148 – End of Vacation (2)
Aris let out a sigh. A subtle discomfort lingered in her chest.
During this imperial journey, she had achieved enough to be satisfied, but there was no progress on another front. Yes, the romantic front with Frauh.
From the peculiar Asti’s reactions whenever she tried to contact Frauh to now even involving the saint.
She felt a sense of gloom. The distance between them had grown. She had simply reaffirmed that they were not as close as before.
She had managed to maintain some sort of relationship under the guise of friendship, and initially, she was grateful for that… but human hearts are treacherous, and in such situations, she found herself wanting more.
Unlike the time when she was the only one by his side, now there were many people by his side.
…And most of them were women.
Whether Asti, who had held her ground against her, or the saint who had crossed over to being an adversary, it was all unsettling.
Honestly, Aris even envied the saint’s boldness. The way she outright confessed her love for Frauh at the Judgment of the Abyss.
At that moment, the saint was just a girl who loved Frauh, nothing more.
What did Frauh show her to make her fall for him? His face? Abilities? Or his personality?
Perhaps it was something most people desired, which is why she fell for him. Moreover, being younger than Aris herself.
Frauh looked like a typical hero from a tale… maybe that’s what attracted her.
Or maybe, she fell for something Aris had failed to see.
Either way, it was unpleasant for Aris. She had to surpass Asti, who was a strong opponent, and now even the saint.
At this point, she was almost resentful of herself for not having held onto someone so popular sooner.
But regret always comes too late. Regretting and agonizing over past mistakes only leads to self-loathing.
Hadn’t she promised herself back then? When she suggested starting as friends with Frauh again, she would approach him first.
However, as expected, it’s not easy for people to act as they promise. How many times did she suppress her disappointment and swallow her sighs whenever girls surrounded Frauh?
In contrast, what about the saint? That immense drive to go after what she wanted. Even at the risk of being in a dangerous position like the Judgment of the Abyss, she held her ground.
If Aris were the saint, could she have done the same in that position?
The answer is ‘no.’
At that moment, Aris realized what she lacked.
Assertiveness. And drive.
If she wanted something, she had to seize it herself. Just wishing for it, would Frauh like her now? Even when Frauh had once liked her.
His former feelings would only turn into wounds; could he possibly develop romantic feelings for her? No matter how much she thought about it, it seemed unlikely.
Yet, she was just watching him from afar. Even in a situation much more challenging to win his heart than before.
Surely she had promised herself. She would approach him first.
Now was the time to actively approach Frah. He was the man many women desired, and she was just one of those many women.
It didn’t matter if it was pathetic. It didn’t matter if she became the subject of ridicule.
She simply wanted to be closest to him again.
When the Academy resumed, she needed to show him a different side of herself than before. Not the passive self from the past, but the proactive self.
…Of course, if he disliked that side of her, it might break her heart a bit, but she had to control that as best as she could.
It would be a challenge, but she had no intention of giving up. After a single encounter, she was very clear on what she wanted.
* * *
In the dark night, Ruslan was still swinging his sword.
“Inadequate.”
Yet, the longing remained unfulfilled. The inadequacy he felt in the Holy Empire. And the helplessness in the Sutuhi Estelle.
Nothing was resolved.
He had made quite an impact in the Land of Phantoms, but it wasn’t entirely satisfying. He wanted to become stronger.
If he swore to walk a certain path, his nature was to strive to reach the end of that path.
He didn’t want to be content. If he ever reached contentment in his journey, he would stop. Even if he hadn’t walked the path properly.
That was unacceptable. Someday, he wanted to reach the end of the path he glimpsed when he first grasped the sword. Whether it was possible or not… at least he didn’t want to let go without even trying.
Since the battle with Sutuhi Estelle, what filled Ruslan’s heart was his sword.
With his heart focused in one place, he had no room to spare for anything else.
So, he could easily let go of his feelings for Aris. He didn’t wish unhappiness upon her. Beyond reason, as a friend.
He could only wish well for Frah.
Instead, he found himself thinking more about the sword. What was lacking in him now?
Basics? He never skipped basic training. Finding the most suitable posture for his body and wielding the sword in that posture had become routine for him.
However, he doubted if his basics were perfect. Was what he had been doing so far the best?
Perhaps not.
It might be wrong.
He sought advice from many people. From the Imperial Knight Commander Edan, to the instructors at the Academy.
Even from the Imperial Paladin Commander Ars.
They all said there was no issue with his basics. But why?
Ruslan was not satisfied. It felt like there was somewhere further to go, a feeling of being forcibly blocked.
So, even now, he wielded the sword. In pursuit of perfection in his basics.
But the more he wielded the sword, the more he fell into doubt. Confusion was an added bonus.
Was he pursuing the right path? Could it be arrogance?
Should he aim for growth in a different direction?
These thoughts began to gnaw at him. As time passed, he became increasingly fixated on the sword he would unleash. Swordsmanship, through the sword. All of it.
At times, the swordsmanship Frah displayed against Sutuhi Estelle came to mind. It was shrouded in the blue flames of the torch, yet he clearly saw the path his sword traced.
In that moment, he had to admit it. Frah’s sword had begun to outpace his own.
Surely, behind the explosive rise in skill, there had been countless efforts. Ruslan knew better than anyone that Frah was a hard worker.
That effort, finally combined with talent.
At some point, Ruslan realized he envied Frah.
Not for the differences, but for the fact that his sword was advancing faster.
Ruslan, who always instilled a sense of inferiority in someone, finally realized he harbored inferiority towards Frah.
And how much that feeling of inferiority can make a person miserable.
Instead of swinging the sword, he hesitated for a moment, yet he did not let go of the sword in his hand. As if it shouldn’t be done. As if it must be done.
Then, he looked up at the sky. The dark sky, damn it, was so clear that the bright starlight was clearly visible.
Looking at such beautiful stars, he suddenly felt that it had been a long time.
Among them, the guiding star caught his gaze the most.
The guiding star. In the deep forest, a star that shows the way for those who are lost. For some reason, Ruslan was particularly drawn to that guiding star.
“The direction to go.”
The guiding star is always there. So that anyone can see and find their way. It does not move, always.
At that moment, he had a realization.
“The guiding star does not move. It simply points the way. Similarly… isn’t the path of the sword the same?”
Having reached that thought, he trembled with a sudden insight.
The end of the path he should take does not move. Being impatient does not make it reachable faster.
Once again, Ruslan realized that he had lost his composure.
“I was immersed in the path of the sword.”
He had only thought about what might be at the end of the path, not about what was in the process of that path.
Is that really right?
Ruslan shook his head.
No.
A vague certainty came to him that by doing so, he would not reach the end of the path. Then what should he do? How can he continue walking the path of the sword?
“Let’s have composure.”
Is there a need to become stronger than others quickly? No. There is no need to do that. Just take one step. Slowly take one step at a time, see and feel what is on the path.
Then, someday, he might reach it.
He erased his doubts, subdued his confusion. He rose from his hesitation, swung the sword again. Just as his heart desired. In the most natural state his body pursued.
Just as he had always done.
As his perplexity faded, all that remained was joy.
Swinging the sword was joyful. Leaving a mark on the world with the sword was joyful.
Walking the path of the sword might be something like this.
Suddenly, his heart fluttered. It seemed enjoyable to continue walking this path.
And so, he swung the sword until dawn. Strangely, his body did not tire at all.