but still.
I couldn’t help but wonder if it was really right for her to ask me out while leaving aside someone as healthy and cute as me and even producing strange evidence.
“To be honest, I was a bit hurt…”
I didn’t answer the question of whether I disliked the me who asked her earlier as decisively as before, but I still didn’t like it.
I pretended to be nonchalant on the outside, but deep down, I felt a little hurt for no reason.
“Fate.”
So, unable to hold back any longer, I called out to Fate and asked her.
“Do guys not find me appealing?”
Honestly, I’ve never really examined myself in this way before.
Until now, I’ve easily charmed guys, and Jack was the first to show this kind of aversion to me.
At first, I thought he just didn’t like girls in general, but I had even made advances on Fate.
So it’s only natural that I couldn’t help but think that he doesn’t find me, as a person, very attractive.
“What do you mean, who doesn’t like you?”
-Uh-oh!
My body shivered slightly at her words.
That’s right, in a word, Jack doesn’t like me.
He said that it was because I had taken Heidi’s potential suitors away from her.
“..What? Really? Is it perhaps what that guy Jack said?”
That’s why I’ve been thinking like this lately.
If I hadn’t stolen Heidi’s guys, would Jack have accepted my confession?
Could we have held hands, laughed together, embraced, kissed, and become a couple who were always together?
“Yeah..”
I’d never felt this before, but I was beginning to realize it now.
The realization that what I did back when I was in middle school academy was a wrong thing.
At this moment, I somewhat figured out the name of the emotion that had been assaulting my heart, a feeling I had never experienced before.
No, it’s more like I ‘felt’ it. Guilt for the sins I’ve committed.
The guilt that had been covered up by the feelings of conquest, superiority, and pleasure all this time was suddenly closing in on me.
“You’re okay, aren’t you? If guys hit on you, they’ll go crazy, right? It’s weird for guys not to respond.”
Maybe it was because of the guilt, but Fate felt good hearing me confidently say that I’m not unattractive.
However, soon after, the feeling of climbing up, paradoxically, was suppressed again, as if I had done something bad enough to make Jack respond that way, despite having such charm.
“Fate, if, say, hypothetically. This is just a friend’s story.”
That way, I calmed my breath and spoke to Fate, trying to hide the tremor in my voice as much as possible.
“What if a man who took away your close friend’s lover confesses to you?”
I wanted to hear the opinion of a third party.
I wanted to know how others would perceive this series of events, whether it was entirely my fault.
I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but just by hearing the story from someone else, it felt like this frustrating feeling would be relieved to some extent.
As I waited for her response, Fate tilted her head and said.
“I would f*cking hate him.”
“..Huh?”
But, I didn’t expect Fate, who usually only spoke kind words, to respond like this.
She was the kind of child who would just giggle and show an angelic reaction no matter what I said, so why did it turn out like this?
“Think about it, if a guy who took away your close friend’s lover did that to you, your friend would have been terribly sad, right? Of course, you would sympathize.”
“Uh… yeah, you’re right.”
“And then, naturally, wouldn’t you feel disgust towards the guy who took away your friend’s lover?”
From Noble mtl dot com
“…”
“And what if that guy even confesses to me? Ugh. It’s a relief that I didn’t immediately hit him on the head with a block as soon as I saw him.”
And she doesn’t stop there; she sticks the wedge in.
“What kind of example are you giving so ominously? Just imagining it makes me feel sick.”
“..Thank you for answering.”
Lying on the bed, I quietly hugged the teddy bear Jack called cute.
It’s a 15-year-old doll. A precious doll that has been together for more than half of my life, well, most of it.
Usually, hugging it would calm my heart, but now it had no effect at all.
“It’s sad..”
The story that I had thought of so far from my own perspective.
Listening to it from someone else’s mouth, I began to understand what the situation was like for him and why he did what he did.
For some reason, tears welled up like a fool.
It’s natural, as if the guy hates me even though I don’t like him.
“Heuk… Huuuck…”
Despite swallowing my tears to the point where they wouldn’t be audible to Fate, the tears kept pouring out, becoming too difficult for me to bear.
He had no interest in me, and I… well, I don’t know.
Anyway, even though I knew it was childish to cry even after realizing my own mistakes.
Why couldn’t I stop crying?
“If Jack continues to dislike me, should we just remain in this ambiguous relationship?”
Such a question kept lingering in my mind.
Jack was just a plaything, a means to tease Heidi a little.
“Why did he manage to get so deeply into my mind?”
Even if he were to ask me to be in a relationship now, I didn’t think I could accept it wholeheartedly.
I had never felt these emotions before, but it was all because of Jack.
Feeling frustrated and sorry to the extreme, I had to endure a wave of guilt washing over me.
“If only he hadn’t treated me so warmly.”
If Jack continued to hate me and didn’t pay any attention to me at all.
If I had given him harsh insults that I had thought of when I first heard his confession, every time I approached him.
If he hadn’t accepted my unwarranted contact and warmly touched the wounds within me.
I could have thought of you as a bad person and lived a foolish but happy life.
“Sigh…”
Certainly, I had denied it just moments ago, but now I couldn’t help but acknowledge it myself.
I had fallen for Jack Orion, the person himself.
Despite calling him such a detestable woman, his considerate gestures and small attentions seeped through.
And his honesty, evident in every action, was incredibly appealing.
“No… to be exact, it’s not just that.”
Even before confessing to Jack, I think I already had an interest in him.
I had hidden it with the ominous thought that if I took him away from Heidi, she would be saddened.
But with just that, I can’t explain the glances I often directed towards him even when I wasn’t with Heidi.
Moreover, I didn’t shed tears at his few insults, as if he despised me.
Nor did I falter at his attempt to wipe away my tears after rejecting my confession.
There was no need for me to follow him to Campbell Academy, his intended destination.
Guilt and a newfound affection, these two emotions mixed together and swirled around in confusion.
“What should I do..”
But I have already come too far to approach Jack.
The only men I have taken away from Heidi are four, and every time Heidi must have complained to Jack.
When I finally looked closely at the truth that I had been hiding behind pleasure, I could only see my despicable self.
I just realized that appearance now, but didn’t Jack face it whenever he looked at me?
“Really.. I want to sincerely be in a relationship now..”
I wish I could see that smiling face I glimpsed earlier today in front of me.
I wish he could continue to stroke me with the warm touch he showed when we drank coffee and treated my wounds.
I wish he could let me take in that irresistible appearance I saw on the train.
I felt those emotions and at the same time became ‘aware’ of him.
“I messed up..”
Thinking of that face of his, longing sprouted within me, but I couldn’t express it.
Well, I know because he always pushes me away once he exceeds a certain level.
Jack has shown a strong aversion to the act of taking someone else’s lover beyond a certain point.
‘..If I kneel, will he give me a chance?’
Or if I sincerely confess my love now, will he forgive me?
No, he probably won’t believe me anymore. I have been lying to him since we first met.
Whatever I say now, Jack won’t believe me.
“..Fate, I’m going out for a bit.”
“What? Tonight?”
I roughly changed my clothes and wandered aimlessly near the academy.
Because staying in the room felt like my heart was going to burst, I wanted to somehow release this stifled feeling by walking in the night air.
The one who made me fall in love, I somewhat hated him, but at the same time, I wanted to see him.
-Beep!
[..Lucia.]
I kept listening to the recording that contained Jack’s voice over and over again.
Since I can’t see him at this late hour, I have to be satisfied with something like this.
“But still, a little better.. huh?”
As I tried to shed the suffocating feeling while exposing myself to the night air.
I saw the figure of a man in the distance. He was quite far away, but I could sense it.
That was the man I had been thinking about, wanting to see, and feeling sorry for, Jack. It was certain.
And after realizing that, when I came to my senses, I found myself sobbing as I was embraced in Jack’s arms.