Episode 107. Memoirs of a traitor
Tasian Paloi.
Ironically, the time she spent with her was leading to a reason for her to hate her.
The happier the dream, the more painful the despairing reality becomes.
‘Answer me, Mom. ‘Why did you abandon me?’
The more I walked through the river of her blood, the more I felt that her love for her was turning into her resentment.
Even though she seemed to have become accustomed to the repeated slaughter over the years, the warmth she felt in his arms…….
The things that could be called ‘love’ that were shown to me were seen as hope that even I could be saved.
‘Did I do something wrong? Or, do you just want to see me suffer?’
It was when I became an adult that I was so tired of the torture of hope that I even killed my heart.
Only after I reached a position that no one could handle anymore, I finally gave up my soft heart and accepted the nature of the world as it is.
In an age where people are dying like trash wherever you go, orphans who have lost their parents are just as common as stones on the side of the road.
‘…… Yes, I don’t have a mom anymore.’
And the mother, who was once thought to be everything in the world, is nothing more than a being who needs to be independent to adults.
I realized that it was past time to be foolish anymore, and after that, I vowed again and again to get out of her shadow.
‘Forget about mom, live for me from now on…’
That was the reason why I entered the path of a warrior.
If I had set her on the path of becoming a murderer, I thought that in order to forget her, all I had to do was accomplish a feat that would make me forget that I was even her killer.
In order for me, who reigned as an object of fear to everyone, to live proudly, I felt it necessary to deal with a disaster worse than mine with my own hands.
‘Tasian…. ‘Do you remember me?’
But what was the reality like?
At the end of a journey with the support of many people, why has the person who created the beginning of the story now appeared?
‘It’s okay if you don’t remember. ‘I didn’t come here to have a leisurely chat with you either.’
When the power she instilled in me resonated.
At that moment, she was unable to keep her cool and put her hatred towards her sword.
‘I’ll make you regret abandoning me. ‘Damn mom.’
Even her lingering affection that came from such love was suppressed by her good cause of her mission as a warrior, and she boldly swung her sword towards her.
I am prepared to bury my bones here.
Forgetting about her mission as a hero, her only goal was to kill her.
‘With this much power, all I had to do was run away.’
But why?
The reason why I, who was content with just swinging my sword without thinking, felt sadness from her roar.
‘This is a race that you do not need to protect. ‘The foolish and arrogant race that you were trying to protect is the race of idiots who are tired of living and have disappeared from this world, and who believe that they are the rulers of this world!’
Yes, it’s sad…
That day, I felt sadness from her cries.
Although it may have been just a scream to others, I still remembered the days I spent with her.
‘Do you think they will be grateful to you? Do you really believe that those who gave you all the burden and drove you to death are worth going to this length to protect?’
I felt that the past blended with the present and gave meaning to the current roar.
Contemplating whether what I am saying now is a sermon towards lesser beings, or is it nothing more than hatred and anger aimed at the beings who have bothered me…….
‘… I think there is.’
After realizing that she would eventually call it her scream, I felt that her murderous intent towards her was gradually dulling.
Her body has brought out such things countless times since I too was abandoned by her.
Even if the trigger is the one in front of me, if what I feel right away is a scream, I can’t help but sympathize with it even if I don’t like it.
‘Because I was raised by people like you, and I knew that I was just like them.’
But even in such a hopeless world, didn’t I meet people who supported me?
Having received the support of those people, didn’t I seize the opportunity to escape from my past?
‘I learned that they also have character, beliefs, and lives.’
Thanks to them, I had the opportunity to die as a human being, and there was no way I could step down from this position.
If that feeling is still the same, this fight should prioritize the cause, not revenge, and the heart for someone other than myself.
‘I learned that humans are a species that has different thoughts and fights, but can also understand those differences.’
Even though such obsession could not erase all hatred, it made the person in front of me feel a sense of kinship.
That feeling of kinship led me to contrast my memories with her present and to reflect on her human circumstances.
‘I felt love from you. Like the people who took me in after that… ….’
If you were an ordinary person, how would you react if you saw yourself falling apart in front of the person you gave your heart to?
I imagined how a person who has lived for over 10,000 years would feel if he were to show his daughter the time that was only a moment.
‘… The reason I ran away at that time was probably just because I was clumsy and immature. Even if I had lived for 10,000 years, it would have been my first time raising a child.’
It must have been scary.
It must have been confusing to experience something for the first time, especially since you have been living for such a long time.
So, I needed time to calm my mind.
The foolish warmongers could not tolerate such leisure, so they went berserk.
‘As a human being, I believe I understand you.’
After reading such immaturity, I could no longer consider the person in front of me a disaster.
What is a disaster?
If she really did everything because of such immaturity, the feelings she had for me could definitely be defined as ‘love’.
‘Give me a chance.’
Despite her resentment toward her mother, I chose not to swing my sword at her and appeal to her heart.
It doesn’t change the fact that she is already a monster who burned down her world, but if she had a heart that human beings could understand, she would never ignore what she said just now.
If you truly have that kind of heart, then I, who came here to die as a human, should not ignore that feeling.
‘A chance to prove that the beings you have so far regarded as insignificant are worthy of existing in this world.’
Those are the words I chose as a warrior, not an avenger.
After reaching my limit, I laid down my exhausted body and quietly closed my eyes.
– Shake it off.
I hope that the confusion my immature mother feels will be put to an end with this will.
I hope that my sad life, which is nothing more than a murderer, will leave behind some meaning through this final act of charity.
****
-Kyaang, Kaang.
I realized that the life that was supposed to end like that was continuing due to the sound of hammering that I heard at some point.
It was only when her ego was quickly awakened that she realized it, but the memories she had made of her before that still existed.
The memories of the person named Tacia Philo, who became my original, and the heart of a being called mother who forged the soul of such a being into a weapon.
‘When you are complete.’
Tassian Paloi.
Why did she refine the soul of her daughter who died in her hands and create a being called me?
‘If the day comes when you stand in front of me again like that time…. Will I then know what I feel?’
She never clearly explained the reason.
I just put magic power in my hand and hit the anvil.
I just focus on building my body in silence.
-Kyaang!
But the emotions contained in that hammering were being conveyed to me.
The memories I have kept since I was born taught me what kind of heart the mother who killed her daughter had in forging me.
‘Kill me.’
For humans, it is a time that is close to a lifetime, but for beings who live forever, it is only a moment.
And for the dead, who are not surprised even if they are already dead, they endure pain that feels like an eternity.
During that time, I knew very well that I was indebted to her, waiting for the day when she would pay for her sins.
‘Please don’t forgive me for abandoning you.’
‘Please don’t forgive me for killing you and not admitting my guilt.’
Every time those feelings were conveyed to her, I felt that her feelings were leading to one path.
The earnest wish to sublimate love, resentment, and the misery of life by ending up as a hero…
It is also true that the reason for creating a being that inherited all that was nothing more than atonement to acknowledge the sins one had committed.
-Cheolpuk, Cheolpuk.
Yes, that is the reason I was born, and it is my mother’s wish for me to continue her memory.
If I truly loved the mother who gave me birth, I had a duty to rely on her past memories and live up to those memories.
-…I’m so sorry.
I have not lost myself even after going through all those memories.
Finally, she was able to once again set foot in front of Philoi, who had visited that day.
“…… Philroy.”
She has only inherited the memories of a woman who wanted to die as a warrior, and now she is an immature child, no different from a newborn.
“Can I talk to you, Dad?”
From Noble mtl dot com
And that’s why he considers me, who had nothing to do with that fate, to be his father.
A person to call my daughter.
****
-Shoot.
The lake I visited to wash away the blood.
I felt the rain pouring down in the space created by projecting those memories, washing away the blood on my skin.
As if the feelings I felt toward the person who came to me at this moment brought about change in this space.
“The person who passed on my memories……. “In the end, I tried to die as a hero, not an avenger.”
When I felt the blood gradually draining from my body, I decided to share with him the memories that formed my foundation.
The story of a woman who mourned her own life and the rebellion she committed at the end of her life.
“Fighting for revenge won’t give you comfort in your life. Because she knew that even her mother, whom she considered trash, had maternal instincts in her.”
Love and hatred for his mother, his wish to escape from his past and his calling as a warrior awakened from it… And even his mother’s expectations for him as he inherited those memories.
I wanted him to understand that all of this leads to the need to stop the mother who wants to destroy humanity.
“So I have to kill her mother. “Because I love her mom, I have to live up to her mom’s expectations.”
But in the end, that too is just the result of being pushed around.
I just persevered and moved on because there was nothing I could do, and there was never a moment when I thought it was okay.
I doubted at every moment whether this was really okay.
Is it right to kill the mother who created me, relying on the memories I was born with?
“But why…” ….”
If I still had to achieve it, I hoped that someone would drive a wedge in my mind to erase my hesitation.
Not my mother, not me in my past life…. I thought that if a third party who intervened in this fate appeared and drove a wedge, I too would be able to carry out her mission to kill her without hesitation.
“Why didn’t Dad give the same answer as Mom? If we had just come up with an answer together, there wouldn’t have been any pain.
I wanted that person to be my father.
If she makes a choice and the person who enlightened me joins in, I too will be able to make a decision with peace of mind.
“Just…” . At the very least, if you had left me forever, you wouldn’t have suffered this much…….”
But at this moment, I felt my heart swell just by meeting him who came to me with his tattered spirit.
It had to be that way.
I am a being who established my identity by meeting him.
With memories of longing for love mixed in with such an established ego, it is natural to have special feelings for a father who has no reason to hate.
“But why did you appear in front of me like that? Why!”
I turned away from the person who longed for such family love, and ended up committing an act of betrayal that turned him into the same person I was in my past life.
Yes, it is such a painful and painful thing to betray the person you gave your heart to without realizing it.
Because this is what my mother feels, she molded her daughter’s soul into a being called me.
“…… “Because I haven’t heard it yet.”
Even when I felt that sense of kinship, he was moving his feet towards me.
As my emotions become more intense, I am narrowing the distance between myself and myself by wading through the pouring rain and using it to wipe away the blood staining my body.
“What…”
“I saw your memories, but… …. “Because I haven’t heard your wish yet.”
At the end, my father stands in front of me, bends his knees and comes to eye level.
The reason he remains silent like that is probably because he is waiting for me to get an answer.
“My, the wind…… ?”
“Yes, your wish… ….”
Do not scold me for closing my heart.
Even though my mind and body were broken on the way here……
“Philoi. I am……”
On the contrary, based on those memories, he tried to demonstrate understanding of the mother he had encountered.
“I don’t think that the things Mr. Tachia gave me… Were lies.”
I felt that my desire to find someone who would embrace me in this harsh world became stronger by finding someone who loved me.
“If you really felt love for Ms. Tachia, I think what she has for me is no different.”
Yes, if she says she loves her, then she must protect it.
I knew very well that such sincerity was expressed through the act of stroking my head.
“… Really.”
Because we have been together until now.
Because I felt with him what kind of heart he lived in this world, who awakened my sense of self.
“Mom, you’re not going to kill me? Even though you saw all my memories…?”
“That’s why I came all the way here.”
He maintained that mindset until the end and now that he has come this far, he has still not broken down and is trying to make his intentions known.
“So tell me, Firoy, what do you want?”
Not with love, not with hatred, but also with the mission we embraced when we were reborn.
It all led to her having to kill her. Even though I was facing my own fate, I hoped to intervene in it.
“… “Family.”
Even though I doubt whether I can answer that question.
Before I knew it, my lips were moving as if I was being drawn to him.
“I want to have a family.”
There was no way I could bear it.
In my past life, I reluctantly adapted to that reality, but now I was just a newborn child.
I know best from my past life how painful it is to be forced to do something like that to an immature child.
At this moment, my immature mind, which had not yet finished growing, was breaking down at the question I loved, forcing me to pour out my true feelings.
“I want to know what it’s like to become an adult under mom and dad… ….”
I don’t want to kill you.
My mother, who truly loved me even though I was foolish.
I don’t want her to commit her sins because of me anymore.
“… “If that’s what you want, I’ll be with you.”
As if he was already ready to accept even that kind of pressure, his hands began to cup my head.
Beyond experiencing memories, I completely accepted my existence within myself.
“Let’s go spread the word together, Philoi.”
You conveyed to me your promise that you would never lose yourself.
Man l love this story