108 – 108. Between love and resentment (1)
Dazed.
My head was blank. It feels like your brain is floating in water. No, the brain was originally floating in water. Anyway.
My head is a mess. Thoughts tangled like hair stuck in a drain. The cause was in the chest. Emotions welling up in my heart soaked my reason like sticky water from a drain.
Sorrow.
Resentment.
Sorrow.
Resentment.
It was as if the dark emotions I hadn’t had the opportunity to embrace were dragging me down to the bottom of an endless swamp.
It was all because of Suho oppa. All of these feelings are because Suho oppa said something that doesn’t even sound like that in front of me.
‘Why… ….’
Is Ji Ye-won as precious as I am? Can’t you choose? Hate to throw one away? Does that make sense? In this created world, only my brother and I are the only real ones! What to worry about!
In my head, my own unfair voice echoed endlessly.
I hated my brother.
You said you would choose me. I hated my brother for not telling me he loved only me. As soon as I heard my confession, I hated my older brother who said he would straddle me. It was hateful and resentful.
But I loved her more than that. That feeling made me suffer even more.
Three times.
My brother saved me three times. Three times he risked his life to save my life. In those three salvations, my emotions changed blindly. Love. And dependent. That was the identity of the feelings I had for Suho oppa.
Yes. It’s blind love.
It was blind dependence.
My life has already been threatened several times in this world where I have no one to rely on. And every time I was saved by Suho oppa.
As a result, what settled in my heart was a huge love affair, and a dependence and obsession as heavy as that love heart. It’s my own feelings, but because it’s my own feelings, I was able to assert that confidently.
I hate my brother.
But I love you.
That’s why I want to keep it by my side.
I only want to be by my brother’s side.
Not passing it on to anyone, only my own. Look only at me save me only I wanted you to love only me.
‘That’s right.’
I only have an older brother, but he has someone else. Because I couldn’t stand it.
“Huh.”
I sobbed silently as I hugged the pillow.
My head was messed up, but paradoxically, I was able to look back on myself objectively. I was a surprisingly possessive woman. It would be nice to have an obsession. Originally, I don’t think he was like that. Maybe that’s what changed after coming into this world.
I wanted my brother to look at me wholeheartedly, just as I completely love him. But my brother had someone more important than me.
A woman named Ji Ye-won, who opened her heart for the first time in this world.
-Knock. Right. Knock. Right. Knock. Right. Knock. Right.
In the silent hospital room, only the sound of the second hand of the clock resonated. I think in that stillness.
…… Actually, it’s not all that sad.
When my older brother accepted my confession. How happy I was when my brother also said he loved me. That joy still lingered in a corner of his heart. Even though the sadness was greater than the joy, anyway, joy was joy.
Even now, thinking about it still puts a smile on my face. Whatever it was, it meant that my feelings were accepted by him.
But Ji Ye-won. Because of her presence, that smile could not be maintained for a moment. Yeah, it was all about her.
If it wasn’t for Yewon Ji. She wouldn’t be so sad if it wasn’t for that extra whose name didn’t even appear in the original story.
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Like the prince and princess in the story. The princess who was saved by the prince confessed her love and said that the two lived happily ever after. It might have been a happy and happy ending just like that, without any obstacles. If it wasn’t for Ji Ye-won.
However, even though Ji Ye-won resented her, she couldn’t just keep resenting her. Of course, Ji Ye-won hated her. Her heart thought so.
But rationally, I also understood my brother’s feelings.
To my older brother, Ji Ye-won was a position similar to that of my older brother. The first person I opened my heart to in this world. The first person I could show my sincerity to. Of course it will matter. Just as my brother is precious to me, Ji Ye-won will be precious to him.
I understood that in my head. It’s just that her chest just can’t understand it.
‘Stop.’
The more I thought about it, the more I felt like my head was immersed in pitch black water. I tried to think of something else. I turn my gaze and look out the window. The sun has already risen in mid-heaven.
Yes. I had to go to class because I was in good shape. Because it’s not long before final exams. You also need to prepare your writing. We also need to find out what happened during the two days of kidnapping. Come to think of it, did Ryu Tae-hyun also say that he came with me when he saved me? Then maybe you can get help from him in your school life.
Thousands of thoughts raced through my mind.
However.
“…… Under.”
Suddenly, I wondered what the purpose of all that was.
Final exams, academies, everything is fake anyway. It’s a world full of fakes. The only real thing in the world doesn’t look at me fully. What’s the use of all that?
“Brother… ….”
I missed Suho oppa. He wanted to see it like crazy. With that thought in my mind, I pick up my smartphone from the table next to my bed.
But I soon stopped contacting him. A deep sense of regret passed through the fingertips that had lost their place to go.
I sent it away like that, but why are you contacting me? Even if you contact me, what would you say?
Want to meet right now? Okay. It would be easy to say that.
But what if we meet? After resolving the momentary loneliness, what will the older brother choose to stay? Can I really endure the reality of having to face the fact that my brother doesn’t look after me, the anxiety that maybe he won’t choose me?
I’m sure you can’t stand it.
I couldn’t stand it, so I kicked my brother out like that this morning. Even if we meet again, we will only step on the train at dawn.
However, the current situation was also difficult to bear.
When a person is alone, emotions turn inward. Numerous complex feelings about her brother swirled inside without being able to go outside. I was dizzy and frustrated because of it.
It’s frustrating. Okay. Anyone is fine, so I wanted to appeal my frustration. I wanted to appeal and be comforted. It’s okay. You’re not wrong I understand your story.
It would be nice if Suho oppa was by my side at times like this. But my brother is not with me now. He doesn’t exist, and he can’t be called.
In that case, should I call someone else?
A fishy smile came to my lips at that thought. A different ‘person’. Where else in the world is there another ‘person’ other than my brother?
Three months after being possessed by this world. I had a relationship with the characters in the novel in my own way. If you ask me if I have anyone I would call a friend, I would say there are at least a few.
But it was all fake anyway. Meeting and hanging out with them, smiling and chatting happily on the outside, I thought that way when I turned around. It’s all fake anyway. Thinking so, I unconsciously distanced myself.
Suho oppa said. Even though the world is made up, they are also real.
I understand what you mean. It was a sound that I understood logically. Just as I couldn’t understand Ji Ye-won, I couldn’t sympathize with her brother’s words, though I did understand.
It was a natural result. Unlike my older brother, who tried to live independently in this world, the first thing I thought of as soon as I became possessed was running away. Because he only tried to escape from the stage of the original work, Green House, where all sorts of crises would come, by dropping out.
If I am attached to this world, how can I be attached to it, much less accepting this world as real?
In the end, I had no one to appeal to for this frustrating feeling. He bit his lip while holding the smartphone. It tasted like iron.
“… ….”
Actually, should I call my brother and apologize? I thought about that for a very short while.
Perhaps it was because of her sorrow for her older brother. Is it because of resentment? Or maybe it’s because of my selfish pride. I couldn’t possibly do that.
‘Let’s go out for now.’
After thinking about it for a while, I made my decision. Let’s go back to the dorm room for now. My physical condition is fine, but what am I supposed to do if I stay in the hospital room anymore?
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Let’s go back to our room, take a refreshing warm shower, and then take a deep breath.
If that happens, even this grunting mood might improve a little.
Maybe, really just maybe, there might be an answer to this tight situation.
I packed my things and left the infirmary. On the day I was about to leave, the receptionist I saw called and stopped me for a while, but he readily let me go. Perhaps the story had already ended before I knew it.
So I went back to my dorm room. I immediately took off my clothes and washed my body with warm water after three days. I was able to forget my worries and worries for a while at the refreshing sensation of the sweat and dust clinging to my skin falling off.
After taking a shower, I immediately lay down on the bed. Classes were scheduled, but it was okay. Since I was in the infirmary from dawn in the first place, I would have already taken care of everything in the security department or elsewhere regarding classes. Or what Even if you are absent for a day or so today, you will not be fired.
No. It doesn’t matter now whether it’s cut or not.
“…… Ha.”
I pulled the blanket over my head from the negative thoughts that were sticking to my brain. When I was awake, I kept having bad thoughts.
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Let’s go to sleep.
After waking up, let’s think again with a calm head.
Thought so, I closed my eyes. Fortunately, the fatigue hadn’t completely gone yet, so I was able to fall asleep right away.
“………… Ha.”
But what in the world can be solved by waking up after taking a nap for a few hours?
I woke up in the evening when the sun started to go down, and I let out a deep sigh, still in a good mood. At least the tiredness was completely gone and I felt refreshed.
I checked my smartphone that I left by my bedside. Three missed calls. Ryu Tae-hyun had two, and Professor Do So-young had one.
There was no contact from my brother.
– Profit.
When I came to my senses, I found a can of cold beer in my hand. I wanted to have a drink with a stuffy mind. Fortunately, there was enough alcohol in the fridge to get me drunk. You don’t have to bother going out to buy a drink.
I drank beer while sitting on the bed. As if suffering from thirst, he emptied the entire can at once. My throat is sore from the carbonic acid, and tears flow out.
“Ha ha.”
Soon I let out a deep sigh. A faint scent of alcohol wafted up.
“… ….”
However, my mood did not improve at all.
Yes. Apparently, he hadn’t had enough alcohol. In the first place, there’s no way Cho-in could get drunk with just one can of beer.
I took the next can from the refrigerator. No, I took out all the alcohol and alcohol in the refrigerator. The table top was quickly filled with liquor.
– Profit.
I immediately opened the next can. I didn’t give or anything. Alcohol was poured mechanically on an empty stomach. To wash this stuffy mind away with alcohol, I just drank and drank endlessly.
Until the sunset eventually disappears and clear night arrives.
I just drank and drank to run away from a reality I didn’t want to face.