22. Beyond good and evil (5)
“Give me an answer… . please… .”
Helena rushed at me and grabbed me and said as if pleading.
I was expecting
That this kind of trouble would be.
I’m a little sorry for Helena, but I waited for my time knowingly.
Because this is not a problem that I can easily solve.
Also, I don’t believe in God.
As an atheist, it was impossible for me, a priest and priest, to approach her and ask about her faith first, and then give her an answer.
Still, I couldn’t wait too long, so I tried to speak slowly.
I didn’t know that it would turn out this way with this incident.
A priest who no longer believes in God makes this expression.
I feel sorry.
“First, calm down.”
It’s pitiful, but you can’t even treat me emotionally.
I grabbed Helena by the shoulder and carefully pulled it off.
“Sit down. I won’t go anywhere even if I don’t hold onto it so tightly.”
Her fingers got caught in my clothes and fell hard.
“Yes… . sorry… .”
Helena sat down in a chair.
We faced each other with a desk between us.
Helena’s eyes flickered in confusion.
Still looking straight at me.
“Mine must be confusing.”
Helena nodded and said with difficulty.
“Actually, my faith has been shaken since I was at Magdalen Abbey… . Still, I was able to bear it somehow. But now… .”
Silent, she lowered her head.
“Hmm… .”
I pondered for a while.
I have to give any answer, but it’s a difficult topic to talk about easily.
There is no knowledge to discourse on the existence of God.
I am neither a theologian nor a philosopher.
As for theology, Helena, trained as a priest, would be more knowledgeable.
So, all I can give you is my opinion based on my personal experience.
At the same time, that would be completely against the common sense she knew.
“First of all, I don’t believe in God.”
“Yes… ?”
“I know this is not something to say in front of priest Helena, but it is true.”
Even if they are not priests, most of the people here believe in the God of Seonghwagyo.
Everyone’s level of faith is different.
Even if you don’t go to church, you believe in the existence of God.
Seonghwagyo is not alone.
Its power is very small and weak, but there are few folk beliefs, but they exist.
Seonghwagyo suppressed heretics extensively, but they did not completely disappear.
It is a rare case where I do not believe in the existence of God at all.
“Yes… Are you?”
“Yes. But, I have my own reasons.”
Disbelief in God is not the only reason I am going to tell you about.
However, it is also true that this reason accounts for quite a bit of weight.
“Helena. ‘Miracle’ can only be used by those who have been chosen as ‘priests’ among superhumans. Right?”
“That’s right.”
“And generally, it is known that the stronger the faith, the stronger the miracle.”
“Yes.”
Helena still prays quite often and for a long time.
It is said that he prayed often when he was at Magdalen Abbey.
I feel like my weakness is because of my lack of faith.
It must have been because he believed that it would get better if he filled his faith with more sincere prayer.
Unfortunately.
“Actually, it is not.”
Her thoughts, as well as common sense, were wrong.
“Yes… ?”
Maybe it’s a natural thing to say.
Faith is something that must come from the heart, but praying a little won’t fill your faith.
“According to common sense, Arya’s faith should be stronger and more faithful than anyone else’s.”
“Yes. That’s natural… .”
Helena kept her mouth shut.
She now knows what kind of person Arya is, albeit vaguely.
I learned that I was Philip, who was kicked out by Arya, and I watched the trial process.
More than anything else, is there any other reason for me to suddenly bring up Arya’s name at this point?
“no way… .”
“Yes. Arya is not very sincere.”
Like Vivian, Helena envyed Arya and became a hero.
The illusion may have already been cracked, but it will be broken altogether.
“Aria-sama… .”
Although she is called ‘the incarnation of the Holy Mother’ in the world.
The reality is different.
“It’s not like I don’t believe in God. However, considering that he is a Seonghwagyo believer, it is rather disrespectful.”
She was an indolent troublemaker at Agnes Monastery.
It hasn’t changed much even though I’ve been traveling with them.
When I was in a monastery, the compulsory copying of the Bible would be almost all of my religious life.
Since leaving the monastery, I have not prayed at all.
“And there is another character who defies common sense.”
Helena looked at me blankly.
He seemed to be worried that the name of a religious person would come up again.
Fortunately, that’s not the case.
“An acquaintance of mine who is difficult to reveal his personal details… is only As a wizard, he can use miracles.”
“Yes… ?”
“Of course, it wasn’t possible from the beginning. As a mage, she studied miracles and succeeded in manifesting them.”
“… … .”
“So, what I want to say is… . It is possible that there is no such thing as God. I know it’s not easy to accept that.”
For her, as a priest, to accept that possibility is practically the same as giving up her faith.
I had to say it anyway.
All I could say was the harsh reality.
Helena folded her hands neatly on the desk and was silent for a while.
without even moving.
The answer she wants from me is probably not just for the material reasons mentioned above.
I waited a moment and added a few words.
“Even if there is no God, I don’t want to deny religion. When Helena was at the monastery, she often went out on volunteer work.”
“Yes… .”
“The Empire is recording an unprecedented golden age, but not everyone enjoys its privileges. Somewhere, a child without a piece of bread to eat today will suffer from hunger, and a refugee will shiver in the cold because there is no place to lie down. Isn’t it the Seonghwagyo’s job to take care of those who are crouching in the shadows?”
Although Bertolt showed the negative side of Seonghwagyo, that was Bertolt’s personal problem.
Because he knew a religious person like Bertolt’s class teacher who was kind and faithful even though he was the same parishioner.
Central South Parish, Esther.
Although he has a strong influence comparable to that of a cardinal, who is just below Seonghwang, he is a person who never corrupts or shakes.
Paradoxically, he was able to have that much influence because he was so transparent.
“Although there may be no god, even if there is no absolute standard of good and evil in the world, Helena’s good deeds and service are not meaningless. It was also thanks to Helena that Galatea was able to give birth safely.”
Come to think of it, it was before I knew Mine’s past.
How did Helena help Galatea give birth?
“In the Bible, fire made the world day and night. All beings in that world have day and night as well. From some angles, you’ll see the object’s day, and from other angles, you’ll see its night. Or, there may be a perspective that allows you to see day and night at the same time.”
The standard of absolute good and evil.
The time has passed for me to think about that.
I’ve seen powerless justice crumble without a look.
I saw that the justice established by force was intoxicated by that power and changed.
I have also seen that ruthless and devastating evil deeds become good as a result.
finally.
“There are no absolutes in this world. At least, I think so.”
That’s the conclusion I made after going through the world.
“… … .”
Helena listened calmly to what I had to say.
More at noblemtl com
Just like the position with both hands folded.
After a long silence, her lips parted.
“Ian-sama… . What do you believe in?”
It won’t be about religion.
Everyone needs a place to blindly trust or lean on when they are having a hard time and suffering.
To religious people, that’s just God.
“Nobody believes me.”
I don’t have that target.
This is a different matter than trusting the heroes including Helena who follow me.
Although I believe in them, I lean on them for my long-cherished wish, but I cannot compare them to gods or religions.
it is dependent
Faith resembles dependence rather than trust.
“However.”
Still, in this situation, I can’t end my talk here.
It’s not like it doesn’t exist at all.
“If I have to choose, I believe in myself.”
“Yourself… .”
“Well, I’m not very trustworthy either. We know that humans are masters of self-justification. Still, wouldn’t it be easier for you to understand yourself than for others?”
Helena heard my answer and fell silent again.
Perhaps he was worried, his hand on the desk twitched from time to time.
The eyes that had been rolling around busily as if anxious were gradually calming down.
There was a sense of loneliness left, but he didn’t look as confused as before.
“me too… .”
Opening her mouth slowly, she lifted the desk with one hand and set it aside.
… It was strong.
“I will too.”
Does that mean that Helena will also believe in herself?
I’m doing it because it’s comfortable for me, but I also wonder if it’s okay for her as a priest.
I came this far, and I wonder what it has to do with it.
But why did you clean the desk?
“so.”
Helena pulled a chair and came closer to me.
within reach of the knees
My right hand was caught by both of her hands and dragged.
“Wait a minute, lend me a hand… .”
I didn’t know what to do, but I nodded.
“thank you… .”
Helena lifted my hand with both hands and placed it on her forehead.
The weight of the small head was conveyed.
“… … .”
He rested his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands together in a prayer posture.
My hand was held between the clasped hands, and her forehead was touching mine.
Helena stayed still for quite some time.
I’ve never seen her pray in person.
Mercy and Vivian, who were living together, only told me.
‘Even the people who see it become pious on their own, and they say it feels like they’re feeling religious for no reason.’
I think I know why you wrote that expression.
Helena held her breath and remained motionless in that prayerful posture.
All I could do was slowly move my body to breathe.
I even heard the illusion that it was emitting a soft light.
I don’t know why she did it with my hand, but I watched her while waiting until she finished praying.
‘He’s put on quite a bit of weight.’
Seeing Helena like this is new and it’s been a while.
When I first brought him, I didn’t recognize him because of his round face.
that it is very dry
Now I can tell just by the feel of the hand holding my hand.
His calluses were worn from holding and wielding the mace, but his palms were soft and pliable.
The sleeves, which were slightly rolled up as he raised his hands, shyly showed his wrists.
In the past, only the bones were skinny, but not now.
The attitude of clothes has changed from before.
‘When I first brought it, I was secretly squeamish.’
Finally she opened her eyes.
The orange eyes were more moist than before, but it didn’t seem like it was because of sadness.
I felt the afterglow wet with deep emotion.
It’s a different atmosphere than usual, so I watch carefully.
It is a contrast to the usual Helena, who is a bit clumsy and a little stiff but confident.
I look down at my hand with my eyes wide open.
Every time I blinked, my long eyelashes moved.
A faint but satisfied smile hangs over her round face, which has not yet lost its breast meat.
“… thank you.”
She muttered like that.
-side.
Suddenly, he kissed the back of my hand.
“yes… ?”
“… uh?”
Her eyes, which had been filled with calm satisfaction, gradually opened wide, and were soon stained with astonishment.