67
After hearing Akanishi-san’s story, I couldn’t help but fall silent.
Even when I tried to open my mouth, words wouldn’t come out.
“That, uh…”
I definitely should have said something.
I knew I shouldn’t stay silent.
Akanishi-san must have been waiting for me to say something.
But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything more.
I’ve never been bullied myself, but I thought that I shouldn’t offer words of comfort or sympathy.
Somehow, I felt like she didn’t want that.
Also, if I were in the same position, I wouldn’t be happy to hear it.
So, what should I say to her? That was the problem.
Should I dare make a joke to lighten the mood? That’s impossible. It would be too insensitive. It’s much more likely that she would be disappointed.
“Badmouthing my classmates? That won’t work either. Even if I pretend to understand, it’ll only make me feel better, not Akane-san.”
“What she wants probably isn’t sympathy. But if that’s the case, what should I say?” My head was spinning in circles, and I was about to get lost in a labyrinth of when it happened.
Suddenly, Akane-san lowered her head and said,
“…I’m sorry, I got sidetracked. I apologize for asking something that’s difficult to answer.”
“That’s not it,” I wanted to say.
I wanted to say, “It’s not your fault.”
But I couldn’t.
Instead, I felt relieved that she had ended the conversation first.
I felt so pathetic.
If I didn’t take this opportunity, Akane-san would probably never talk about this again.
She must have hesitated before telling me this.
She must have been worried all night yesterday.
Even I can tell that it takes a lot of courage to talk about being bullied.
She must want to start over in a new place.
I wanted to start over too, away from Mio.
But I couldn’t. The past kept chasing me, and Mio wouldn’t let me go.
That’s why I can’t forget. There’s always a part of me thinking about Mio. Because she’s close, I can’t forget her even if I want to.
But Akane-san is different.
Akane-san has left the past behind and is here.
She’s far from Tokyo, in a place where no one knows her past.
So she didn’t have to talk about it. All she had to do was keep it locked away in her memory and wait for time to heal her.
But she told me about her past anyway.
It’s probably
(Partly for me…)
That day, when she saw me crying, she comforted me.
Even though we had only met once and barely talked, she remembered Mio.
She might have already guessed why I was crying that day.
Yes, Akane-san must have reached out to me for my sake.
And I’m about to betray her. I’m making excuses, saying that I can’t find the words, and I’m trying to avoid getting involved.
Yes, it was an excuse.
I say I want to connect with people, but I avoid situations where I might get deeply involved.
Maybe it’s the trauma from Mio that’s making me do this subconsciously.
I’ve learned firsthand that when you get to know someone deeply, it can be irreparable when things go wrong.
I was afraid of repeating that.
I’m afraid of hurting others, and I’m afraid of getting hurt myself.
Somewhere in my heart, I thought that if I didn’t get involved, I wouldn’t get hurt.
I must have created this excuse to protect myself from getting hurt after breaking up with Mio.
In the end, it was nothing more than the weakness of my character.
– So, now that I realize it, am I going to stay locked up inside with this weakness forever?
I don’t want that.
I want to change myself.
Even if I’m weak, if I think I can change, I should do it.
I just need to take a small step forward.
I should have enough petty courage to do that.
I can always look away.
But I might never again have the chance to approach someone who has come this far to me.
I mustn’t betray her feelings.
Running away at a time like this isn’t just weak, it’s wrong.
“…Akaishi-san”
A voice escaped from my part slightly enlarged lips.
My voice, which I had forced out of my own will, was unreliable,
“Do you… regret it?”
I took a very weak, yet definite step towards her.