070. Self-awareness (2)
She was furious.
Lucía could assert that there was no state more fitting for her emotions than anger and powerlessness.
-It was careless and feeble. I wanted to mistake violence, resentment, self-righteousness, and blaming others as familial love.
Her mind went numb when violence was mentioned by Owen.
-To hit and confine, it was all my fault to harm my own people.
The moment those words followed.
Lucía felt as if the thread of reason had been abruptly severed.
-But what could a child possibly think? They say the parents are right. They say they are correct…
It was unforgivable to think that the author of one’s existence could commit such an act.
To suffocate with obesity, not even allowing proper breath.
How much did they push the child…
-It was inevitable, I just…
While having such thoughts, Owen cried.
He clung to her, pleading and shedding tears.
It was far from gratifying.
The person she longed for was at her feet, yet all she felt was intense anger and sadness.
“…Don’t cry.”
Ah, yes.
She was concerned about Owen.
He was pitiful, miserable, and wretched.
“Why are you crying? It’s your parents’ wrongdoing. How dare they…”
She felt tears streaming down her cheeks.
It was inevitable.
How could I… with this pitiful person.
“Don’t cry because of those who hurt you. Your tears are too precious.”
Lucía willingly knelt down to face him.
And she asked him.
“What did those people do to you? Owen, tell me.”
She was furious.
So angry, resentful of Owen’s parents.
She wanted to bring back the dead just to kill them again.
“Why…”
Owen’s voice trembled.
Perhaps he didn’t desire this.
I know.
Owen is excessively kind.
He may not realize it himself, but he is truly kind and gentle beyond measure.
“I have to seek revenge.”
“… They are already dead.”
“Even if it means paying with their lives, it’s the only way to settle the score.”
If she couldn’t bring them back, she was determined to make them pay even in death.
Lucía caressed Owen’s cheek and asked.
“I said I hit you. When? Surely not when you were just five years old?”
Owen fell silent.
Lucía easily understood the answer in that silence.
“Right. It’s more horrific than I thought, what should I do.”
They were despicable excuses for human beings.
To strike a five-year-old child.
Even if she was reported as a child abuser, she knew she had no power over a child.
That made her even more angry.
“To hit a child… I always thought I was the most unfit to be a parent, but there are more trashy people in the world than I thought.”
Lucia believed that the Duke of Edelt and the Duchess were unworthy of being parents.
Their household was not filled with family love but rather with distrust, resentment, and discomfort.
But the Duke and Duchess of Saint Verdine were worse.
Not only did they fail to show love to the child, but they also resorted to violence.
“Your father isn’t a good person either.”
As Owen was sharpening his words, Lucia replied.
“And neither is the Duchess of Edelt.”
“…Take care of yourself before worrying about me.”
Lucia liked Owen, who worried and cared for her.
Feeling loved, feeling cared for, that was what she liked.
But for some reason, she felt different today.
It felt like tears were welling up in her throat.
“No scars left?”
“I had a priest come and treat them.”
“…Thorough, I see.”
“They were wise in that regard.”
Owen, who had been breathing unsteadily earlier, was now calm again.
After she embraced him, he gradually calmed down, probably thanks to her body warmth.
“That’s not wisdom. It’s garbage.”
“…”
“Tell me. How much did it hurt you? How difficult was it, and how much did you endure?”
This person had been alone for a long time.
He must have endured even the toughest trauma so much that he could barely pass it off.
But memories resurfaced, and his body responded vividly.
He must have endured it, unable to do anything.
“You endured it quietly all this time?”
Owen had no answer.
Lucia felt sad that he could only remain silent.
“…I don’t like that you endure.”
There was a reason for doing only work.
Because working made her forget, made things not come to mind.
And considering his upbringing by his parents, they must have surely forced him.
It was like saying he had to become a perfect person, a lord, or a knight.
A person raised like that would only know how to fit themselves into a mold.
“If it’s hard, say it’s hard. If you’re hurt, say you’re hurt. Don’t endure it.”
Emotions continued to well up.
Lucia finally realized her unresolved emotions and appearance.
It was as Owen said.
“There are people by your side who want the best for you.”
She loved him.
A lot.
“You should have spoken to those who have been watching over you for a long time.”
“…It wasn’t necessary to that extent.”
“Don’t lie. Maybe you were afraid of causing worry. You were afraid to speak and be hurt.”
“…”
Lucia exhaled and looked intently at Owen.
His trembling black pupils were endlessly innocent.
“Listen, Owen.”
Lucia firmly held Owen’s hands and carefully chose her words.
“Don’t hide anything from me. Especially not because you don’t want to cause worry.”
“But…”
“I mean it. I don’t want you to be in pain or distress.”
Owen slowly nodded his head.
Although his rolling eyes weren’t very reassuring, Lucia continued speaking.
From Noble mtl dot com
“You said you wanted to believe in family love. You thought there might not be any love.”
“That’s true.”
“And now? Has your perspective changed a bit?”
In response to her question, Owen affirmed once again,
“I love you.”
As always, he was affectionate.
It was truly remarkable.
They said affection was something that came from within, so it was amazing that someone like him, who had received so little, could still bestow affection.
“And?”
“What?”
“That I love Owen.”
“Well….”
“I love you, Owen.”
His eyes trembled intensely.
Watching his face, filled with surprise, confusion, and happiness, Lucía smiled.
“So, please trust me. I won’t hurt you like others.”
Owen still couldn’t say a word, only his lips quivered.
Looking at him like that, Lucía whispered once more,
“I love you very much.”
“….”
He continued to gaze at her with trembling eyes.
He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words.
Lucía smiled warmly and embraced him tightly once again.
As she held him, the sound of his heart beating was audible.
Thump, thump.
Hearing the louder and faster beats than usual, Lucía repeated the same words in a different form,
“Sorry for making you wait so long. But it’s sincere. You know better than anyone.”
“…Lucía.”
Finally, Owen spoke, his voice slow, carrying her name.
“Yes, Owen.”
Responding to his call, she rested her head on his shoulder.
Embracing Lucía tightly, burying himself in her as if digging, Owen called her name again,
“Lucía….”
The long-drawn call felt like a lingering touch.
Lucía raised her hand and caressed his hair.
His hair, still slightly damp, felt cold.
“I love you.”
As she gently touched his hair for a while, he raised his head and said,
Their eyes met.
“Yes. I love you too.”
As he reciprocated the confession, his face twisted.
His expression of not knowing what to do was poignant.
Although he had wished for this moment more than anyone, he was someone who had never expected it.
Even though he had realized her feelings first, he seemed to cherish this moment like a fantasy.
“You seem to know why I liked worrying about you.”
Lucía took his hand and stood up.
She couldn’t keep sitting on the floor any longer.
As she stood up and pulled him up, Owen followed suit.
Lucía led him to the bed.
Both sat side by side at the edge of the bed.
“I realized that too. I unexpectedly empathize with others’ hardships, pain, and anger.”
“….”
Owen remained silent as he listened to her story.
He simply stared at her, completely absorbed in her words.
Despite his disbelief in this moment, his eagerness to not miss a single detail was palpable.
“Owen, I think I love you very much.”
Looking into his eyes, Lucía continued her story.
With a bright smile, she whispered once more that she loved him.
“I want to have your whole life. Even if I want that, and my love for you is more terrible than you imagine, is that okay?”
And what followed was a warning.
Because Lucía knew it herself.
Her love was different from his.
Owen’s love was like the sea, but Lucia’s love was like hellfire.
He gave a cherished and selfless love, while she loved to possess and consume.
“It’s not going to be terrible.”
Even though it was a question, he stated it firmly.
The lack of hesitation was remarkable.
“How can you be so sure? What if I were to confine you? What if I told you never to leave my sight for the rest of your life?”
She felt an urge to instill fear for no reason.
Perhaps she didn’t even realize that she wanted to see how far he could endure her.
“Look only at me and no one else. If I isolate you like that, what will you do?”
It was a cruel thing to say to someone who had been alone all their life.
While the rain continued outside, he remained shaken in the past.
Lucia realized anew that she was selfish and a bad person.
In the end, she found it somewhat amusing that her love took this form.
‘So even love is selfish.’
She was born and raised in Edelt.
Even if she shivered, she was still Edelt at heart.
“I’ll do anything you want.”
“…What does that mean right now?”
The returned answer was astonishing.
As she asked with a bitter smile, Owen laughed.
A smile in this situation was surprising.
An even more surprising answer came as he narrowed his eyes.
“You’ll stay by my side.”
“…”
“So it doesn’t matter, Lucia. Even if there’s no one else, as long as you’re here, I’ll be fine.”
Ah.
Lucia belatedly realized.
Owen loved her much more than she had ever thought.
In his world, she was the absolute, the savior, the dominator.
She had become his sole source of uniqueness in his lonely world.
No matter how much Lucia pushed and oppressed him, Owen would never leave her.
damn what a drama, i almost cry myself xd