37 – Happiness is in Academic Rank (4)
It felt like I had been asleep for a day.
That day, exhausted from being unable to cry, I fell asleep embracing myself. When the darkness finally enveloped my vision, the bitter pain that flowed down my cheeks had lightened. However, in its place, flames blossomed in my heart, burning so intensely that it numbed my chest. From within, the only conclusion I could draw was a single phrase.
I’ve ruined everything.
I’ve completely ruined everything.
Due to the arrogance of thinking I could save them. Due to baseless pride.
Instead, I ruined Yuna’s life.
I thought becoming the academy’s top student would satisfy them. So, I worked hard. But it was all in vain. My arrogance, thinking I could fulfill their desires that even Yuna couldn’t satisfy, was nothing more than my own conceit.
Now, they will find another way. Another way to use me. Living naively and kindly like this won’t be a solution. Unfortunately, there was nothing else left for me. Neither Yuna’s position in the social circle she originally had, nor the role of the academy’s villainess that I had embraced for so long.
If Yuna saw me, she might have laughed. Did I really think I could save my own life with such a careless thought? On what basis? What makes me better than Yuna?
Because I know the future? What value is there in knowing the future that will change the moment I intervene? Or because I know Yuna’s life better than Yuna herself? Just because I read a novel?
I was just… just…
Was I actually imposing my ruined life onto Yuna?
…
The truth I had realized was more lethal than any dagger. Now, my heart hurt so much that I couldn’t even sleep. As pain dominated not only my body but also my mind, I naturally woke up. Thus, after a whole day passed, I finally rose from my bed.
Looking out the window, the sun had set, and a red twilight descended. Absently gazing at the setting sun, I suddenly wondered if the swelling on my face had subsided. I walked hesitantly to the bathroom with sluggish steps. And there, I faced the mirror.
“…”
Slapped until blood filled my mouth. Whining like a fool. The face that had slept all day looked anything but fine. Yet, Yuna’s face remained beautiful. The shining green eyes. The lovely brown hair. Even the two cheeks still reddened from the slaps. She was still so beautiful.
So I looked at her face for a long time, and this time I turned my gaze towards her body. Due to not being able to properly dress and falling asleep, she was still in her underwear. It was only now that I felt it again, but her body curves, proportions – even after considering everything, her figure was truly flawless. Just as the Duchess said, it was a body that anyone could easily fall for.
Yes. Even if the other party was anyone. The Crown Prince. Other nobles. Students. And…
…even Ellen.
“Ah.”
Suddenly, something pierced deep into my heart. It was so painful that other pains seemed to sink below. As if a cold wind was flowing in through a hole in my chest, the wind sound soon whispered a word.
Yes. Ellen was the same. He just approached you because you were beautiful.
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to deny that it wasn’t like that with Ellen. But there was no basis for denial. If it wasn’t like that, would he have approached me? If it wasn’t my face. If it wasn’t my body. If it wasn’t for sponsorship. Would it really have happened?
If I were the one sitting next to him instead of Yuna?
“Ah, ugh.”
Once again, something deeply pierced my heart. Unconsciously, I swallowed my breath and clutched my heart. If I didn’t do that, it felt like the existence leaking from the pierced hole would flow out steadily. It seemed that I would fall down to the bottom where I originally should be.
I clutched the pierced hole and bowed my head. Thanks to that, the hole was blocked, but the wind that had entered continued to spread curses to me. All the things that happened with Ellen. All the feelings and warmth I felt during that time. These were things that I couldn’t have felt if it were not Yuna. Things that could only happen because it was you, not Yuna.
“Ah…”
…
The truth is most painful when it cannot be denied. Now, the pain in my heart was so intense that I couldn’t endure it without crying.
I used to envy Yuna. I even felt thankful for being able to experience things I couldn’t have because of her. But now, a different emotion surfaced.
I resent Yuna.
For confirming the helplessness I already knew. For letting me know that this couldn’t have been a dream if it weren’t for you. That’s why I grew to hate you.
“…hahahaha.”
In the midst of such thoughts, a belated sarcasm crept in. Now I blame Yuna because there’s no one else to blame. In reality, I was the one who caused trouble. I was the one who took advantage of her body under the pretext of salvation.
I didn’t know that the person I should hate might not be you, but myself.
But now, I couldn’t hate myself. The final destination of self-loathing was death, and I couldn’t choose that now. In the end, the aimless hatred was directed towards detestable people. The Duchess. Elise. The Crown Prince. And… And…
And…
…
“Ah…”
When I regained my senses, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor. Only then did the coldness rise and envelop my whole body. Since there was no one to embrace me now, I had to put on clothes. And once I put on clothes, I had to go out.
To the Academy.
Since the meaning of everything I had done so far had disappeared, I couldn’t grasp what I should do there. But still, I had to go. If I didn’t, I would only become more of a burden to Yuna.
I thought that way and stood up from my seat.
Yuna wasn’t with me yesterday.
I don’t know what happened to her. Anyway, she didn’t come to the classroom yesterday. Without knowing the reason or the details, I didn’t take any action for now. Whatever happened, it was just a day she didn’t come.
And that day was more than enough time to ponder over the feeling of loneliness.
Of course, there were other people by my side. Guro and Ilya were there too. Yuna was just absent for one day. But the hole she left behind was much bigger than I thought.
That’s why I kept worrying. I wanted to leave the classroom right away and go find her.
Was it because I was worried? It was just one day, but it was strange that Yuna, who was so stubborn about attending classes, would disappear without a word. Even if she said she was sick, she would have somehow attended classes. Why did she skip?
I thought about the reason all day yesterday. Why didn’t she come? Because lately, I felt like Yuna couldn’t stand being left alone, the worry deepened even more. I couldn’t forget Yuna’s expression when she came to our dormitory. The expression that seemed to carry a heavy burden in one corner of her heart. Her expression was the same when she went to meet her parents yesterday.
But I couldn’t do anything more than that. After all, there was still a distance that couldn’t be narrowed between us.
However, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Because of that, the feeling of distance that couldn’t be narrowed between us became even stronger. That’s why I kept pondering and worrying, tying my head in knots.
And so, I spent the whole day without saying a word.
To be precise, I didn’t say a word until Yuna opened the classroom door and walked in today.
When I faced the seemingly unaffected Yuna, I found myself smiling involuntarily. However, that smile quickly faded, veiled by the shadow cast upon her face.
Not only me but the attention of everyone was directed that way. It seemed the absence of the Duchess Yeongae was quite a topic of interest for many. Yuna, ignoring those gazes, silently took a seat beside me.
“…”
The silence was so heavy that it felt like it was pressing down on me. Yet, I couldn’t refrain from asking. So, in the most cautious tone, I inquired.
“Yuna, what happened?”
“…”
At first, my voice seemed too soft to be heard. So, as I was about to speak again, Yuna’s head turned, creaking like an old wooden doll. And she answered, chillingly.
“Nothing.”
“…”
This time, I closed my mouth. It wasn’t just because of the cold tone. It was the sharp gaze of hers, unseen for a long time, that pierced through my throat.
I forgot. I had forgotten that sharp look that always made me bow my head in front of her. I had momentarily forgotten it, overshadowed by her usual kindness and sincerity. But now, she was looking at me again with those eyes. Eyes that made me feel like I was being seen as something worse than a bug.
Yes.
As if she had returned to her previous villainous role as Yeongae.