I Was Sick of Loving You chapter 84

84 – wait

The fantasy-made girl dies, and the time has come to let her go.

That fact rips me apart.

Even though I know that all of this is an illusion, even though I know that it is a created emotion, the pain does not lighten. Rather, it becomes clearer as time goes by.

The fact that this pain was hers and the children’s tears in front of her corpse make the pain terribly clear.

I walk through the pain

I head to the place to say goodbye, holding the body of her dead body.

The road is too heavy and painful.

Still, he doesn’t stop walking. because she wanted it

In order to fulfill her will, we arrived at the desolate garden.

Everyone in the castle was gathered in the garden.

The faces of the gathered people were filled with darkness.

The sight reminded me of an old dream.

A dream that was engulfed in yellow flames and burned.

The sight of that dream and the sight of this place are very similar.

Realizing that, I realized that it wasn’t just a dream.

Realized that, but nothing changed.

It doesn’t make any sense because it doesn’t relieve the pain.

The memories that came up in the midst of the full pain went down to the surface again.

That’s how the memory sank, and she left my arms.

No, I sent them away.

He laid her down in a coffin.

I just put down the body with no warmth left, but my arms are empty.

It’s empty, and it’s cold to the point of being cold.

While feeling such emptiness and cold, the priest began to recite a prayer.

The sound is annoying.

It bothers me because it clearly reminds me of her death.

The annoyance soon went away.

In the form of being eaten up by more terrible and heavy emotions.

Yellow flames rose from the coffin holding her.

that’s what she wanted

It was what I was hoping for.

I didn’t want to leave my old and sick body behind.

I didn’t want to show this to her and the children.

Because it was a life that did not achieve anything, I hoped that my pitiful body would become food for flowers that would bloom brightly.

So I asked him to burn it and sprinkle it with bone meal.

I left a will hoping that would happen, but seeing it in her shoes is so cruel.

It’s so brutal that you can’t breathe.

The fact that not a single trace of her remains,

The fact that I had to watch the process with my own eyes,

It’s so painful.

My will was so cruel. My wish has been a pain to her.

I died and left her only pain.

That fact was eating me up and driving me crazy.

My sanity was eaten away, and I headed towards the flames as if possessed.

To keep her from burning, to keep her from dying, I turned to the fire.

When I moved to do that, the children grabbed me.

The children looked at me with wet eyes.

Only then did the reason that had gone mad come back a little.

The thoughts that came back to me were sorry and pitiful.

I’m sorry for passing on this damn curse and suffering.

I feel sorry for the children who will live in the aftermath of the curse.

This must be what she was thinking.

Even thinking like this is painful.

It was so painful and pitiful that it was too much for her to handle alone, so she hugged the children.

Then the sad cries of the children came in again.

That sound breaks the heart.

The heart that was cut out flowed out of the eyes.

So the cries grew louder and filled the garden.

It hurts.

The pain-filled sound continued for a long time, and the flames died down.

The last traces of her were put in a small jar and returned to my arms.

Its weight is light, it hurts because it is so light.

Even that lightness must be let go.

Even the last handful left must be let go.

just like she wanted me to

He held her in his hands with trembling hands.

hot. warm light.

It’s painful.

Even that sadness, along with the blowing wind, left my hands.

I reached out to grab it, but even the traces left were gone.

It is futile.

It’s frustrating and it’s painful because it’s empty again.

In the midst of such pain, I looked at the place where the wind that embraced her had left.

Until the end of the day, I let her go like that.

With my heart unable to let go.

After such a futile and painful day, the emptiness came along with the pain.

In that void, I followed her trail.

The more I followed the traces, the greater the emptiness and pain.

Still, I couldn’t quit.

I was drinking by the time my heart was in tatters.

I don’t remember when I started drinking it or how I started drinking it.

As much as the time just disappeared, it was comforting that the pain of that time was gone.

Even so, I am pathetic for thinking like that.

I put the bottle in my hand and went back to my office.

The number engraved on the floor of the office has changed.

[29-11-29]

The numbers are disappointing.

Even though only two days have passed, how can I endure 30 years when it is so painful?

Nonetheless, you must persevere.

In order to break the damn curse, to bring back happy times, not to see her sad, not to pass the curse on to the children, you have to be butter.

Even if you can’t endure it, you must endure it. Even if I’m broken, even if I’m broken, I have to endure. We have to endure.

I think so, but even at this moment, I am being worn away by the pain that eats me up.

Every moment, the torn heart is already tattered and wants to collapse. want to give up It wants to be bent and broken. I want some goddamn serenity.

Because I couldn’t listen to the cry of the heart, I ignored the cry.

I spent every day like that.

Thinking of the memories I had with her, thinking of the children who would come back, I spent each day biting my teeth.

I squeezed everything out like that and endured, but the time didn’t go by enough to be painful.

[29-11-01]

Only a month had passed since she died.

By the way, my heart is almost worn out.

It was worn out to the extent that it could not bear to dwell on the memories.

My heart ran wild, and my eyes kept turning to the dagger.

The letters flicker with him.

[If you want to give up, stab the back of your hand with a knife. If so, the pain your partner endured will disappear and you will feel comfortable.]

I shouldn’t be tempted by it, but it keeps flickering… My heart is getting more and more inclined.

I remembered her and held on to that feeling.

I thought of the girl I loved, the girl who loved me, and the girl who lived in such a terrible world.

Only then did the shaking in my heart stop. But I know that even this moment won’t last long.

I do this every day, so I know it.

I let out a sigh at the thought.

A sigh dissipated, and an empty laugh flowed out as the memory of the past came to mind.

I laughed and muttered what I had told her.

“It hurts because I love you…”

The life of loving her was so painful.

It was painful to live a life stained with unrequited love.

However, it wasn’t as painful as it is now.

So the laughter came out.

“You talked nonsense to her, who must have suffered the most.”

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Life was painful and difficult, but looking back, there were many happy moments.

There were many days when the winter wind had stopped and the warm sun was shining.

My life was like that, but her life I was experiencing was not like that.

A faded world where everything is worthless. She lived in such a world.

The only stimulation I felt in such a world was intrusiveness.

I had to live without even knowing that the nuisance was love.

The love that wore the mask of intrusiveness left, and love became a curse.

Every action became a pain. Every moment was soaked with regret.

All words came back as sharp spears.

Such pain ensnares life and does not end until death.

That is the word of curse, the death of love that could have been reached but could not be reached.

that’s damned

It’s so cursed that I feel ridiculous, having suffered from the agony of unrequited love.

That’s why the laughter came out.

Thinking of myself as a fool, I laughed and whipped at my crumbling heart.

Even if you whip it, it doesn’t mean that your already tilted mind will come back.

Nor does the pain go away.

Still, he continued to whip.

Even if there is no meaning, even if nothing changes, I have to do that.

I can’t give her a cursed world again after living in such a cursed world.

So whip the weak me

Even if it breaks and breaks me, I won’t stop.

That is my heart to give to her, life and the duty of a husband and wife.

So I will endure this terrible world.

I can clearly see my worn out and broken self at the end, but that’s okay.

Even if it is broken and broken, she will help. she will hold on

I believe it will.

As written in Armis’ revelation to trust your partner,

As Kiann advised to rely on his companion in difficult times,

I trust her according to my heart’s lead.

So take on her life and wait for the end.

I wait for her who may be carrying my life as a sinful karma.

Thinking so, I grabbed my sinking heart.