72
“Misaka’s eyes were clear. She was saying that I was an enemy. She had the same eyes as those people. She was saying that she didn’t recognize me.”
Akanishi hugged her shoulders with both hands, just like she had yesterday.
She curled up her small body as if she were closing herself off from the world.
“When I saw that, I couldn’t take it… I was right back in middle school. I tried to talk to people, but they ignored me and glared at me, and I couldn’t say anything back… “
Her hands were trembling as she gripped the stole around her shoulders.
Akanishi squeezed her eyes shut as if she were afraid of something she couldn’t see.
“I know that if I say something, I might be able to change things, but I can’t do it. I’m too scared. I can only run away. I can’t even make excuses, so I just stay there . I know it’s wrong, but I can’t say that I didn’t mean to…”
She was talking to herself.
She wasn’t talking to me so much as she was spitting, getting something off her chest.
“Misaka must have misunderstood me too. I was just looking for Tsujimura so we could talk for a little while during break… I just wanted to talk about books. That’s all. So please don’t look at me like that. It’s a misunderstanding. I couldn’t even say those words to her…”
She said that if she had been able to say that, things would have been different.
In reality, it was my fault that she didn’t get to say anything before I dragged her away from there.
But even if I said that, Akanishi probably wouldn’t believe me.
She would blame herself for not saying something sooner.
I could understand that. I could understand it all too well. So all I could do was listen to Akanishi’s words and let her talk.
“Since I couldn’t say anything, I’m sure Misaka will look at me with those eyes again. I must be an enemy to her now. Even if I try to explain myself, I don’t know if she’ll listen or believe me… I made another mistake. I didn’t want to make any more mistakes…”
When she finished speaking, Akanishi slumped her shoulders.
She had come all this way to start over, and the fact that she hadn’t been able to say anything to Miori yesterday had been a huge shock to her.
So much so that she was confiding in me, someone she barely knew.
She hung her head in dejection, looking even smaller than before.
“Akane-san…”
I hesitate for a moment, not knowing what to say.
I can’t say something like, “If you’re wrong, you can just fix it.”
That’s a common, correct phrase.
A truism that anyone can say, but it’s also an irresponsible phrase because it’s just correct.
I think that telling someone who is trembling with their own weakness to “do your best” or “you can definitely do it” is because you’re not really looking at that person.
If you’re really looking at that person and empathizing with them… shouldn’t you be there for them?
(Then, what can I do…)
I thought that Akane-san was similar to me.
She ran away, but she can’t escape. The past keeps chasing her.
She wants to change herself, but she can’t.
She hates her own weakness, but she’s too cowardly to take a step forward.
That’s why she can’t change. She’s always in the same place.
She can’t stand it, but all she can do is complain.
She likes to shut herself in her own world and is not good with other people.
But she hates being disliked by others, and she hates herself for being the kind of person who is disliked.
I felt that we were similar in that way.
She’s full of contradictions and confusion, but she’s still struggling to do something about it, and I could see myself in her.
“Let’s clear up Misaki’s misunderstanding.”
That’s why I decided to reach out to her.
“Huh…”
“You don’t want to be hated without even talking to her, do you, Akane-san? I’ll get involved with Misaki too, so let’s clear up the misunderstanding between the two of you.”
“But, Tsujimura-san…”
“I’m also responsible for Misaki’s strange misunderstanding. I want to take responsibility for that. I don’t understand Misaki’s behavior at that time either, but I think it will be okay if we talk about it properly.”
It’s whether unknown Misaki will be able to understand now.
Come to think of it, I don’t know that Misaki very well.
I’ve always avoided facing her head-on, and there’s a part of me that even thinks she’s scary.
(But, I can’t keep running away.)
There’s someone who got caught up in my problems.
Then, this isn’t just a problem between Misaki and me anymore.
“…Is that okay?”
Akane-san’s words were hesitant, but she latched onto my words.
I nodded my head vigorously, inwardly rejoicing at that fact.
“Of course. When the break is over, let’s go talk to Misaki together.”
If this can have a good influence on her, then that’s all I want.
I also had a slightly calculating thought that if I got involved with Akane-san, I might be able to find a trigger to change something about myself.
But, such a petty thought quickly dissipated.
“…Yes.”
There was a small glimmer in Akane-san’s eyes as she nodded slightly.
She probably wants a trigger too.
Perhaps we are similar after all.
For now, I just thought optimistically that I could help her at this time.