#17
“Senior, I confessed again.”
“… … 」
“I’m dating a senior, eh- I got a confession again. Besides, freshman. Next year, I will join the swordsmanship club. He’s very popular in his class, and his face… does it happen? I don’t know for sure, but first-year girls seem to think so.”
“… … 」
“Are you listening? senior?”
“… … I am listening.”
“Then tell me what to answer-.”
“… … 」
“Aren’t you thinking? Aren’t you jealous? Yeah? eh? Do you think you might lose your cute and pretty girlfriend?”
“… … 」
“tooth-.”
“… … 」
“Senior, it’s true that you love me… ?」
#18
it will be like this,
You may have vaguely expected it.
“… music.”
“how… … ”
Nope. I’d rather you tell me it was my mistake. I think I’ve grown a lot more than before, but there may still be some parts.
Judging from Mew’s reaction to me so far, I just thought it could be-, but I’ve never been so sure about it.
“how how… I will… That’s too much, senpai. That’s too much… I mean… … ”
As of now, I’m sure.
dripping, dripping.
It was never something to laugh at happily. It was heartbreaking, like the face of Mew crying on my stomach. A distant pain continued as if someone was squeezing my heart. Still, the saddest thing was that I couldn’t reach out and wipe away Mu’s tears.
“music.”
“I, I… how much… … How old are you… … ”
Mew was calling me senior at some point.
It was the right thing to say not to do that, but I couldn’t. Once he had made up his mind, he had to follow a set path, but the ideal and reality were different laws. To the ex-lover who cries out for the past and is holding my shirt tight, I am no longer your senior, so the courage to put the last dagger like that did not exist for me yet.
“Uhhh… … ”
In a muffled voice, he was voicing tears from scratching his throat.
It would not be easy to make a voice like that out of Mew’s mouth no matter how many daggers were struck, but I managed to do it.
If someone asked me if I had something to brag about because I succeeded in such a difficult task, I would just laugh out loud.
And maybe, he slowly bowed his head raised up to the sky and bit his molars hard.
“You know it too. We now… … ”
“I don’t know, I don’t know… … I do not like it… … How can I… … Senior told me… … How precious… … ”
But this was right.
This was the only way left.
I also think I did something like garbage. A letter to Mu. If that was our last moment as lovers, I could have held all the blame for having dared to do so.
At the time, I had no idea what Mew would have thought of me when he received the letter. I tried not to know. I didn’t want to know. He may have been in a hurry to run away without confronting him unsightly.
Even though everything was opaque and uncertain, there was only one thing I could be certain of, that I would never have feelings for Mew again.
That I couldn’t date anyone.
So there was no room for it. I know that if I try to hold Mew’s hand again after making a clumsy decision, one day it will end in a bad way.
Just as Mew had a constant sense of guilt with me, so did I, and since then we have been irrevocably separated.
Whether I and Mew wanted it or not, the fact that they had hurt each other too much, no matter what, it never changed.
Nevertheless, overcoming… It may be our eternal homework. There are no lovers who do not fight. There are no lovers who are only happy. They fight, grieve, and get hurt for their own reasons.
Then, there are people who say goodbye because their hearts get cold. Still, there are people who do not give up and promise to try again.
Even in a state of being in tattered condition with such wounds in body and mind, there is only one person who can heal those wounds, so there are people who cannot let go.
Most people look at them and say they are foolish. How much can I love you?
Mew was a fool.
Come to think of it, it was stupid from the beginning.
He truly loved me.
How could that be?
If I had been in the position of Mew, I would have never looked at anything like myself. I wish I could have met a better and better person.
Why is it that he likes people like me, because he loves me so much, that he is crying so sadly over me right now?
However, I couldn’t take pity on Mew like that. Because I had no intention of undermining Mew’s sincerity.
His shirt looked like it was wet with water. Water drops are falling non-stop. I rolled up my uniform and bit my lip.
There were many things I wanted to say and had to say, but I couldn’t open my mouth well. It was strange. His chest was cold, his head was hot. what I thought too much. Even when I saw Mew who was so sad at my words that completely cut off the space, I couldn’t change the content of what I was trying to say.
A cold heart invites a surprisingly cold speech. what are you doing now I have no intention of doing it again with you, so get out of here.
At the same time the head appeals. Have you forgotten everything Mew did for you up until now? Knowing how devoted Mew was to you, is it really right to cut off the past here? Look at how hard Mew suffered because of you. Isn’t it time to hug you warmly?
Finally I think
Both are wrong.
“Sorry.”
The moment I was about to utter a word,
Mu suddenly speaks.
“Sorry… senior. I was wrong… ”
Mu’s head begins to bend downwards gradually.
“Things you said… … ”
Late night in early winter.
“Never, never really was… ”
Mew talked about the events of the day.
“I guess what happened to me. It was so cold, I wished I had a senior by my side, but he wasn’t there… … I said things I shouldn’t have said to my seniors. all… It’s my fault. senior.”
“… … ”
“I thought there would be circumstances I couldn’t tell my senior, but if I come to keep my promise someday… I just thought you’d be happy… … Why did I do that… I hated myself so much… … ”
“… … ”
“very very… I regretted it. To the senior I loved the most… … Things you shouldn’t say… I did it… … To the senior who came to keep his promise… how do i… … Could it be… … All, it was all my mistake… … Never again… senior… … ”
“… … ”
“Senior, I can’t forget… I can’t forget… … I just can’t throw it away… When I see my seniors, I still… Just look at the seniors… … I’m sick here… ”
read at https://noblemtl.com
Dropping the water droplets on the tip of her eyelids, looking down at me with the most desperate eyes, Mew squeezed her chest tightly.
“The regret remains… Of course… … That’s how it ended… I still haven’t been able to properly apologize to my senior… … Only the senior was sick and it was over… … How can I let you go… … Absolutely impossible… … ”
A low, deep cry continues without stopping. The desperate sound of breathing that mixes in the middle of each other guessed Mew’s feelings.
But I couldn’t reach up and move any part of my body.
Somehow, listening to Mew’s sincerity, I felt like crying too, but in the end I couldn’t cry. The change in my face ended with just a small bit of my lip.
“Look, this is… … It is still with me.”
Breathing in his nose, Mew rummaged through my arms.
Fingertips tremble
In Mew’s hand holding something there, there was an object that was familiar but never familiar.
A ring that shines in silver.
“This too… In the end I couldn’t let it go. Because it’s the last gift my senior gave me… … If I throw this away, I really think it will all be over… … I kept, I kept… … ”
Holding on to a coupling that has lost its meaning now, he puts on a very painful expression. Looking up at Mu’s face like that, I, too, became speechless.
This is because I have arranged all the things that commemorate the memories with Mew.
That muffler too.
The moment I left the temple, I didn’t take it with me.
against me like that
really…
Mu has not forgotten me.
“it… You better throw it away now.”
“I do not like it.”
“music.”
“I do not like it… I absolutely hate it… I can’t throw it away… how… … ”
As if he would never let go, he held the coupling tightly in his fist.
“If you have… It will only hurt you more.”
Even me now is like this, I still have that. If you look at what you took out of your arms, you may have kept it in your arms ever since.
What do you think every time you see that ring?
It is impossible for me to know.
It’s not just Mew who’s sick. I remember the first time I went to order the ring, and the time when I returned to Mew, who was waiting for me to find the ring. So it became even more unfortunate.
It was a ring that could no longer be worn even for simple decoration. Because the meaning of the words written on the ring had become obscured. After all, we didn’t last forever, and I… ‘Cause I can’t love you anymore
“You never have to share it again, now.”
“… … ”
“Mu, if you really think of me… … ”
read at https://noblemtl.com
Dry saliva is swallowed through the throat.
As I was contemplating on what to say next, Mew’s head, which had been bowed down, was finally buried on my chest.
In a lowered voice, Mew said.
“A person who truly cares about his seniors more than me… Will there be?”
“… … ”
“I was then, and I am still… … I was just looking at the senior. Anyone other than seniors… I never thought about it. You can’t be a senior Without seniors, I… … ”
He barely lifts his face, which was messed up with wet tears. At a close distance, Mew and I made eye contact. I don’t know what he was reading, but Mew closed his blurry eyes for a moment and then opened it.
“… I know. It’s not worth the effort.”
It wasn’t as intense as before, but somehow he vomited a more gloomy voice.
“The fact that senior doesn’t love me anymore… … I know… But how do you do it? I still like seniors. Unless you are a senior Since you can’t hate your senior, then you have no choice but to keep liking him… … ”
Mew clings to me. appealed confessed The sincerity of Mew, whom I met for the first time since entering school, was desperate and desperate.
It’s not that I don’t like Mu. I just can’t love like I used to. My head is screaming if I can try again with this desperate Mew once, but my heart says it’s not. The excitement and palpitations had long since been forgotten. Now I can’t love anyone. I was deeply aware of that fact. It has already cooled and turned to ashes. You cannot set fire to the ashes that have already been burned.
“I’m sorry… I’m really, really sorry… I’ll do whatever my senior tells me to do… Because I really can’t unless I’m a senior… … You’ll do really well… … I won’t tell you to love me anymore… So, senpai, please… … ”
The power of the hand grows stronger.
Then, at some point, it came loose.
“Please don’t leave me… ”
Seeing Mew begging like this, I felt an indescribable feeling.
Mew gave everything to me, and will continue to do so in the future. if only i allow it It was funny. I’m willing to give my all, but I have to ask for permission. What’s more, it’s more likely that you won’t get permission.
Mew was ruined by me, and it would be even worse if I rejected Mew. If that was the case, it would be very difficult for me too. It will be painful, for sure. You will feel heavy guilt in some form.
Unless Mew gave up her feelings for me, the way forward would be blocked off, and all that would be left was to fall.
There were two ways.
Mew giving up on me.
or I fall in love with Mew again.
Both could not be done.
“… … ”
Then, we choose the lesser evil, not the worst.
I just want Mew to get away from me.
I can’t love Mew again, it’s like creating feelings that don’t exist. To create something out of nothing. That can’t be it.
But, if it’s enough to remove what’s already there.
If it’s the other way around.
… To that extent, maybe it can be done.
“Okay, I won’t leave you.”
Gently chew your teeth and open your mouth with a sigh.
Mu slowly raises his head.
I thought I had some hope for my answer.
“… Whatever you think of me, I won’t get involved in it anymore. Whether you’re sorry for me or you love me, do whatever you want. ’cause it’s all in your mind But don’t you want more of me Most people won’t be able to listen.”
He straightens his voice and speaks again and again so that it can be conveyed properly to Mew, who is restless. As a result, naturally, the conversation became more rigid. You keep saying things that you don’t know if you really mean it or not.
“But, if you keep on loving me, I can never even be friends with you. From now on, I will keep only the least acquaintance with you. So… … ”
I told Mu not to blame himself. It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault though, so it was right to forget all the sad past. There wasn’t anything good about it for nothing. After I regained my memory, I said I would do something, but I blamed and said I would not hate Mew, but that promise was eventually fulfilled. I don’t hate Mew. really.
don’t like it either
still.
“I don’t want people to call me senior like I just did. Hanging around like that doesn’t look good from my point of view.”
The moment I finished speaking with a feeling of vomiting blood.
Mew’s hand fell to the floor, looking at me, and the coupling inside it rolled over to somewhere.
At the same time,
read at https://noblemtl.com
Dry tears flowed down my cheeks.
without sound.
F*ck, I want to take a stick and bang them on the head, the damn author too.