18
Before I confessed to Seo-ah, my life was just like everyone else’s.
My mind wasn’t bad when I was young,
My family situation was good,
And I lived by getting along with others.
Sometimes I talked with others, read books, and had various experiences, and before I knew it, I had become a high school student.
At that time, studying was boring and uninteresting, so I didn’t do much, but it seemed like others were working hard for their future.
Because of that, there were kids like me who didn’t study much,
But most of them had strong personalities, so I tried not to associate with them.
My life, where I just stayed at home like a hikikomori and only watched anime and played games, got a little better when I somehow ended up going to college.
Of course, that doesn’t mean my life was gloomy.
I still had friends who greeted me, and besides the few kids I met and played with, I had friends I talked to at school.
And thanks to my dad’s recommendation, I got a job at a company and while going around various departments getting introduced, I met her.
My fated partner.
At first, I naturally became interested in her appearance.
No matter how much people say that the heart or understanding each other is important, everyone sees appearances first.
But I didn’t approach her.
I thought that with that kind of appearance, someone would already be there.
But she was a very cold ice wall. No matter who was around her, she walked her own path and rejected anyone’s touch.
At first, I thought it was her personality, but seeing her tired expression and the look of giving up on something, I mustered up courage for the first time and approached her.
Of course, I got cursed at,
but afterwards, it seemed like I focused more on her than on Seoa’s appearance.
She talked about what Seoa likes, what she’s afraid of,
and how she lived a lonely life, always feeling precarious because of it.
I know that Seoa is a child with many wounds.
Unlike her appearance, her environment has oppressed her, and as a result, she has become distrustful of people.
But still, there was no one she could rely on, so she kept running until now, she said.
Once, I asked her why she came to like me,
“Because you’re my pillar, I can rest easy with you, and you tolerate my tantrums… I can’t think of anyone else,” she said.
She told me that because Seoa could fall at any time, she needed a support, and that was me.
And that’s why… I felt like I received her confession.
From Noble mtl dot com
So I went back to the past and felt it again.
Seoa was struggling even in the past,
although she may be smiling now, I feel like she’s crying behind it.
So I approached her again for her sake, but if all my efforts were in vain, then maybe I’m not needed.
It’s just an ordinary morning at school, no different from any other time,
“Why is she like this?”
“I don’t know, she’s been like this since I came earlier.”
I sat on the chair like a corpse, feeling my soul disappearing in real-time.
“Hey, Jihoon! Wake up, dude.”
“hahahaha, why are you like this…”
I groggily got up as a friend from my class called out to me.
“Well… what’s up with you?”
“Um… nothing really happened.”
I suddenly blurted out what I had been keeping to myself, and it turned out that Seoa, of all people, heard it.
“Ah… well, if it’s nothing important, forget it. You know we have a class change, right?”
“…”
Class change… class change… meeting Seoa…
Thud.
“Ah! Wh-why did you suddenly get up?”
“Should I skip school?”
Everyone looked at me with strange eyes at those words.
A little while later, I walked to school with my friend as my escort, feeling flustered.
“Stop messing around and hurry up inside.”
I wrote the sign language for ‘mountain’ on my hand and walked into the classroom, sitting down in my usual spot.
As I looked around, Seoa hadn’t arrived yet, so I sat in the seat I always sat in.
But if Seoa heard that conversation yesterday…
I anxiously waited for Seoa, my nerves on edge.
Drrr…
Seo-ah walked in.
“…”
I pretended to read my textbook while feeling tense, but I couldn’t read it properly. I was just pretending to look at it.
“Um… hello?”
“Uh? Oh… hello?”
Seo-ah sat next to me, but she didn’t look at me.
“Um… the weather is nice today, right?”
“…”
“…Today… that class… was tough… hahahaha, um…”
“…Yeah.”
That’s how the conversation with Seo-ah ended, lasting for an hour.
Even after that, Seo-ah didn’t come to the place where we usually talk during break time, and we didn’t run into each other in the hallway.
It felt like she was avoiding me unilaterally.
“…It was enjoyable, oh world.”
“What are you suddenly talking about?”
“I don’t know, something suddenly feels off since today.”
“Think about it, maybe it can be fixed.”
“Are you a machine? Hey, Jihoon, what’s going on? We’re here, you know.”
The kids asked me, worrying about me, but…
“Yeah… but you guys don’t understand how I feel.”
If I were to confess to Seo-a, and she suddenly says she wants to avoid me…
“Oh, did you go through some kind of trial? Who said we should break up?”
“Hey, this guy has no business dating.”
“Oh, right.”
Hmm, these guys definitely won’t understand.
“Well, if it’s nothing serious, it’s fine, right? But if not… or maybe not?”
“No, I pulled a game gacha ceiling.”
I quickly come up with a plausible reason.
“Oh, that’s a bummer.”
“Ugh… the ceiling is a bit much.”
With that, the guys leave and Seok-ho comes over.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Weren’t you listening earlier?”
“Do you make that expression after just a couple of ceilings? Don’t be ridiculous.”
As expected, my longtime friend seems to have figured out that it’s because of some other reason.
“How would you react if someone you’re close with suddenly promises to confess to you?”
“Oh, f*ck… You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not, so just tell me.”
“…Is she pretty?”
“…”
“Um… Yeah, maybe… It would depend on how much I think of that person.”
I looked at Seokho.
“Why are you thinking about it? I don’t usually think about it, and even if that guy suddenly confesses, I would reject him, even if it feels good.”
“…Is that so?”
“On the other hand, if I have even a slight interest, I might think about accepting the confession. I thought he was a decent guy in that case.”
“…”
Perhaps Seokho’s words were right. If she had a tremendous amount of interest in me and thought about me, then I might be able to accept. But if not…
“In my opinion, Seoah seems to have a lot of interest in you, so wouldn’t that be okay?”
“…Is that so…”
Wait a moment.
“Hey! I’m not talking about myself!”
“Yes, yes, I know. But I still support you~”
He went back to his seat, and the class began.
And not long after, it was lunchtime.
Honestly, by now, I could tell. Wasn’t it yesterday that Seoah heard what I said?
To say that there’s a difference in how it feels before confessing…
Honestly, I’ve never confessed in my life.
I wasn’t interested in the first place, and I didn’t have the courage to confess.
But even so, the reason I wanted to confess was to become Seoah’s support once again, to try to prevent her from suffering as much as possible.
However, she seemed to be doing better than I thought.
In fact, I sometimes wonder if I ignored Seo-ah’s perspective just because I wanted to be with her.
“Hey, let’s go eat.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, where are you going, Seo-ah?”
“We decided to eat separately today.”
For the time being, I decided to think more about her feelings than my own.
After that, I studied diligently.
I continued studying on my own, even without Seo-ah’s help.
“Hey, I’m going to the PC bang. Wanna come?”
“…No, we have a test in two weeks. What’s different from last time?”
After that, it seemed like I hardly had any conversations with Seo-ah for about two weeks.
“More importantly, Park Seo-hyun is looking for you. When are we going to study together?”
“Ah…”
Honestly, I think I’ve been avoiding her. I don’t know how she’ll treat me when we meet again, so I’m scared.
Even though my mental age is already in my 30s, for some reason, I felt like I was using childish tactics.
“Let’s study together this week… Um, tomorrow.”
But I couldn’t avoid her forever, so I decided to meet her as if this upcoming test was our last chance.
“And whatever you’re going through, don’t give up. You look worse than before.”
“What are you talking about? When have I ever…”
“The old days were just ordinary, but these days they seem bleak.”
Is it really that bad..?
“Well, if you have any worries, I’ll listen.”
After expressing my gratitude to Seokho, I returned home.
I can’t figure out what to do about Seoa, no matter how much I think about it.
If Seoa is avoiding me and doesn’t want to hear my confession…
What should I do?
Should I give up on confessing at the festival right now, or is it better to express my feelings at least once?
Come to think of it, the reason Seoa is avoiding my confession might be because she doesn’t want to talk about her own circumstances.
Maybe it’s a problem that needs to be discussed seriously with Seoa, but…
It won’t be easy to bring up the parts of herself that she doesn’t want to show.
How can I convey my sincerity while also resolving Seoa’s uneasiness?
I spent the whole day contemplating.