172 – Agony (3)
Sarak-
Beatrice sat on the edge of the bed with a shallow breath, carefully untying her hair, which she always tied up.
Her hair, which normally falls down her shoulders, is freed to cover her lower back.
“What are you doing?”
She called me in a very calm voice that did not suit the situation.
And I was bruised for a moment.
‘What is it?’
The reason was nothing special.
I did not understand the situation.
So, this is the situation now. It was an indescribable situation as Beatrice and I were preparing to spend the night in the same room.
I touched my forehead for a brief moment and fell into deep thought.
I wanted to use Yongin’s thought acceleration, but I thought it would be just as ugly if I did so, so I held back.
I tried to understand the situation.
-Sleep with me today.
Some time has passed since Beatrice casually said those words.
To be precise, night has come.
The change between day and night, which I didn’t pay attention to because I was usually immersed in the world of images.
But I couldn’t do that now.
“Quickly.”
Just now, Beatrice was patting the seat next to her and sending her eyes towards me.
Needless to say, it was meant as a urging.
I hesitated for a moment, sighed, and walked over to her side.
The fact that I don’t really understand the situation hasn’t changed.
Actually, even at this moment, my whole body was stiff due to tension and an inexplicable sense of elation, but one thing was certain.
‘We should talk.’
I had things to say to her.
First of all, it made me worry.
So, I let go of whatever it was that was just an itchy feeling of tension and collapsed into the seat next to Beatrice.
The bed was slightly lowered.
I then looked back at Beatrice.
To be exact, this is her outfit.
“…… Under.”
There was an inevitable burst of laughter.
“Really, it looks like you came here with purpose… ….”
“Hmm.”
Beatrice reacted indifferently to my mutterings.
Likewise, she only narrowed her eyes slightly while making eye contact with me.
After a short interval, he smiles at me.
“Why?”
Even as she asked a question, she naturally moved her body and came a little closer to me.
The close contact between her shoulders and hers, which is about a span of distance between hers.
Beatrice grinned and drew a playful expression.
“I see you saying that… …. “I guess you imagined something?”
I had no choice but to bring back the tension in her that I thought I had shaken off, but Beatrice just smiled softly, as if she was enjoying even my reaction.
Somehow the kid got a little bolder. Or, she is trying to pretend to be bold.
I thought either way would be great.
I avoided eye contact, hiding my cold sweat.
“There is no such thing.”
“Hey.”
“…… Really.”
Beatrice giggled and laughed at my continued grumpy voice and slightly dropped her shoulder where she had placed it on her.
Even so, the distance only changed from one span to two spans.
Instead, her golden eyes, which have become a little clearer, stare directly at me.
I also did not avoid her gaze.
“You know.”
That wasn’t an exchange of glances to enjoy this mysterious and exciting atmosphere that was flowing between me and her.
At least not now.
I let out a deep breath.
My stomach is not organized well.
To be honest, there is still some hesitation.
Is it really okay to tell this story of mine to others?
It wasn’t a matter of trusting the other person or anything like that. A more fundamental difficulty.
-The other person may not ‘understand’ this story.
It did not mean ‘understanding’, which is used to mean empathy or sympathy.
Rather, it means that there is a possibility of being blocked at the ‘convincing’ stage. This.
I slowly closed my eyes.
‘Pantheon Continent, Planet Mercea, Galactic Fortress Kalbain, Heaven… ….’
Covered eyelids. I get lost in thought in the darkness inside.
‘…… And, Earth.’
The words that come to mind for a long time are ones that I originally did not know. Or, such a concept.
These are the names that Carsilion said.
Perhaps that is the name of a dimension other than this world.
“… ….”
It’s surprising. But the moment I remember the expression and earnestness on the dragon emperor’s face as he said those words, and the madness he was showing without any intention of hiding it -.
I can’t help but sympathize with him.
Maybe it’s empathy. Because it’s the same pain as me, I don’t know if I’ll have to go through it someday.
Even if he forcibly dropped me into this world, the feeling itself would not fade.
I felt it instinctively.
Generally, this wouldn’t be something you would say to someone else.
This means that the situation is different from Carsilion. Didn’t he try to talk to me in the first place while guessing my origins?
Then what about Beatrice?
I looked back at her, suppressing the sighs that were trying to escape her.
From the moment I took off her head, she waited for my next words.
Quiet. Calm. The desire in those eyes was by no means shallow enough to be expressed in such words.
She was waiting for me, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t particularly interested in what I had to say.
It’s probably closer to the opposite, obviously.
Patience has already reached its limit.
But you have to wait.
Wait, it will be given.
For what?
Of course, for me.
He was patiently waiting for me to finish preparing on my own, for me to organize my thoughts and speak once again, even if it was painful.
…… The moment I recognized that attitude, I had no choice but to let out my suppressed breath.
It’s heavy. This was truly overwhelming.
It was too much consideration for me.
I suddenly think about it.
Will I ever be able to meet someone who understands me better than her?
Objectively, we had not known each other for a long time.
Well, isn’t it like a childhood friend you had when you were young?
But, I don’t know. To value her years, I depended on her more than I thought.
And, it was deep.
“…… I am.”
I just spit out the first word without any help.
It was a start against my will.
“I am not from this world. Beatrice.”
The moment I spoke the words, the harshness disappeared.
You might regret it.
I know. I found out. Existence in another dimension was too dangerous a concept to mention to the people of this world.
But, nevertheless.
I couldn’t endure it.
If you don’t tell me, if you don’t reveal everything this time. The opportunity probably won’t come again.
“And.”
Yes. I just felt that way.
I didn’t want to have any regrets.
“My name probably isn’t even ‘Dante.'”
So we decided to talk.
Quite more calm than I thought.
Easier than you think.
That’s how the story that would last a long night began.
*****
Beatrice is said to have attempted to contact the goddess through her prayers. Although she didn’t know much about it, she thought that priests were truly mysterious beings.
The chances of success are slim, and even if you are not a high-ranking priest, you have to be a saint or a pope to achieve proper communication, so it may not be easy in many ways.
But doesn’t that mean you can have a direct conversation with a transcendent being called a goddess?
I was there, repeatedly thinking that it was mysterious, but also feeling envious of the ability itself.
It did not contain any other meaning. I was just literally jealous.
If I could ask a transcendent being for an answer, what would I ask?
My existence, or the meaning of being human?
Even if you get such a golden opportunity, there is a high probability that you won’t be able to say a single proper word.
Actually, even I don’t know what I want to know.
Are you curious about my existence, or do you want to know my identity?
Otherwise, I might just want to be acknowledged for the impurities of the world.
I acknowledged this to some extent through my conversation with Dante.
I can now admit it.
I am not Dante Ruiz el Pale, but I have definitely become ‘Dante.’
In fact, she said that she had already merged with that guy’s consciousness to some extent…….
It is true that thanks to this, we have regained some stability.
At least the fear of denial of my existence has become rare.
‘However, the fundamental problem does not go away.’
The problem lay elsewhere.
I am definitely Dante.
I do not claim that the experience resulting from the viewing and reproduction of memories, or the real Dante’s past acquired through such a process, is completely mine.
However, the life I have lived within the academy will be purely mine.
I can’t give that much away.
Those memories are mine alone.
The only hope and sanctuary I can hold on to now.
So, it has a feeble, fleeting and insignificant value.
I was just afraid of that.
I’m afraid you’ll lose me.
Everything I had from my past life became one with that common name and left me.
I no longer belong to Earth.
I must confess that I did not feel much regret about that fact, and the fact that I did not even think of any special feelings made me tremble with extreme fear.
I felt like I had ceased to be myself.
──If there is a goddess, I wanted to ask.
‘What kind of being am I?’
Because I wanted to ask for an answer from a transcendent being.
‘Where do I belong?’
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a correct answer or a wrong answer.
I just wanted a clear answer.
From someone other than me, from an omniscient and omnipotent being who is thought to know everything -.
‘Can I live here?’
Affirmation of the existence of ‘I’.
‘Please tell me I can live.’
The shallow ties, shallow relationships, and shallow memories I have built up.
I just wanted to ask you not to take it away.
‘…… Please affirm me.’
I want to ask the goddess.
If not the goddess, then to the dragon emperor.
If not to the solvent, then to the devil.
If it’s not even him, it doesn’t matter if it’s anyone who has far transcended this world─.
‘Where can I find the name I lost, my own name that I can put forth in the future?’
Please save me.