The Time Given to Me
To me, my childhood friend was more precious than anything.
I’ve always loved Ayana, and having her by my side was my happiness. But my feelings never reached her. Why, how come… I kept saying filthy words to Towa and Ayana in my heart… I felt so miserable.”
“…sigh.”
Ayana and Towa were gone from my side, leaving my world in silence. Yet, I am grateful to be able to stay quiet like this in my heart. Being alone like this spares me from strange thoughts and gives me a chance to reflect on my past self.
“Ayana, when she’s with Towa, looks truly happy.”
Even though she smiled by my side, I realized that her true smile was when she was next to Towa. In the end, I was just getting excited on my own. Ayana liked me, and now I keep thinking about such an impossible convenience.
Walking home from school alone brings a sense of calm but also loneliness. As I was about to reach home, I saw a familiar face.
“Ah, Osamu.”
“Ah…”
Hoshina-san, Ayana’s mother whom I hadn’t seen in a while, was right in front of me. We exchanged greetings, but she no longer visited our house as before. Meeting her in person after so long felt truly nostalgic. Unable to find words due to the distance between Ayana and me, I tried to pass by with my head down but was stopped by Hoshina-san.
“Osamu, would you like to have some tea?”
“Huh?”
For some reason, I nodded at her proposal. It was like a gut feeling, thinking that this invitation might be necessary for me to move forward. Seeing me nod, Hoshina-san smiled happily.
Entering the house, I was greeted by a slightly nostalgic atmosphere.
Led to the living room, I was served tea, and a small tea party without Ayana began. It was not really a tea party with any particular topic, and I could only look around idly. At that moment, I found a photo.
“Ayana, Towa.”
Towa and Ayana holding hands, with Hoshina-san behind them… Is that Towa’s mother? It was a photo of the four of them smiling happily. There was some jealousy towards Towa in the photo, but seeing them so happy made me feel warm inside.
“They look so happy, don’t they? I never thought a day would come when I would take a photo with Towa-kun like this… and his mother. Even after doing such terrible things.”
“Huh?”
Terrible things? What could they be? Hoshina-san told me, revealing the words she had kept about the accident that Towa had experienced, words that should not be said to him.
“I don’t want to think that the same blood runs in Ayana; she said something like that too.”
“…”
Listening to her, I was left speechless. Ayana’s words were surprising, of course, but the fact that Hoshina-san had uttered such words was even more so. In my mind, Hoshina-san was my childhood friend’s mother, a kind woman who had always been good to me. I could never imagine her saying something that would belittle or hurt someone.
“…At that time, what did Towa, who was the same age as me, think?” I found myself pondering. Despite the accident being my fault, Towa forgave me with a smile. He had always encouraged me, who was constantly in tears… But then, I had a realization. At that moment, what did I do… What was I like back then?
“…hahahaha.”
…Yes, I was laughing.
Certainly, I grieved for Towa, but seeing him at rock bottom, able to do anything… I found myself rejoicing in it.
“Osamu?”
“…I’m sorry.”
Once again, I felt nauseous about my own filthy side. In the end, although I saw Towa as my best friend, deep down, maybe I just saw myself as an obstacle to get closer to Ayana. I shouted loudly on the rooftop, asking why I betrayed him… I could only describe the me from that time as truly foolish.
After exchanging greetings, I parted ways with Hoshina-san and returned home. I didn’t feel like doing anything, so I crawled into bed. All I could remember was Towa, Ayana, and myself.
“…”
Towa… He was always so cool. He had everything I didn’t, effortlessly doing things I couldn’t. Yet, he never boasted and kept working hard… I had been watching him like that with Ayana all along.
“…For mother to say such a thing…”
And then, I heard another shocking statement.
At that time… Yes, I vividly remember that moment in the hospital room. I was told to leave because there was something to discuss, and I left the room heading outside. I didn’t know what was said at that time, but I heard it from Hoshina-san.
It was too cruel to tell a child who had just been in an accident, and those words that should not be said as a human being… I understood. Why Ayana said she had always disliked me, it was probably because of mocking Towa and living carelessly without realizing it. Unlike Towa, who had suffered so much, I had been laughing carelessly all along, which was probably why.
“…Let’s be happy together…?”
I repeated the words Towa said on the rooftop.
Towa declared to be happy together, while I selfishly thought that happiness would come to me by seeking his affection… I was truly foolish and embarrassingly so. I reached out to the ceiling, forming a clenched fist as if trying to pull back the connection that had already drifted away. No matter how much I regretted or looked back on the past, the connection with Towa and Ayana had already been severed. Even if I were to say any words now, they would not reach them. It was perhaps a fitting end for someone as hopeless as me.
After a while, summer vacation began. As I wasn’t in any clubs, I had to head to school for the sports festival preparations. Of course, Towa and Ayana, who were also not in any clubs, were in the same situation. Even though it was summer vacation, there were many people who were not enthusiastic about it. However, if those two took the lead and moved, everyone else would follow suit.
“Well then, Sasaki, please use this color from here to here.”
“Got it.”
It was a simple task of painting the instructed areas, and Towa was also painting in the same way. Ayana seemed to be working on making costumes for the cheerleading song, so she headed to a separate room.
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After some time had passed, a member of the art club suddenly raised their voice.
“This might be bad… Don’t we seem to be running out of paint normally?”
“…Oh, you’re right.”
It seemed like something was indeed running out, so Towa spoke to the art club member whose hands had stopped.
“If that’s the case, shall I go buy some? I think if we ask the teacher, the school will provide the money, right?”
“Yeah, that should be fine. Can you please?”
“Got it.”
The art club member, who had been looking at Towa as he stood up, turned their gaze to me. Since I happened to be free, they probably looked at me. And they said this.
“Sasaki, could you go too? Maybe the two of you will finish faster.”
“Um…”
“Please!”
“…Alright.”
I ran after Towa, who had already left the classroom. Towa seemed surprised to see me running alongside him, but he quickly understood and nodded in agreement.
“It’s fine to go alone, you know.”
“I don’t know what kind of reaction I’ll get if I return in that atmosphere.”
“I see…”
…Just a few words, but it had been a long time since we had exchanged words like this. However, this might be a good opportunity. With the time given to me, which I had been afraid to act upon, I decided to have a proper conversation while looking at Towa’s profile.