069. Self-awareness (1)
Lucia hesitated at Owen’s words.
A faint tremor ran through her crimson eyes.
“Like now, very honestly.”
“…Why now.”
“Because they were trembling. Your eyes.”
Owen reached out and gently brushed under her eyes.
With a sly smile, he said, “Your love was peeking through like this.”
“….”
It was hard to believe, the battlefield was full of confusion.
It was possible.
How could someone who had never experienced love realize it in a single moment?
No matter how many times he whispered and repeated, it was not enough.
“Lucia.”
Owen called out her name with a smiling face.
Lucia’s gaze followed his affectionate voice as if by habit.
He looked at her two red eyes, lost in confusion.
Seeing his upright gaze, it seemed she flinched.
“I love you.”
Owen recited his words like a song.
As he finished speaking, raindrops began to fall from the sky.
Plop, plop.
The slowly falling raindrops gradually started to make a fierce sound.
“Ah….”
Owen looked up at the sky, narrowing his eyes.
Unpleasant memories were slowly creeping up, suffocating his chest and making him breathless.
It was an incomprehensible reaction.
To crumble like this from just getting wet in the rain.
It also felt helpless.
‘…He must have felt the same way.’
But gradually, as he understood the reason,
Owen stopped sighing.
As a child, he must have felt powerless in front of all these memories and experiences.
The shattered child, consumed by helplessness and self-blame, would have continued to wander even as an adult.
“Owen.”
Lucia approached him, barely breathing as she couldn’t even think of avoiding the rain.
Her sweat-soaked clothes were drenched by the rain, making them cold.
Lucia placed her hand on his wet clothes.
“Are you okay?”
Her worried eyes were filled with concern.
Her warmth touched him.
Her hand, which had held his arm, was now on his cheek.
“It’s the rain, right. It was the same yesterday. My breathing becomes irregular when it rains.”
“…Right.”
Lucia easily understood the reason for his change.
With no other choice but to accept it, she hugged him tightly, exhaling deeply.
“Let’s go inside. You’ll catch a cold if you stay in the rain.”
“Okay.”
Even though he was a Swordmaster, he wouldn’t catch a cold, Owen obediently nodded.
He knew she was expressing her concern, but he couldn’t help but accept it.
“Bring a towel.”
As they entered the building, Lucia called a maid to bring a towel.
Seeing Owen and Lucia drenched in rain, the maid hurriedly brought the towels.
“I’ll handle it.”
Taking two towels from the maid, Lucia began to dry Owen’s body herself.
Seeing her wet as well, prioritizing him was quite unfamiliar.
“You might catch a cold like this.”
Owen, who had been silent, finally covered Lucia’s shoulders with the remaining towel.
Then he embraced her as she was, supporting her back, and carried her up the stairs to the bedroom assigned to Lucia.
“Wash up and change your clothes. I’ll do the same.”
“Are you sure?”
As Lucia hurriedly added to her words about going to wash up.
Whenever it rained, Owen seemed to exhibit peculiar symptoms, which worried Lucia a great deal.
“Are you worried about me?”
Owen looked at her with a smile.
Was it appropriate to smile in such a situation?
Lucia furrowed her brow.
“You’re smiling now? You were like this yesterday and then…”
“Just because I like to.”
“…”
“You’re worrying about me.”
Owen held Lucia’s hand, bringing it to his lips for a brief kiss.
Then he continued, looking at her.
“You once said you liked it when you could feel that I love you.”
“…I did.”
“I like it when I can see you’re worried about me.”
Owen whispered softly.
His words made Lucia furrow her brow once more.
“It’s something I can’t help. But it’s better when there’s nothing to worry about. I don’t wish for Owen to be in pain.”
“I know. I won’t intentionally cause myself harm, so don’t worry.”
Whispering these words, Owen detached himself from Lucia.
“I should really go wash up now. I’m starting to feel cold.”
“Fine.”
Reluctantly, Lucia nodded her head.
Then she called for the maids and headed to the bathroom.
Owen also left her room and headed to his own.
His room was already prepared for a bath.
Owen got into the tub filled with warm water.
The bathtub was luxuriously crafted from marble, magically maintaining the temperature.
A faint woody scent rose, perhaps mixed with fragrant oils.
It was not a sharp smell but a subtle, lingering fragrance that made Owen close his eyes, leaning against the tub.
The attendants skillfully attended to Owen’s bath.
Despite it being the second bath of the day, they finished their service without showing signs of weariness.
Perhaps having people around made a difference, as Owen felt much better after the bath than before.
It seemed that watching or experiencing the rain alone was not the most favorable situation.
When Owen finished changing with the help of the attendants.
“Owen.”
Lucia entered the bedroom.
Although she had gone in first to wash up, she came out earlier than expected, prompting Owen to give her a puzzled look as she approached and stood close.
“Everything was fine, right?”
It seemed that was the issue.
“Shouldn’t have been caught. Or maybe shouldn’t have said anything.”
It was Owen’s mistake to speak, knowing it would cause worry.
If he had known it would worry her, he should have kept quiet.
“Don’t hide or run away.”
Lucia grabbed his face abruptly.
Holding his cheeks with her hands, she glared at him, warning.
“Tell me honestly. Why do you react to rain like that?”
Listening to Lucia, Owen gestured to the attendants.
Seeing this, the observant attendants quickly tidied up and left the room.
Despite this, Lucia didn’t let go of Owen and continued speaking.
“Why are you afraid of rain? What’s the reason? Do you have to hide it from me?”
Owen lowered his head slightly at her probing tone.
Then, she sighed, releasing him.
“I would appreciate it if you were honest. We’re about to be engaged soon. I believe I have the right to know.”
She was right.
Their relationship was overly private to hide things just because he didn’t want to worry her.
Owen pondered on how to approach the conversation.
No matter how he brought it up, his body would react on its own, but he still needed to consider the best way to explain.
“I’m not afraid of rain. Rain is just a catalyst that brings memories to mind most vividly. It’s not the primary reason that troubles me.”
He started with rain.
It seemed like she misunderstood his fear of rain, so it was necessary to correct that.
“So?”
“The rain… it reminds me of that day. When I was seventeen, my parents passed away. It was quite a shock for me.”
“Ah.”
“It was summer. It was during the heavy monsoon season when the rain poured down a lot. They were on their way back from a carriage accident. You must know that.”
Listening to his continued words, Lucia remained silent, unable to speak.
Watching her attentively listening, Owen decided to calmly continue speaking.
It was still okay.
So far, he could bear it.
“My parents were a significant presence in my life. I could never win against them, they always crushed me.”
But as he thought that, he suddenly felt short of breath.
Owen struggled to control his breathing and continued.
“I thought they deeply loved each other. They used to leave me behind and go to resorts together. So, I thought their relationship must be good.”
From Noble mtl dot com
Surprise flickered in Lucia’s eyes.
It was understandable as unknown facts started to emerge.
“But it wasn’t like that. So, I couldn’t believe anymore. I thought love didn’t really exist.”
“So…”
“Yes. So. I thought people who never loved me were loving each other endlessly. I was mistaken, foolishly.”
His breath became heavy.
Simultaneously, a bitter smile towards himself emerged.
He didn’t mean to say this.
But ended up blaming himself and speaking harshly.
Yes, that’s it.
It was Owen’s trauma after all.
“My parents had a good relationship, like they loved each other deeply. I thought of them as a family. How big of a misconception that was…”
Even in his rushed breathing, one could sense clear self-mockery.
It was all a mockery aimed at himself.
“I was careless and powerless. I wanted to believe that violence, resentment, self-pity, and blaming others were forms of familial love.”
“What? Wait, Owen.”
Lucia urgently interrupted.
But once the truth started pouring out, it couldn’t be stopped.
Emotions poured out like a waterfall, or swept away like a tidal wave.
The feelings kept pouring out.
“Hitting and confining my people, trying to harm them, it was all my fault.”
“Your parents treated you like that…”
“But what could a child think. They say parents are always right. They say they’re right…”
His chest felt tight.
He couldn’t breathe, his body trembled.
The vanished wounds began to ache.
Owen remained seated as he was.
“I just… I couldn’t help it, I…”
The confession of the past had turned into a plea.
Owen, with his rising breath, grasped the hem of Lucia’s dress.
Like a delicate gesture of seeking mercy after being beaten by his mother, like that.
“Don’t cry.”
Lucia said in a choked voice.
Only after she said that did Owen realize.
He was crying.
“Why are you crying? This was your parents’ fault. How dare they…”
And she was crying too.
Tears welled up in her red eyes and streamed down.
Owen couldn’t say anything as he watched Lucia’s tears.
It felt like the accident had come to a halt.
“Don’t cry because of the people who hurt you. Your tears are too precious.”
Lucia stooped down to comfort Owen.
And as she embraced him, she whispered.
“What did those people do to you? Owen, tell me.”
“Why would…”
Feeling a bit better in the warmth of their closeness, Owen barely spoke, and Lucia, with fiery eyes, uttered a chilling voice.
“I have to seek revenge.”
“… They are already dead.”
“Even if it means paying with their lives, it’s the only way to settle the score.”
Her cheek felt the touch of a hand once again.
It was a gentle gesture, yet her eyes were cold.
“I said I hit you. When? Surely not when you were just five years old?”
“…”
“Right. It’s more horrific than I thought, what should I do.”
There was silence, but Lucía quickly found the answer.
Then she pondered deeply.
“To strike a child… I always thought I was the least suitable to be a parent, but the world is filled with more trash than I imagined.”