#5
Why is my heart so sad
“I ate something wrong… … .”
When I opened the bathroom door, steam rose like a white mist through the gap in the door. After showering with hot water, I went outside, wiping my hair with a towel. Tal Tal Tal-
“Well.”
Knead the pumped muscles and twist your neck back and forth. When I tap my forearm with the palm of my hand, I hear a sound of hitting a stone. His whole body screamed, but it was a scream of joy. Today was a satisfying workout… … .
I changed into comfortable clothes and pulled a chair and sat down on it. Then my brow suddenly wrinkled.
The tired feeling never went away.
… … Were you not in a position to speak?
He clenched his fists with a mysterious face and looked at his pectoralis major. At that moment, my chest felt cooler as if the old stuff was going down.
It wasn’t the stomach that was the problem, but the muscles. Haha, it’s been a while and it seemed like I ran too much. I couldn’t figure out the detailed reason, but anyway, the stuffiness that seemed like my throat was clogged was resolved, so everything was resolved.
With a wet towel wrapped around the nape of my neck, I glanced over the desk, and soon found a box lying in the corner and opened my mouth slightly.
“ah… … .”
right. I forgot.
Along with the bracelet-shaped artifact that played a pretty important role in this eventful training—“Aegis’s Shield”, the items sent to me by Frontier Headquarters were still sealed and left unattended.
Before checking the contents of the box, I glanced down and looked at the bracelet still wrapped around my wrist.
… … To be honest, I still don’t feel it right now. To have managed to escape from such a dead land and return to this quiet and peaceful dormitory.
Leaving behind the new feelings.
Thinking that I would not have been able to save Stella without this, I suddenly got a chilling goosebumps on my back.
If only I had been a little bit late to intervene.
If only I was one second late… … .
Stella must have pierced her throat with that demon child’s thorn, and died without any other means of doing anything else.
As I recalled that moment, I naturally trembled. Also, the demons are races that shouldn’t coexist. However, Naberius is human. It’s even worse in that respect. I shut my mouth and closed my eyes.
If, like Naberius, he borrows the power of a demon with a human body, he is no different than a demon in human disguise… … .
“… … .”
The stream of thought goes further and rewinds every single moment of that time. The sensations of the whole body suddenly become heavy, as if in that damp, damp, dark cavity.
When I confirmed that Stella had stopped breathing, I remember the emotions I felt as clearly as if it had happened ten minutes ago.
denial. fear. anger.
Finally, relief.
The emotions that were boiling like lava. The actions were made with the conviction that Stella could not be left like this. All of those things came together and united and taught me one fact.
… … that I haven’t broken yet.
Being able to feel the primal instincts and emotions that humans can still feel… … .
—Ezio Cranil, you must be slowly getting worn out even at this time. In the past, that clear and clean light would eat up all of your personality.
The voices of those who have already died and disappeared suddenly stabbed.
—Then, you become a flying beast that follows only your instincts. They do not understand any of the private emotions of ordinary humans, and eventually they gradually drift away from humans.
“dog sound.”
He shook his head from side to side as if laughing.
Everything Naberius said was a lie and a deception. What’s more, you’re talking about giving up on humans as if you know humans well. It is natural to dismiss it as a madman’s nonsense.
Indeed, Naberius was a self-proclaimed madman, and because of his ghastly fanaticism and bizarre behavior, his words did not give me a single ounce of credibility.
blast furnace… …
“I am still human.”
As if repeating over and over again, he corrects his words.
yet, ah
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Doesn’t it sound like you’ll soon be no longer human?
“I am human.”
continue in the future.
forever until death.
I will live as a human, and I will die as a human.
“… … .”
I promise so
Suddenly, a thought popped into my mind.
wait… … .
I don’t think it will ever happen though. Considering the words of the author, the demon god, rather than Naberius’ words, if I was really being castrated with human emotions one by one.
The part of reason that makes humans perfect as humans will wear out first.
Thoughts that are as flexible and broad as a spider’s web will gradually narrow into a straight line and become a straight path, which means that they become a young animal that moves only by instinct, not through thoughts.
In other words, what remains in the past is only the basic human needs.
Humans are the only natural instincts of animals.
“Instinct… … .”
What kind of behavior will a human being whose reason is castrated and only instinct remains?
In fact, it can be said that personal emotions are not rational, but rather instinctive.
Everything has a situation and a time. If you ignore logic and intellect and live as your emotions lead you, then you are not human, but beast.
When it comes to moving away from human beings, it does not mean castration of delicate emotions such as sadness and love, but it can also mean that the means to control and control them disappear while maintaining them.
Then… … ..
No, this is too much of a philosophical issue. I have a lot of work to do right now, but I really want to refrain from staying up all night in complicated thoughts. So, I simplify my thinking a little bit more.
In the end, let’s say that only instinct remains.
What is human nature?
Leaving aside this and that, the first thing that comes to mind is probably the desire to reproduce for survival and maintenance of the species.
The former is no problem. Eat well and sleep well as much as you exercise. There was nothing to worry about, except that dreams are sometimes wild.
Then what about the latter?
reproductive desire.
To put it a little more explicitly, s*xuality.
Suddenly my eyes lit up.
… … Have you had a strong s*xual desire recently?
“… … .”
I patted my chin and let out a small sigh.
if male. Even if you are a healthy and healthy man like me. When you see a person of the opposite s*x you like, there is no reason not to move. I can’t help being itchy all over my body.
Even if you don’t have the opposite s*x in front of you, there will be times when you will suddenly feel that way.
After all, I am seventeen years old.
It is a time when young blood is boiling… … .
On the other hand, my daily routine is very monotonous.
Exercise. training. rice. study. sleep.
It is an infinite repetition of these five things.
Even if there is a change, only the order changes.
There is nothing in between.
Although the body is constantly moving, there are times when I am immersed in contemplation. Just like right now.
However, even in this case, my animal desires do not even think about raising their heads. I haven’t been able to afford it because I’ve been busy with this and that, isn’t it too far to go… … .
Of course, I feel a degree of shame and shame.
Now that I think back on the act that they did without any hesitation to save Stella from the labyrinth, they just didn’t mention each other.
What would be shameful in the face of survival? … Now that things are getting better, it’s a really bad idea, but Stella at the time had a really pretty body.
okay.
pretty.
That’s it… … .
“… … .”
Stella is a friend. Because I never thought of it that way. Things like that happen, too. it could be. I think so.
… … what about rubia?
… … what about mu?
Anyway, these are the main culprits that have been making me dizzy lately. In particular, my head throbs when I think of Mew, but since it was an issue that had to be addressed first, I sighed and quietly reflected on the past.
Put your hand on your chest and say it conscientiously. Until I became like this, I had trouble sleeping at night thinking of them.
In the case of Mew, she was also a lover, and above all, she made fun of me s*xually because she was very curious.
not that grade.
First of all, I did better on the written test.
“… … uhm.”
At that point, I covered my entire face with my hands.
… … There wasn’t one or two things I didn’t like at all to judge that I didn’t love them anymore.
He puts his hand on his chest again and speaks conscientiously. Of the women I have seen so far, Rubia and Mew are by far the highest of the pyramids. To say that they have no rational attraction can never be established.
Not long ago, in a hut on the promenade, I had an honest conversation with Rubia and got very close to her face. It was so close that the chapped, cherry-colored lips were right in front of their noses.
Then I thought like this.
In the past, it was the lips I wanted to touch so much, but now I’m glad that’s not the case. I’m glad I’m finally able to give up Rubia… … .
Then this time I had a thought.
maybe, maybe
I wonder if the basis for the judgment is wrong… … .
“… … .”
It must have been a long time since he had dried himself with a towel, but his back was damp at some point.
No, it’s not really necessary. On the contrary, there are cases where things are ruined because of s*xual desire, so it might be better to not have it.
Look at the people of the denomination who lead a restrained life while avoiding obscene instincts. Aren’t they living well too? There is no reason why I can’t do that.
No, it’s weird to think like this.
Where the hell did it go wrong?
“Ugh.”
The moan deepened.
Naberius ate lies and deceit. A wish come true. In the end, they were going to sacrifice us. So, I can’t believe what he said. In other words, it would be a lie to say that I become a beast with only instincts left. When I think of it that way, it seems that the anglerfish fits perfectly.
It’s not just the instincts that remain.
Was it just instinct being castrated? … ?
What kind of curse is there?
It doesn’t make sense in the first place. Needless to say, instincts and emotions, if all that was left was an empty shell, that would be a complete doll.
The flow of thoughts stopped.
… … doll.
A puppet that does not allow any will or arbitrariness, and moves only under the influence of others.
It was fate that I died. It was fate to be revived. It was also fate that I was fortified to sign a contract with incarnation. It was also fate to kill the demons remaining in the war and cut the demon’s head.
All in all, it wasn’t my will.
—Incarnations are those who are endowed with undesirable powers and fates according to the will of the God of Heaven. A bondage and another bondage that I once again placed on my creatures in order to calm the confusion of the bondage created by them.
Tetra’s words dripped like ripples in her dazed brain.
Thoughts fall deeper and deeper into the water.
losing myself. that I can’t control myself. Right now, when I saw the demon wings and horns in the labyrinth, my eyes turned red and I could only think of killing that demon. That I’m no longer me… … .
When I arrived at the fundamental consideration, it was as if I was finally able to understand clearly what kind of situation I was in.
If you go like this
It will literally turn into a doll.
However, not all incarnations are like me. If you look at Elena and Tetra right now, aren’t they living well?
Of course, neither of them looked like a normal human, but… … At least, reason seemed to exist.
If so, is it only me?
Was I that special and important?
… … why?
I, who was only the only son of the fallen baron family, was chosen by God for some reason.
To save Rubia, because you desperately want life more than anyone else?
Having endured the torture of repeating hundreds of thousands of times that the soul is shattered and restored like a piece of flesh?
Now I don’t even remember that well. The dream form sometimes bothers me, but it’s not clear, it’s just getting blurry.
“I do not know.”
When I scratched my head, the water that I couldn’t shake off flew out. He took a deep breath, wiping his forehead with the hand that covered his face.
It’s impossible to come up with an answer if you think about it alone as if you were struggling with pain. I have no choice but to wait for the consultation time with Elena-senpai. Until then, I decided to bury my complicated worries and concerns for a while.
She slapped her on the cheek to drive away thoughts, and picked up the box on the desk. It is slightly heavier and larger than the box that the bracelet was in. After feeling something heavy and rattling inside for a while, I suddenly thought.
Come to think of it… … .
Last time, I paid for this in the name of compensation for damage, but I expected that the headquarters would send something like this again. Of course, as the situation is, it will be when the loud noise has subsided.
There are rumors that the frontier general will even come to the Epic Class to apologize in person, so I’m not going to let it go.
In fact, monetary compensation is not so necessary. I’d rather give you one more artifact like this bracelet that can’t be bought with a million dollars. Or, use the compensation budget to strengthen safety equipment or more.
rattle-
Anyway, I tried opening the katabuta box.
and.
“… … What is this?”
After checking the objects inside and the accompanying paper, narrowing my eyes to gauge the purpose of the objects, I finally smiled intriguingly.