90. No, I mean
“hahahaha! Welcome, my friend Alex!”
“…”
It was a trump that was so good it was about to rip my mouth off.
Here comes my friend.
“You’re loving it, aren’t you, you’re up 7% in the polls?”
“Yeah! Do you know how hard it is to get a 1% increase in the polls, and then you go down, and then you go down, and then you go down, and then you go down, and then you go down, and then you go down, and then you go down. Well, thanks for that. If I get re-elected, I’ll keep looking out for you!”
“…”
Not caring is helping.
And getting re-elected?
Dream on.
I don’t see that happening.
“So, what can I do to help?”
“I think I can help you with two small things.”
“Whatever you say, this great American president, Trump, will help you!”
This guy is so ridiculous.
What does he keep offering to help me with?
I’m asking for something in return.
Ha ha, let’s move on.
“The first is the complete scrapping of the U.S.-South Korea Missile Range Guidelines.”
“What, what, missiles? I mean, what’s a missile doing here?”
Trump asked in disbelief.
I know, I know, it’s an outlandish request.
I’m a private investor, and I’m calling for the scrapping of a sensitive agreement between countries out of the blue.
No, it’s not an agreement.
The U.S.-ROK Missile Guidelines are literally “guidelines.
It’s actually a bilateral agreement between the U.S. and South Korea, but formally it’s just South Korea creating its own self-regulatory guidelines and notifying the United States.
“The thing is, I can’t think of anything that I, as a private investor, could ask of Donald.”
“So?”
“So, I thought I’d do something good for my country.”
“Hmm? Was he asked by the Korean government? That’s a little too wacky for a civilian to come up with on his own?”
“Well, it’s not really civilian at all.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I’m an ensign in the South Korean Navy Reserve. If you’d seen my file, you’d know that.”
“Did I? Well, I remember you being in the military, but I didn’t look very closely, so—.”
“…”
The damned man only saw what he wanted to see.
“Anyway, I’m still in the reserves, and I’m a sergeant, so I’m good until I’m forty-five.”
“I don’t suppose all reservists are like that?”
“Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but my hobby is military.”
“Your hobby is military? hahahahaha, I think this is a great match for you and me!”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Well, my supporters have a lot of friends like that. They’re all armed!”
“…”
You redneck!
How can you compare me to those rednecks?
“So what, the U.S.-South Korea missile directive? What’s the big deal about that?”
“The Donald has already let us off the hook on two occasions. In fact, we’re pretty much unregulated now.”
“Me? Me when?”
“No, when Donald came to South Korea a few years ago, and our president asked him to release them, so he did!”
“Oh, that’s right, I said I knew because we had some weird regulation, not a contract, not an agreement, and now you’re mad at me?”
“No, who says I’m mad at you?”
“I think you’re still mad at me.”
“…”
Hah, I’m at a loss.
A matter of extreme importance to our nation’s security had been discussed with this old, grizzled, stubborn president of the United States who could barely remember it.
Don’t get mad.
“I’m not really angry,” I said, “and I’ve been there before, Donald.”
“Then what the hell do you want me to do?”
“Let us, South Korea, develop our own missiles without restrictions. Right now, they’re limited to a range of 800 kilometers.”
“So, you’re saying that if we just remove the range limit, there’s no guideline at all?”
“Yes, Donald.”
“Well, sure. What’s that about?”
“Huh?”
That easy?
“No, I’m not trying to get you to spend less on defense like the Europeans, I’m trying to get you to spend more, and what do you want me to do? I’m going to check downstairs and if everything’s okay, I’m going to let you go. Is that clear?”
“Uh, yeah. Thank you.”
Should we thank Europe?
I mean, I get that Trump is bashing Europe for not spending enough on defense.
Europe has been too loose since the end of the Cold War.
I wanted to see something really bad happen.
At least they should have gotten their act together after Russia ate Crimea by force in 2014.
Anyway, Europe is Europe, and there’s only one big one left.
“So what’s next?”
“Well, this actually came up once before, the last time Donald was here—.”
“Again? What is it?”
“SSN.”
“What?”
“SSNs, nuclear-powered attack submarines.”
“Whoa, nuclear, you want me to have that?”
Trump’s face, which had been all smiles and laughter up until this point, stiffened.
“No, that’s a no-no!”
“Why not?”
“I can’t, I don’t know, I can’t, I can’t!”
“No, I’m asking you to tell me why, because we’re going to have Brazil too, and we’ve never been as good an ally to the United States as Brazil?”
Damn it!
Why are we the only ones who can’t do this?
Everyone else is getting it?
Are we some kind of war criminal nation like Japan?
It’s not like that, is it?
From the Korean War to the Vietnam War to the Iraq War.
We have participated in all of America’s wars.
Whether they were justified or not.
So why not?
“Ha, hey, Alex.”
“Yeah, Donald.”
“Like you said, this story was brought up to me by the South Koreans back in 2017. I definitely remember this.”
“And?”
“Well, at first I thought it wasn’t a bad idea, because I thought, what’s the big deal with a nuclear-powered submarine when North Korea already has a nuclear bomb?”
“No. My words!”
I said.
North Korea has nuclear weapons, so why the hell are we messing with them?
“But then there was an internal scramble. The National Security Advisor, the State Department, the Defense Department, everybody’s up in arms like a bunch of bees, and they’re against it, even Abe in Japan, and he’s on the phone, and he’s freaking out?”
“No, that Abe motherf*cker!”
“What did he just say, was it Korean?”
“No, never mind.”
“Does that sound like a swear word?”
“It’s not?”
“Hmm, well, it happened. Hey, Alex.”
“Yes, Donald.”
“I’m the president, but I can’t help it when they’re all in unison like that, and frankly, I’m still wondering why they’re making a big deal about a nuclear submarine.”
“…”
We have to push this somehow.
If the Democrats are in power, they’ll be even more opposed.
Traditionally, Democrats are the ones who are more against military diversion of nuclear energy.
Somehow Trump, the asshole, has to do it.
“Let’s take it one by one.”
“Point what, I said no, don’t point!”
“Do you know why we’re hanging ourselves with nuclear submarines?”
“Seriously, why? North Korea is no match for South Korea, especially in the navy?”
“Why, it’s because of China, isn’t it?”
“China?”
“Let’s be honest, who else would we be fighting? Oh, let’s leave those North Korean bastards out of it for now.”
“So?”
“Russia? We’re not too bad with them, they’re the cause of the Korean War, but since the Soviet Union broke up, they’re the best thing since sliced bread. We don’t have territorial issues, at least not yet, and besides, they honestly don’t give a sh*t about anything other than their floating port of Vladivostok, do they?”
“Because those bastards think they’re Europeans.”
“So, in the end, it’s highly unlikely that we’ll run into Russia, unless the US goes to war with them.”
“Hmm, so I hear. And?”
“Well, it’s not that, it’s that.
Russia and we have very few conflicting interests.
Unless, of course, we unify and share a border.
“And Japan? You know they don’t get along with us, right?”
“Don’t talk about Japan, I know how much you two are enemies.”
“Well, we’re on good terms with them, but there’s no way we’re going to go to war.”
“I don’t see the United States of America doing that.”
“So where does that leave us?”
“China! China!”
“Bingo!”
Ha, this is tough.
It’s not like I’m teaching a grade school class.
“Are Koreans really that wary of China, because I honestly doubt it sometimes?”
“Come on, this is a country that was cut in half in the Korean War and then again just before reunification because of the Chinese?”
“Yeah, but that’s not how we feel about them, is it?”
“Donald, believe me when I tell you, it wasn’t so bad before 2015, at least, because up until then, China was the land of gold, but it wasn’t just our country, was it, America, too?”
“Uh-huh—.”
“Well, that all changed after the THAAD missile debacle, you know, how badly we were beaten by China? I mean, while we’re at it, shouldn’t the U.S. have put up a shield if we’re getting beaten up that badly? After all, it’s a missile deployed by the U.S. military?”
“Aww, why do you keep dragging us Americans into this?”
“Speaking of which, why would you trust the US to do anything?”
“Uh-huh, why don’t you keep talking?”
That’s enough bashing.
Any more and I’m going to get really mad.
“That’s fine, but besides that, how many other times has Wet Geun Pyong bullied Korea and other neighboring countries? Don’t they call our history their history?”
“Oh, that’s right. Didn’t he say something to me about Korea being part of China from the south to the north?”
“What a bunch of bastards!”
“Hey, Alex. Are you going to continue to speak Korean in front of me? That’s a swear word no matter how you look at it, Casacky?”
“Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away. Anyway, just grab anyone in Korea right now and ask them. Nine times out of ten, they’ll say no.”
“I see.”
“I think what Trump and other ministers misunderstand is that we trade so much with China that we can’t say no outright. Japan alone has a huge domestic market, but we don’t. You can say whatever you want, but you’re going to get screwed.”
“Okay, I see what you mean. So that’s why we need nuclear-powered submarines to keep China in check?”
“Exactly! North Korea, that’s an excuse, an excuse. What’s a North Korean navy with a bunch of old ferryboats going to do against us?”
“Hmmm—.”
“Donald, you don’t like China, do you? I mean, you know full well that the United States will inevitably clash with China, right?”
“I know very well. Damn it, the previous presidents, one way or the other, have let China get too big for their britches, and it’s a damn shame!”
“I couldn’t agree more!”
There are days in my life when I agree with Trump.
Seriously, I agree with Trump 100% on this one.
The US should have been wary of China since the Bill Clinton years.
No, we shouldn’t have gotten China involved in the first place because that idiot Kissinger was wary of the Soviet Union.
Is that damned old man still alive?
Is it because he’s been bad-mouthed so much?
May he at least do penance to South America before he dies.