63
“Akanishi-san, I’m so sorry!”
In the schoolyard, where there were few people.
There, I bowed my head to Akanishi-san.
“I didn’t mean to get you involved. Mio, I don’t know why she did what she did, but she and I are not together anymore, and it’s not like what you think with Akanishi-san…or rather , it’s not like that at all.”
I was just blurting out whatever came to mind, but even I could tell it wasn’t very coherent.
I don’t know if she’ll believe me with this. But the truth is, I don’t know why Mio acted the way she did, and I’m sure that our relationship is over.
With what happened during break earlier, it would be a problem if she thought we had getting back together or were still dating.
My feelings about distancing myself from Mio in high school haven’t changed. That’s definitely how I feel.
So if Akanishi-san has misunderstood, I wanted to clear it up, but
“And I’m sorry for grabbing your hand without asking! I was just panicking earlier, so I was kind of forceful…”
“……”
No response.
I quickly raised my head that had been bowed.
I had been so focused on apologizing that I had just realized that Akanishi-san hadn’t said a word since earlier.
We hadn’t known each other for long, but I thought I understood that she wasn’t the type of person who wouldn’t respond to someone’s apology.
She probably wasn’t the type to ignore someone either. If that were the case, she wouldn’t have helped me earlier.
“…Akanishi-san?”
So I was concerned, and I couldn’t help but look at Akanishi-san’s face, but
“U-um…”
“Akanishi-san?”
She was trembling.
Her face was pale, and she was hugging her small body, trembling slightly.
As if she was afraid of something. As if she was protecting herself from something, she was hugging her arms with both hands.
“W-well…”
Seeing her like that, I couldn’t help but take a step back.
My body moved instinctively to distance myself. If I were a good guy or a considerate man, I might have taken a step towards her, put a hand on her shoulder, and said, “Are you okay?” and done something to her pedestrian , but the person here is Tsujimura Beniya.
I can’t do anything so skillful.
Rather, by stepping back, that opportunity was lost forever.
Why did I step back?
Because I saw her trembling.
Why did I step back when I saw her trembling?
The reason she was trembling was definitely because of me.
So why don’t I apologize?
I apologized earlier, but there was no reaction. So…
Such excuses came to mind and disappeared.
I don’t know when she started trembling.
I had come here without thinking, let go of her hand, bowed my head, and only now, as I looked up at her face, did I notice her appearance.
All I remember is that her hands were smaller than Mio’s. I didn’t even think about how soft they were or that they were trembling.
(Why do I…)
I’m always so tense.
I’m always so full of myself that I don’t have the luxury to care about others.
That’s why I stepped back earlier. I tried to justify it to myself by saying that I thought Akanishi-san was trembling because of me and that I wanted to pedestrian her by putting some distance between us.
But that’s not true.
I stepped back because I was afraid that I had hurt Akanishi-san.
I stepped back to protect myself. Not for her, but for me, I tried to distance myself from her.
“I’m sorry…I brought you here by force…”
I didn’t even know how I felt as I said this apology.
Was I apologizing? Did I want her to say that it wasn’t my fault? Or both?
It was a small, impulsive action. But the body doesn’t lie.
It tells me what kind of person I am, whether I like it or not.
―See, you always put yourself first.
Guilt and disgust crept up from my feet.
It was the same with Mio. At that time, I saw Mio surrounded by many students and ran away.
I haven’t changed at all since then.
The only reason I’m not running away is because the girl in front of me isn’t saying anything.
If she looked me in the eye and tried to say something, I would have run away from this place immediately. That’s the kind of person I am.
I hated myself for being like that. I want to change.
From Noble mtl dot com
This is not a lie. It’s definitely what I think, but my body always betrays me.
My heart wants to be strong, but you end up telling me that I’m this kind of guy after all, and you grab my feet.
If I’m imprisoned by myself, there’s no way I can escape.
An ant lion pit. I can’t escape. I’m overwhelmed by the feeling that I’m sinking to the very bottom.
“…That’s, not true.”
A thin voice reached my ears just as I was about to be ensnared by the tendrils of my thoughts.
“Tsujimura-san, it’s not your fault. It’s just that I, I…”
Akanishi-san’s voice was trembling. It was very small. It was a terribly frail voice, as if it might disappear at any moment.
Some people might find it arousing.
However, what I felt at that moment wasn’t the kind of desire that a superior being might direct at a weakling who can’t walk properly on their own two feet.
It was something much closer, a kind of sympathy.
It’s probably close to what I was thinking about earlier.
-She’s trying to stand up now.
To an outsider, it might just look like she’s trembling, but to me, it looked like she was desperately enduring something incredibly heavy and invisible, and trying to stand up anyway.
“Phew, ha, ah.”
She could barely catch her breath, and her face was still pale.
It was obvious that her condition was visibly worsening, and that I should take her to the infirmary.
But I didn’t.
I thought it would get in her way.
I could say with certainty that this was not an excuse for myself.
Because without me realizing it, the hand that was watching her had clenched into a fist.
“…Good luck.”
Before I knew it, those words had come out of my mouth.
Good luck. It was an irresponsible thing to say, and I didn’t use it very often.
Somehow, I couldn’t help but say it.
“Y, yes…ha, ah…phew…”
To an outsider, it must have been a terribly comical exchange, but even so, I decided to stay by her side until her trembling stopped.