230 – Prelude to Awakening (2)
Lucas thought.
Is this what death is?
Is this comforting, serene silence the feeling of death?
···Then this isn’t too bad either.
For Lucas, who has lived a life of constantly proving himself, this kind of peace has been something he has longed for for a long time.
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But even so, the lingering feelings that passed through my mind could not be easily shaken off.
When I look back on my own end, did I not meet the end in such a shabby way?
He was so enraged by the enemy’s words that he ran wild like a child and met his death.
After awakening his abilities with Ed’s help, he thought he could defeat any enemy.
As expected, mental discipline was as important as an individual’s military power.
In the end, he was unable to control his mind and was unable to fully utilize his abilities, which is why he ended up like this.
‘No, let’s not blame ourselves anymore. It’s all over anyway…’
But he should blame himself, the situation is already over.
Right now, he still remains conscious, but as time goes by, he will definitely face death.
Even now, the light of consciousness was in danger enough to be extinguished if one wanted to let it go.
Since he had already suffered from self-destruction and self-blame for a long time, he wanted to spend the last moments in peace.
-Paaat!
But at that moment.
A strange thing began to happen.
Are some memories not coming into my suddenly blurred consciousness?
‘···This.’
And that memory was enough to hold on to Lucas’ increasingly distant spirit.
It is the memory of his mother, the person he loves and respects the most, not anyone else.
‘Ah…’
The beginning of my memory was the memory of when I had just given birth.
At that time, her mother was smiling with tears in her eyes as she looked at her newborn daughter with the happiest face in the world.
‘Look, it looks a lot like you, right? ‘He’s a healthy boy.’
, She was a mother speaking to her father in heaven.
-···You are destroying this temple.
However, her grandfather, the ancestral head of the Elmar family, disapproved of her mother.
She blamed her mother for breaking her father’s heart, saying that since she had given birth to a lowly commoner’s child, the honor of the Elmar family was over.
-······.
However, her mother did not say anything.
Before Ed appeared, commoners were treated almost like animals.
Her mother, well aware of the unwritten rules of her aristocratic society, silently endured her grandfather’s resentment.
Just like that, her memories skip back 5 years.
-Father!
The mother bursts through the door of the head office.
Her grandfather narrowed his eyes sharply and looked at her mother.
However, her mother was extremely angry and did not even care about her grandfather’s expression.
Her mother screamed.
-How can you do that!
-···What do you mean?
-How can you so blatantly ignore Lucas when other children are also present? He’s your father’s grandchild! If you’re family, you have to protect them!
-···Family? Does this mean that Banpoon, who did not inherit Elmar’s last name, is family?
-Father!
-That child is Jack Dionel’s child. It’s Lucas Dionel, not Lucas Elmar.
Lucas closed his eyes.
Forgotten trauma began to stimulate him.
He was a grandfather who hated him.
Nevertheless, he followed his grandfather very much.
Since he had no father, he thought of him as a father and wanted to be loved.
-···If this continues, I have no reason to be here anymore. Even if you are my father! If you hurt Lucas like that, I won’t stay silent!
At that time, her angry mother released her mana and conveyed her true feelings.
Originally, the grandfather reacted immediately, as her mother was known to be an idiot before she met her father.
-···Jeong In that case, please follow the conditions.
-······.
-You have tarnished your family’s honor by giving birth to a commoner’s child. Re-establish the family’s prestige yourself. At the moment, His Majesty the Emperor is pursuing a war of conquest.
My grandfather said that and presented a document sent from the central government.
Her mother quickly looked through the document, then got down on one knee and said.
-···Adela Elmar, I will obey the orders of Grand Duke Elmar and represent the family and carry out the orders of the emperor.
-···Go and see.
That was when her mother turned 23 years old.
My mother led the military and participated in the war of conquest.
And in that fierce battlefield, my mother tried with all her might.
To prove myself.
In order to somehow make the name of the Elmar family known to the emperor’s ears, he worked hard, tried hard, and made a name for himself.
The effort I put in was laughable.
My mother’s efforts were those that risked her life.
-Haa…Haa…Haa…
However, my mother still visited the estate once a week to see me.
It took turns riding the warp several times and flew to Elmar Territory.
-Phew…
However, just because there was a warp, it did not mean that it could come in an instant.
If you were to upload it from that far away, you would have to go through quite a few exchanges.
My mother stayed up all night and flew to Elmar Estate without sleeping even a wink.
That too came secretly, taking advantage of a brief moment while wandering through the deadly battlefield.
-Sssssibly.
But still, my mother did not show any signs of it to me.
Whenever I passed through the main gate of the estate covered in blood, I would always stop by the bathhouse, wash myself clean, and open my door with a big smile.
Without knowing anything, I ran to her mother and fell into her arms.
Mom stroked my head and asked me how the past week had been.
Has anyone bothered you?
People shower me with questions about whether I ate well.
However, as her mother’s activities reached the ears of her grandfather, my treatment improved.
I smile brightly and show off the toy in my hand.
She shows off the toy her grandfather threw away with more pride than anything else.
-Wow~ It would be nice for our Lucas~. Did her grandfather buy it for her?
-Yes. hehehe. I guess grandpa doesn’t hate me anymore.
-······.
The mother’s expression suddenly becomes tearful.
My mother stroked my head without saying a word.
After playing with me for about 4 hours.
The mother prepares to leave for the battlefield again.
This is because it is impossible to come here according to military law.
Only because she was the commander of the Elmar family and the empress of the battlefield, the corps commander turned a blind eye to her.
-Lucas, I’m sorry about your mom. Next time we come, let’s have a lot of fun.
-···Chi. I said that last time too.
-······.
-···I don’t know. Still, her grandfather likes her mother because she beats her in some kind of fighting competition. Are you going to stay for a really long time next time?
-Yes. Next time, Mom will really make time.
Like that, my mother looked back at me several times and then headed back to the battlefield.
She rides on her horse without sleeping even a wink and proceeds to doze off.
-Adela Elmar. His Majesty the Emperor has handed down the Imperial Sword to praise you for your merits. Please accept the Imperial Sword with courtesy.
When the war of conquest that lasted about three years ended.
My mother was able to receive the imperial sword.
In recognition of her outstanding contribution in this war of conquest, her mother was given an honorable plaque, given to only one person.
However, the imperial sword was only a symbol and had no real benefits.
All mining rights to the mines obtained through this war of conquest were delegated to the Elmar family.
-Huh, if this happens, the situation will change again, right?
-Damn, is this why I have to watch my mouth? I was chewing on the Elmar guys to my heart’s content.
In this way, the Elmar family was revived again.
Our family had suffered all kinds of insults and fallen because of giving birth to a commoner’s child, but now that we have a mine that pours out a huge amount of gold, the aristocratic family that is quick to profit and lose is starting to come together again.
From then on, she called her mother ‘Empress of the East’ to flatter her, and this became her nickname.
-My daughter. It was really hard. It’s because you don’t have eyes for men, how proud I am.
Let’s get mining rights and return to the family. Her mother went from being her daughter to becoming our daughter.
By that time, my grandfather had given me the last name of Elmar as promised, and I could officially become a child of a noble family.
-Ha, is this thing crawling here because it’s called Elmar?
However, installing Elmar did not solve everything.
Disdain for me was still rampant among noble children.
I didn’t know it, but my mother was watching me from afar.
She was glaring at those children with a face filled with anger, as if she would tear them to death at any moment.
-······.
However, my mother just turned around.
He knows that if he comes forward here, I will be even more embarrassed.
-Lucas, your father was a man. You too must become a man.
Instead, on the day I returned home, he gently hugged me and gave me a goal.
It is said that you have to become a ‘man’, something you have been hearing about for a long time.
-···Yes. Okay.
However, at that time, I hated my father.
I thought the reason my grandfather disliked me and the reason I was teased by noble children was because my father was born into a lowly class.
So I tried to prove myself in another way.
It was difficult to build the castle of Elmar.
I started dreaming of becoming a perfect nobleman and making everyone look up to me.
-Fuhahahaha. Who is this? Isn’t this our great nobleman, Lucas Elmar?
-Ah. That great commoner’s blood flows?
Of course, it wasn’t easy.
My social debut was a series of hardships.
I was teased so much that I couldn’t raise my face because I was embarrassed.
After being ridiculed so much, I hid in a place where no one was around and shed tears.
-Okay.
But then I decided on one thing.
I decided to prove myself just as my mother, who was despised and called the shame of nobility, became the Empress of the East.
The moment I made a decision to face such evil, ambition bloomed in my eyes.
An ambition to become the strongest among noble peers and stand above them.
“······.”
However, there was something I was overlooking.
The memories I see now are those of my mother, who knew all about my first social debut.
This is because a person was attached and projected through a video transmission crystal ball.
The servant whom my mother assigned took pictures of me crying while hiding with a video transmission crystal ball and sent them to her mother.
And the mother who saw the video.
-I will go out for a moment and come back.
-Yes, lady.
I ran outside holding the crystal ball.
I went up the mountain, trying hard to hold back the tears that were about to burst out.
After confirming that no one was there, the mother began to cry.
I shed tears as I kept repeating that I was sorry.
But I saw it for the first time today.
Seeing my mother cry.
She never once thought that her mother would shed tears.
I thought she was someone who didn’t shed tears.
-Lucas, how was social church today?
-···Well, it was just like that. It was boring.
I didn’t know this, but my mother and I had similarities.
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It’s hard, but you pretend to be okay.
However, my mother smiled bitterly and hugged me.
He patted my back and spoke kindly to me.
-Still, it was difficult, right? Are you okay. It was like that at first.
-······.
I was held in my mother’s arms and clenched my pants.
I felt like I was going to burst into tears, so I pinched my thighs and my lips trembled.
My mother said with a grin.
-Lucas, what did you say men shouldn’t do?
-···You can’t cry.
-Yes. And men, you have to be strong. Do you want Lucas to become stronger too?
-···Yes.
-Then, shall we go to class with mom starting tomorrow? You are now old enough to learn techniques.
I nodded.
Like this, my mother gave me what I needed at the right time.
And that was the same memory 10 years later.
My mother’s attention was always focused on me.
If something happened, he would throw away all his work and come running to me.
But my mother never showed it to me.
I was under the illusion that my mother was indifferent to me.
I didn’t know if he was being cautious for fear of hurting my feelings.
-Mother. From now on, I will call you mother.
When I reached puberty, I started acting out.
When she happened to visit Isabella’s house, she saw Isabella giving an honorific address to Archduke Adrian and thought, ‘Ah, is that the etiquette of a nobleman?’ So she said she would address her mother with the same courtesy.
-Okay, now that you are a proper noble, please be polite to the head of the family.
However, my mother smiled and accepted my welcome.
Perhaps he had already figured out my childish desire to be seen as a proper noble adult.
But I couldn’t treat my mother properly because I thought I had to look like an aristocratic adult.
As I became more and more recognized in the social world, I became increasingly distant from my mother, intoxicated by the praise and attention.
For no reason, I started to gain weight inside the house just to keep my poop in shape.
Suddenly, looking at my past self, I want to beat the sh*t out of myself.
-Lucas. Don’t you want to go to your father’s grave with your mother?
-······I don’t like it. Why should I go there? At the grave of the person who left only scars on my mother.
-······.
-And, I am also a worthy reader of the Elmar family. Please don’t treat me like a child.
My fists were shaking.
If I met myself back then, I would want to slap that person in the mouth.
Nevertheless, my mother smiled and nodded her head.
-I’m sorry. The woman’s thoughts were short. Then I’ll go to the oxygen and come back, so make yourself at home.
With those words, the mother headed to her father’s hospital.
An old vassal accompanied my mother, and when they arrived at Sansan, the vassal asked my mother.
I wonder if you were hurt by my attitude.
My mother smiled and shook her head.
-No. That child has every right to blame my husband. On the contrary, I am so grateful that he grew up well even in such difficult circumstances.
-······.
-I just wait. If my feelings toward him don’t change, won’t Lucas wonder about it someday? What kind of person is he that keeps coming here?
-······.
-But for that time to come, you have to learn all the anger inside you. Until then, you should never force it or rush it. It is Lucas’ decision to accept him to any extent.
The butler bowed his head.
He humbled himself, saying he was embarrassed because he did not know the great intentions of the head of the family.
-···hehehehe. No way. I am also a bad mother.
However, her mother smiled bitterly as she plucked the weeds that had bloomed on her father’s grave.
She then started talking about why she called herself a bad mother.
-As a mother, I did not give Lucas enough love. If I take his side, there will be no one to correct him.
-······.
-So… I was never able to acknowledge it. He looks at me, hoping that the child will praise him… But he is also afraid that the child might become conceited. I couldn’t sincerely praise the child because I was afraid he would relax if I relaxed.
-···Matriarch······.
-···The situation is like that. Isn’t the situation in the empire chaotic? In the aftermath of the Great War, many noble families rose and fell, and the Kingdom of Clendor declared itself an empire. Now that we don’t know when war will break out again, His Majesty the Emperor is pushing for the establishment of an academy under the pretext of conquering the land. This is an era where we must grow strong.
-······.
-Perhaps when the academy is established, our Lucas will also enroll. Until then, I plan to prepare the child as much as possible.
With those words, her mother withdrew from her oxygen.
He then knelt respectfully in front of his father’s grave and told him about his current situation.
After talking for a while, my mother got up and prepared to leave.
But then.
“···Matriarch.”
The vassal called his mother.
When the mother turned her head, the vassal asked a meaningful question.
“By any chance, what level do you think Master Lucas is? That is, if you are admitted to the academy. “I’m telling you this because I think we need to prepare as thoroughly as possible, taking into account the master’s level.”
A deacon trying to figure out what my skills are in preparation for entering the academy.
“hehehehe. “Do you call that a question?”
However, my mother smiled like the sun at that question.
And then he spoke with a confident voice, as if he were preaching the immutable truth of this world.
“Of course our Lucas is the best. That kid has never disappointed me. Before, now, and in the future. Forever.”
With those words, the mother turned and went down her mountain.
However, strangely enough, I could not see her mother properly.
This is because her eyes are blurry and she cannot see clearly.
“····Ah. Ah···.”
I am an asshole.
Even though I was receiving so much love, I had the illusion that I was abandoned alone in this world.
She was jealous of Ed for being by her mother’s side, and resented her mother for not staying away from Ed.
‘You idiot… You idiot…’
It is selfishness.
Adela Elmar’s selfishness that her life should exist only for Lucas Elmar.
In the first place, I wasn’t even curious about my mother’s life.
No, I was just under the illusion that I knew everything based on a few words I had heard.
What kind of woman is your mother?
Who did you meet and how did you fall in love?
What kind of agony did you go through while raising me?
I didn’t think about those things at all.
She just thought that her mother was a mother when she was born, and that she will always be a mother from now on.
I did not look into Adela Elmar’s personal life at all.
‘Why… I…’
My heart ached.
In the 19 years of raising me, there was no personal life for Adela Elmar.
I only replaced you for the well-being of my family and son.
He didn’t care about his own feelings or happiness at all.
Only me.
I just lived as a sacrifice for myself.
‘Asshole…Asshole bastard…’
I regret it so much.
I wonder how much it hurts my mother who lost me.
He was a person who was careful about his every word and every action for fear of hurting my feelings.
How much you would wail if you found out that I died suddenly.
‘I shouldn’t have done that…’
I regret everything, everything.
It may not be possible, but I hope you give me one more chance.
Please, if there is a God…If you exist…Just one more time so I can correct my mistake.
“─Su! Lucas!”
At that time, someone’s desperate voice penetrated my consciousness.
The voice was so earnest that I wondered if it was my mother calling me.
However, I soon realized that the owner of the voice was Claire.
“Lucas. I will never abandon you. “I will definitely take it out for you.”
And she reassured me that she would never abandon me.
My emotions, tinged with regret and despair, began to calm down.
-Suooooo…
Warm energy seeping into me.
I felt that warm energy and an unknown happiness.
Happiness and peace began to surround me, as if I was being held in my mother’s arms when I was a 5-year-old child.
“I’ve been in love with you for over 10 years. “You didn’t know, right?”
In the midst of all this, unbelievable words reached me.
I’m trapped here and can’t show my emotions, but if I had actually heard it, the sound of my heart beating would have echoed everywhere.
Eventually, Claire began to pour out her own story.