Chapter 217. A Hazy Relationship (2)
I had a dream.
It was a dream of Eugene coming back.
I was happy all day long.
I had a dream.
It was a dream of Eugene being found dead.
That day, I canceled all my schedules and locked myself in my room, crying endlessly.
I had a dream.
I had another dream.
And then, another, and another, and another…
I couldn’t stop dreaming.
Someone told me to give up.
Someone else told me to wake up from my delusion.
But what can I do if I keep dreaming?
It’s not like I can control my dreams.
And what do you mean by not being happy and sad?
That’s just the way I am.
They were just funny noises.
So I just ignored them.
There was nothing I could do even if I listened, and it wasn’t like my daily life was being disrupted because I wasn’t listening.
Who cares if I’m locked up in my house and crying my eyes out?
All I have to do is do my job well.
It’s not like I’m crying like a manic-depressive outside, or crying because I miss Eugene.
I’m doing well…
There’s no problem.
Why do you keep telling me what to do?
I don’t understand.
“Eugene? Eugene?”
“……”
It’s a dream again.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had a dream of Eugene.
I was so happy that I stretched out my arms.
Then, Eugene was dragged into the bathtub with a thud.
“hehehe. It’s Eugene…”
“……”
Hug.
I’m trying to hug him tightly, but I don’t have much strength because it’s a dream.
I’m afraid that Eugene will disappear if I do this, so I hug him even tighter.
But my arms and legs were like they were in water, and I couldn’t move them as I wanted.
“I missed you. I missed you. Why did you come so late?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. No. I’m sorry. I’m so late… I should have come to get you. I should have come to get you out…”
That day.
In the collapsing dungeon, what was Eugene thinking?
Did he resent me at that last moment?
I don’t want to be hated.
I don’t care if everyone in the world hates me, points fingers at me, and curses me.
I’m satisfied if Eugene is the only one who stays by my side.
I didn’t ask for much.
I’m really fine with that…
I just need Eugene…
Why did you take Eugene away from me?
“I didn’t know it would turn out like this… I really didn’t know…”
I’m being punished for my mistake at that time.
I was punished for being greedy and not being satisfied with Eugene being by my side.
I’m still being punished for saying such harsh words to my only friend in the world, the person I care about the most.
If I could go back, I wouldn’t do it again.
I would live my life being satisfied with what I was given.
I would know how much of a blessing it is to have Eugene by my side…”Ugh, ughhh… Eugene… If you’re alive, tell me you’re alive… Why… Why on earth… did you disappear without leaving a body behind… Why give me hope… Why make it so hard for me…”
I know.
I know that the more I cling on, the harder it gets.
It’s much better to forget halfway, get back on my feet, and live on.
Yerina is doing that, and Julia is… well… is she better than me?
Anyway, everyone is doing that.
But I can’t do it.
Just thinking that Eugene might be dead makes my chest tighten and my vision go black.
Everything in the world turns black and white, and the sensation in my fingertips disappears.
The meaning of life disappears, and my head is filled with thoughts of wanting to die soon.
How can I stop it?
I know I’m being foolish and stupid…
But what can I do when this is the only way I can live?
I cry and laugh at Eugene in every dream, and I have ridiculous delusions that barely keep me from wanting to die… What do you want me to do…
“Eugene…”
“Yeah.”
“Am I pathetic?”
“You’re pathetic. Why are you pathetic?”
“Well… I should be moving forward, but I keep getting caught up in the past… I’m clinging to something that can’t be helped now…”
“…”
Of course, Eugene doesn’t say anything.
Eugene in my dreams is always quiet.
He just hugs me, caresses me, and repeats gentle, loving words.
I asked for nothing.
I buried my nose in Eugene’s scent-filled arms and inhaled and exhaled, going “sniff, haaa.”
Today, it smells real.
Real… sniff… Eugene… haa… sniff…
“Huh…?”
When I tried to look up, thinking that something felt and smelled so real,
A large hand covered my eyes and forced my head down again.
I thought, “Oh, it’s a dream,” and was about to bury my face in Eugene’s chest again.
“Who says you’re pathetic? No one thinks that. If there is, it’s because they don’t know you well.”
“…”
A voice whispered in my ear with a warm breath.
It’s a voice that makes me feel at ease.
Eugene, who is always silent, is murmuring something for the first time…
It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up from the dream.
I decided not to raise my head again.
I decided not to reach out any further.
I felt like if I did, Eugene would disappear and I would wake up from this dream…
“If you’re foolish, you’re foolish, and if you’re persistent, you’re persistent. How many people have you saved because of your persistence? If it weren’t for your stubbornness in Cologne, you wouldn’t have noticed what was going on in the basement until the end.”
“hehehe…”
“And what’s wrong with being stuck in the past? What’s wrong with regretting? Being able to regret means that there’s room to turn back.”
“No. No… Even if I regret-“
“Being able to regret is a good thing. You can’t even regret something that has ended without room to turn back.”
“…”
Sniff.For some reason, it felt like his embrace had grown stronger.
Eugene’s voice seemed to be filled with an inexplicable sadness.
“If you’re worried, just remember this one thing. The one I love is the pitiful, past-obsessed, regret-filled Jill Dyner. Even if you hate yourself, I will love you like that until the end. I fell deeply for that kind of you.”
“Ah······.”
This. Is it a dream?
My eyes widen in shock.
Suddenly, I feel choked up and my heart aches as I hear words I never imagined I’d hear from a puppet in a dream.
The hand that caresses my head.
And the thick biceps that press hard against my lower back.
It’s all Eugene.
It’s Eugene······ It’s so much like Eugene.
Eugene, not blurry or vague, but clear.
“Eugene······?”
I can’t stand it anymore.
I have to see his face.
I have to reach out.
I have to confirm that this is a dream.
I slip out of his arms and reach up.
I feel Eugene’s face.
And, with my eyes closed, I bring my face close enough to feel his breath.
The moment I push my slightly parted lips forward.
“Saintess. Are you there?”
“Gasp······!”
I open my eyes in surprise at the sound of someone knocking on the door.
At that moment, Eugene, who had been holding me, disappears, and I sink into the bathtub.
I sit up in shock and look around, but there is no one else in the large bathroom but me.
“Haah······.”
I must have fallen asleep while taking a bath because I was so tired.
Look at my mind.
“I’m sorry to bother you during your break, but I’m here to report that contact with the airship fleet has been lost.”
“Yes. Thank you. I’ll go to the control tower right away.”
I run my hand through my hair and catch my breath.
Why am I so out of breath after waking up?
I calm my startled heart for some reason and slip out of the bathtub.
I must have been in there for quite a while because the water was lukewarm, if not cold.
“······.”
The dagger I gave Eugene.
The dagger that he had thrown away on his own, then stolen back, and then left behind again, caught my eye.
That dagger.
It was stuck in the floor.
As if someone had stabbed it in hard.
“Ugh······!”
I had to use all my strength to pull the dagger out of the floor tiles.
What? Did I stab it in my sleep?
I wouldn’t have been able to stab it this deep with my own strength······.
I only felt strange for a moment.
I thought of the aides who would be waiting for me and hurriedly began to prepare to go out.
On the surface, it may seem like I and the military commander are not a good match, but it was a grave responsibility that only I could fulfill.
After all, it’s an army made up of various forces from all over the world, so who else could lead it but me?
If someone from Gallia were in charge, there would be talk, and if someone from Palana were in charge, there would be resentment, and if someone from the Holy Kingdom were in charge, there would be many who would not follow.
Only I, the Saintess, who is treated equally by everyone in the world, can do it.
The responsibility is enormous, and the weight of each decision is great.
That’s why I always felt a heavy burden whenever I stepped forward as a commander.Every time I had to suppress my weak self and act as a charismatic and strong saintess, I would tremble.
Strangely, I’m not that scared today.
My hands, which are putting on the conquest, do not hesitate.
Why? What’s different today?
“Heh heh······.”
I realized.
I finished combing my hair and stood up.
When I looked in the mirror, there was a smile on my lips.
It wasn’t a forced smile like the one I always put on before going out, but a natural and gentle smile.
“I won’t give up.”
Is it because of the dream I just had?
I felt like my dwindling hope had been recharged.
I’m tired of waiting indefinitely.
I’m tired of just crying and laughing alone.
Now it’s my turn to go find Eugene.
You say there’s no chance?
You say there’s no clue where Eugene disappeared to?
So what?
Eugene has always been swimming in this sea of uncertainty.
He has always taken steps and paved the way, even when he didn’t know anything and nothing was certain.
“Magic Sword, no, make an appointment for the Great Demon interrogation. I have something to check too. And bring the broken stele. I need to see the cross-section.”
This time, it’s my turn to go find Eugene.
It’s time to catch Eugene, who is lost and adrift in the sea.
I will save Eugene, who loves me like this, in my own way.