19 – Tell me how far I went
The streets were already dark.
The playground has been our space ever since we were young.
It was winter. December 31st.
It was unusually cold, and the snow was unusually beautiful.
From noble mtl dot com
I still remember that day.
I still can’t forget that day.
『You will always be by my side, right?』
What kind of feelings should I have given to you, who showed me an infinitely unfamiliar smile?
What should I have said to you as you sat on the swing and swayed helplessly?
What on earth did I do to you who whispered softly like a candle that was about to go out?
『———.』
I don’t think the choice at that time was wrong.
I did my best for everything else.
From that day on, we tried our best so that we could be ourselves again.
So, now that I am receiving your heart.
“…… Sorry. “I can’t do that yet, Chaewon.”
I feel like something in me is falling apart.
+++
“I’ll go now.”
“Let’s meet, let’s meet.” Right Now.”
+++
As soon as I left the house, I couldn’t help but sigh when I saw a Cadillac.
Something unexpected happened.
“… Han Chae-won.”
“Get in.”
You roll down the window and look at me.
He hung up the phone after asking to meet up, and in less than 40 minutes he came to where I live.
I understand the reason for doing this, but……
“… “Why on earth did you come?”
There was no sympathy.
“I want to talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“There’s no way it doesn’t exist.”
A firm voice. I, too, will try to say something just as firmly, but……
“Han Chae-won, I have nothing to say to you———.”
“I like it.”
“———.”
” … Still have nothing to say?”
Unlike his low voice, his resolute eyes do not back down in the slightest.
I close my eyes tightly and lower my head.
We must go out strong.
You must not be swayed any longer.
The current situation clearly shows that I am in control———.
“…… Ha.”
Is it a habit, or is it a regret?
Take a deep breath. About three times. Only then does he slowly raise his head, look at you, and answer softly.
“… I’ll just grab my clothes and come out. Wait.”
Why is it so difficult to be firm with you even at this moment?
+++
The car is speeding along an empty highway. The only sound that can be heard is the wind blowing through the early morning air.
Where are you going at this time? What on earth are you trying to say by going all this way?
There were many things we could have said, but we said nothing.
You just stepped on the accelerator and drove down the empty highway, and I turned my body at an angle and looked out the window.
However, even when I looked outside, the sight of your face reflected in the window kept lingering in my mind, and the night view of Seoul did not enter my eyes.
Until the last moment when I entered the parking lot of a secluded place I didn’t know.
“We have arrived.”
Look outside to see where this is.
“It’s King Ui. “It’s a place called Baekun Lake.”
You read my intention and calmly tell me, loosening your belt.
Uiwang, Baekun Lake. Mutter the same thing
“Let’s get off.”
You turn off the car engine and open the car door.
When I was dragged to a place I didn’t even know, the question “Why did you come all the way here” Came out right away……
“I don’t think I need a hat or mask, right?”
From the moment I said I would get in the car, I was prepared for this situation to happen, and it was something I had to endure.
I asked you while putting on my hat.
“It’s okay. As I go back and forth, I know that there is no one around at this time. “Just put the hood on.”
You completely got out of the car, carrying the thermos you had brought with you.
I also had nothing more to say.
+++
It was a wonderfully created lake park that was very pretty for a walk, especially to see the night view.
But as Chaewon said, from the moment we entered the park from the parking lot, we didn’t see a single person.
Thanks to you, you don’t have to worry about people around you……
“… ….”
“… ….”
A subtle war of nerves.
Even now, 10 minutes later, we are still walking through the park without saying a word.
…… Frustrated.
You are the one who came to pick me up, the one who said you would talk to me, and even the one who brought me here.
But instead of saying a word, you just walk without even looking at me.
Rather, it became a nuance of me walking two steps quickly and chasing after you.
Is this the distance and attitude of the person asking to talk?
Stop walking and stand.
If this is going to happen, let’s go back, I slowly opened my lips to say that.
“Since when did you like me?”
But you spoke up faster than that.
Good, what does that mean?
Waves tremble in my calm mind. I could almost feel that he was making an expression of disbelief.
“…… What?”
“I just don’t understand. “What is our problem?”
You stopped walking.
He turned around to look at me and met my eyes without any hesitation.
I couldn’t find any emotion on your face as you discussed the issue.
“Do you really want to be friends with me…?” ?”
There were so few of them that I could clearly tell. Right now, you are on the verge of exploding emotionally.
A trembling voice. You swallow and continue speaking slowly.
“Hey, Kang Yu-min. “Is that really true?”
“… It’s been 15 years. “Now, even if I said I liked you, there’s no way I would suddenly have feelings for you———.”
“You like it.”
“… ….”
“You like me too. Yumin.”
My voice shook when I said I liked it.
The expression on his face changed the second time he said I liked him.
Your eyes tremble little by little.
You try your best to meet my eyes, but your gaze keeps falling down.
“If you don’t like me, I’d rather give up. However… ….”
Nevertheless. Kkuyeok kkuyeok.
You try your best to look me in the eyes.
“But, you like me too.”
It was only after I said I liked him three times that I realized.
Ah, you noticed it too.
Your voice shakes, your expression becomes sad, and it becomes difficult to make eye contact……
You also know my heart.
“…… “Why do you think that?”
But even if we knew, what can we do now?
“Because I watched the vlog.”
What on earth are you trying to do to me who has stopped?
“The way you look at me, the voice that calls you, and the way you treat me. “Because I saw everything.”
You smile faintly.
The corners of my mouth tremble and I force a smile.
It was clear to my eyes that the meaning of that smile was to hold back tears.
Your eyes haven’t closed for several seconds already.
“… Did I tell you? “Why do you like it?”
“…… Han Chae-won.”
“You are so kind. It’s to the point where I wonder if I’ll get caught later if I keep doing this…. “Ah, is that why you were able to stay by my side until now?”
The lighting surrounding the entire trail gradually changes from red to purple.
You turn your back and start walking once again.
I had no choice but to follow you.
“Looking back, I was the problem. “Because you were proud, and I was a tomboy.”
“… ….”
“I was the one to make jokes for no particular reason, and I was the one to sulk for strange reasons. But, you always accepted me.”
“… ….”
“I like you because you are kind. “You are the only one who accepts me like this.”
“That’s because you haven’t met other people———.”
“My mom says that too. “There is no other girl like you in the world, so I tell you to marry me no matter what.”
Walk. I keep walking and walking endlessly, but this distance never gets shorter.
“Secondly, you are very meticulous. Huh. Very considerate. “I often lose or forget things, but when you take care of me, miraculously, I never lose or forget anything.”
I try to sound bright somehow.
You can stop now. I want to say that nothing will change no matter what, but I can’t bring myself to say it.
“It worked out well the third time. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s really crazy when we don’t get along, but seeing as you’ve never been hurt by each other, I think there’s no one you get along with as well as you. I don’t know if this is because you tailored it to me, but…… “
Above an arch bridge covered in pure white lighting.
In the middle of it all, you stopped walking again.
“And you. “You’re really handsome.”
Tears were already flowing down your face after seeing you for the first time in such a long time.
My breath stopped.
I clenched my fists and refused to walk towards you.
“… 15 Years. I don’t know. Did I start liking you from the day I confessed to you, or did I like you even before that? “Honestly, I don’t know.”
“…… “
“But still. “I knew that one thing.”
You lower your head.
I could see your hands shaking as you held the thermos, and I could see you trying to catch your breath in an effort to keep your voice calm.
“Am I late, Min?”
Although you have already shed as many tears as you want, you are still trying to smile.
“I had so many reasons to like you for 15 years, but now that I’m confessing it, it’s too late.”
I was too late———.
The heartfelt murmurs sink to the bottom of the lake in vain and rise above the night sky.
As if it was really nothing.
It’s like it’s really ugly.
Your unanswered words were buried in silence and disappeared in an instant.
“…… Perhaps. “Maybe I was too fast.”
I take a deep breath and lower my head.
“I believe that someday you will recognize me. But I can’t show any signs, so I just know how to wait. Even so, I have the confidence that I can wait.”
I bring out the feelings that were buried deep in my heart.
“I waited as I wanted, and I got tired as I wanted. “The time I spent learning that I couldn’t be by your side was overwhelming.”
Exhaling with difficulty, she somehow frees her main neck.
“Because the time was so overwhelming, it was difficult for you and I to just be together…. “Every day was an effort for me to somehow remain as us.”
Hesitantly, I take another deep breath.
Why? Strangely, a smile spreads across her face.
“I’m not blaming you. “It’s not even a complaint.”
“… ….”
“Because I still like you. So, I’m still by your side now. Sincerely.”
Tteumuntteumun. Even at the moment when she speaks, focusing on her words, and even after she has finished speaking with such difficulty, I think over the meaning several times.
Do these words and sentences fully express my feelings?
Am I properly conveying the feelings I want to convey?
“… Just. “It was just like that.”
Then I realized that I had nothing more to say.
That’s how I realize the meaning of this smile.
“Chaewon. We just didn’t have the right timing.”
I, too, am holding back tears———.
“Where are you?”
“———.”
“Tell me where you went.”
Warmth spreads.
The expression becomes distorted.
Tears are falling.
“I’m going. I will somehow follow you to where you went…….”
You are holding me.
“I can’t be friends with you anymore. Min-ah.”
Dangerous———.
“…… “Let go of this.”
“I can’t let go. “Why are you asking me to let it go?”
“This is how you and I can connect———.”
“Letting go doesn’t mean we can become friends.”
From noble mtl dot com
You bury your face further in my arms.
I try to push you harder, but the more I push, the more the arms that embrace me tighten with all their might.
He said he would never let go and was more desperate than ever.
I applied so much strength that I could feel my arms shaking……
“I can’t let go. I can’t let go… !”
Eagerly.
“…… Chaewon.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I understand, so let me go.”
“I don’t like it… !”
“Letting go doesn’t mean I’m running away.”
“He’s the kind of guy who can do that.”
“… It’s in the middle of Uiwang. How can I escape from here? If you keep pushing hard like that, it will be difficult later———.
“It’s because of those words.”
“———.”
“Even during this time, you are thinking of me.”
A struggle that slowly fades away.
The arms that held me began to lose strength little by little, and then you let go of me.
You take a step back.
I look at you like that.
You also look at me.
“… Look. “I feel so relieved because I stopped playing with my childhood friend.”
You smiled at me softly.
“Minah.”
“…… Huh.”
“Do you want to remain friends with me?”
A voice that cannot escape from the throat.
I nod quietly.
“… However. “You don’t want to be friends with me.”
I ask you, even in a low voice.
“Yes. “I don’t want to be friends.”
You answered with a smile.
It was a bright smile that you would never have thought of as a crying child.
“… What should I do with this? I can’t find the answer….”
When I saw that smile, laughter came out without me knowing, and I turned to look at the lake in embarrassment.
A calm wind blows.
It was only then that I could capture the night view of the lake right next to me.
“… ….”
“… ….”
I looked at the scenery in silence for a while.
We were both embarrassed that we had been crying and laughing just a moment ago, and we couldn’t find anything to say to ease it.
Just occasionally drinking the cocoa you gave me, you and I made this time memorable.
“… Min-ah.”
You were the one who broke the short silence.
“Yes.”
“Remember that? “We really had a fight over whether pineapple pizza was delicious or not?”
I remember it, but why do I suddenly bring up stories from elementary school?
“We had a huge fight for a month because of that.”
“In the end, he accepted my advice that pineapple pizza is delicious.”
“… Is that a blessing? “I got used to it because you kept feeding me.”
“Anyway, I’m enjoying it now. “Then it’s done, isn’t it?”
You shrug your shoulders and smile softly.
“———Let’s make a bet, let’s.”
The main topic came to me without any hesitation.
“… Bet?”
“If I go back like this, I will run into trouble again for the same reason. In that case, wouldn’t it be better to decide clearly through a bet?”
We decided this often.
Your smile looked lonely when you said that.
“Half a year. “It’s half a year from now.”
“… ….”
“It sounds good, it’s half a year. Actually, we’ll be training camp starting in October to prepare for the world tour, and to be honest, we’ll be getting busier starting in September.”
“… In fact, it’s been 3 months?”
“Should we add a little more and call it a 100-day miracle?”
You turn your head and look at me.
I avoided those eyes and kept looking towards the lake.
“If I decide to date you in the meantime, will you win?”
“On the other hand, if you like someone else or don’t like me, you win…. “I don’t know if it’s right to say I won this, but anyway.”
You chuckle and sip your cocoa.
It may have become lukewarm now and not so delicious, but you were still drinking your cocoa with a cheerful expression.
“Nineteen, then.”
In an instant, sadness appeared on his face.
“I know why you’re pushing me away.”
“… ….”
“I know. Now I realize how much it hurts you that I like. But the human heart is so treacherous that even though I know I’m hurting you, I can’t give up.”
I like you, and even more so because I realized that you liked me———.
You slightly lower your head and smile weakly.
I wanted to somehow hide my shameless expression and tried to stretch my back, but he was right next to me.
There is no way I can’t see it.
“It’s been half a year. “I will do my best to like you and make you smile during that time, so please stay by my side for that time.”
“… ….”
“Are you going to bet?”
You ask, tilting your head slightly.
It looked like he was going to smile sheepishly and say that even if I refused, there was nothing he could do about it.
Honestly, it’s a bet that doesn’t make sense.
Does it make sense to decide to end a relationship that has been built for 15 years?
But I couldn’t find a proper way to refute it. I too believe that this is the best choice we can make.
“…… I will do it. Bet.”
This is probably the last time we will be able to be ourselves.
+++
Epilogue.
Jeomjip (Gangnam Station underground shopping mall), daytime.
The seventeen years of ‘Chaewon’ and ‘Yumin’.
Shabby interior. It looks like it could be demolished at any moment. Outside, you can see people coming and going through the glass window.
“Am I really the only one who is unlucky?”
No matter how I thought about it, this was unfair.
“I and this guy have a falling out. Am I really the only one who is unlucky? “Does he have anything?”
“Hey. “I guess what you’re saying is that you want something to happen to me?”
“If it were you, you wouldn’t have asked?”
“… Admit.”
Ji Ji-bae nods with a shy smile.
She takes her eyes off Chaewon and looks back at her aunt who told her about the instigation of the problem.
“If you look at it that way, there’s nothing.”
But as if there was nothing to be done about my grievance, her aunt shrugged her shoulders and shook her head.
Since fortune telling is for fun, I was just about to laugh and brush it off.
“Instead. “You’re going to be in a lot of trouble.”
My body stopped at the unexpected story.
“… “Are you in trouble?”
“Draw. “The young lady loves the bachelor just as much as we do, so if the relationship goes sour, the bachelor will suffer more than he can imagine.”
“… “Is it real?”
Are you saying that you are suffering because Han Chae-won, the evil dog of the world, had an argument with me?
In a situation I had never imagined in my life, she quickly turned her head and looked at Chaewon.
“———.”
Chaewon, unable to find an appropriate response, remained frozen.
… I don’t know what will happen if I touch it now, so let’s leave it alone.
“Well, so. “What can we do to solve that problem?”
Change your words hastily.
“I don’t know that.”
“…… Yes?”
“The only thing I can know through my instigation is the fate of the two people, and it is up to the two of them to figure out how to overcome it.”
Giving up dream interpretation because of the fortune telling, which is more of a dream interpretation than a dream.
I couldn’t stop laughing because I was wondering what I had been silently listening to until now.
Yes, there are days like this, right?
I was about to get up from my seat after roughly paying for the bokchae.
“But the lady is her senior in life and can give her advice.”
The lady looks at the two of us with a kind smile.
The look in his eyes made me sit down again without realizing it.
“The two are very opposite people. “That’s why a bachelor and a young lady are a match made in heaven, but sometimes that’s the biggest reason why there’s a problem between them.”
“… ….”
“There is only one thing you need at that time. “Be honest.”
“… Honestly, you want me to cancel?”
Chaewon, who had been quiet, stutters and mutters her words.
At this, the lady who was looking in my direction nods her head and looks at Chaewon.
“People think they know everything, but if you don’t tell them, they won’t know until the end. Especially if you haven’t known each other for as long as the two of you. You need to be honest about what you are thankful for and what you are sad about. “Otherwise, we can just pass over the image from before.”
The lady looks at the two of us in turn again.
When Chaewon and I looked confused, her aunt smiled brightly, thinking it was cute.
“You don’t have to know what I’m talking about now. “But please remember what this lady said.”
———Because there will come a day when you really need it.
“This is the end of the gossip. “The lady is happy to see good-looking men and good-looking women, so let’s go on a pretty date with the price of bokchae.”
A lady standing up and clapping her hands.
I was embarrassed to see that no one seemed to have any intention of receiving money.
“… Oh no. “No matter what, it’s a little free.”
“Sseu-eup. “Stop talking nonsense, get up and go on a date.”
“But as I said earlier, he and I are not in a relationship———.”
“For our girl’s clothes, go to the place on the left immediately after leaving here. There are a lot of pretty things there, so buy them there, okay?”
A woman who cuts her off in a condescending manner.
She stood up Chaewon and I and carried them to the entrance with her own hands.
“Love with all your might, you two.”
The lady smiled brightly until the end.