76
Monday.
The day off is over, and it’s time for school again. The day I have to go to school.
On the morning of the day that heralds the beginning of a week that I thought would only be filled with gloom and misery, I woke up early.
“…It’s only 6 o’clock.”
The clock’s hands had only just passed 6:00. Normally, I would still be half asleep at this time. I had a hard time falling asleep yesterday, so I don’t think I got much sleep.
So the fact that I woke up early means that… I must have been subconsciously stressed or nervous about today. There’s no way I could have been looking forward to it.
“Stress, huh?”
I looked out the window and saw a clear blue sky.
Sunlight was streaming into the room, and it was clear that today would be a nice day.
I’m sure there are people who would be happy about that, but I know there are also people who wouldn’t. After all, I’m one of them. I understand all too well that I’m not the kind of person who can fool myself, but I can’t help but think it.
“I wish I was a little bit stronger…”
I’m scared. I’m still scared to meet and face Mio today.
But I promised Akane-san. I promised that once the break was over, we would go talk to Mio together. So I have to meet Mio again.
That’s right, if we go together, surely– I thought that far and looked down.
“I’m the worst.”
I didn’t realize it when I was talking to Akane-san, but now that I’m home and have calmed down, I can see it.
I’m trying to use her. I’m trying to use Akane-san as an excuse to face Mio. I can definitely see that part of me.
If I were a genuinely good person with no ulterior motives, I probably wouldn’t have had such thoughts.
But I’m weak, base, and calculating.
I tell myself that it’s also for Akane-san’s sake, but I also realize that if we meet together, the stress I feel from Mio will be reduced, and if the brunt is directed at Akane-san, I can protect her and improve my impression of her–I can see that I’m thinking that way.
I’m really the worst. Why do I keep having such awful thoughts?
No, I know why. I’m just not confident in myself.
Because I’m not confident, I need a reason. A reason to act. A reason to justify myself, and I can’t move until I’ve rationalized it. That’s what it is.
So how can I become more confident?
……I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that. If I did, I wouldn’t be in this situation. The answer probably doesn’t exist within me.
That’s why.
From Noble mtl dot com
“If it’s not there, I have no choice but to seek it outside.”
If it’s not within me, I have to find it by interacting with people other than myself.
So that I can become more confident in myself. So that I can become a little bit stronger. If I don’t… I’ll never grow. I’ll never be happy.
I tell myself that, and I get out of bed.
“This is probably just another excuse.”
But that’s okay. It’s better than not being able to get out of bed.
◇◇◇
“I’m going now.”
I said briefly and slammed the door shut.
And then I took a few deep breaths. The first step in the morning is always heavy.
But I have to take a step forward. Time won’t stop for me.
That’s why I tried to start walking――
“Good morning, Beniy.”
I heard a voice.
Surprised, I looked up. And then, there she was――
“Eh…?”
“Ahahahahaha, good morning. You’re up early today.”
It was Mio.
It was Misaka Mio with her long, beautiful black hair, now dyed a bright brown.