38 – Yuna’s Confession
“Yuna, what happened?”
Ellen asked me. The moment I heard his voice, something welled up and surged in my heart. Trying to suppress it, I replied coldly.
“Nothing.”
But I made a mistake by turning my head. Our eyes met. When he saw his reflection in those deep pupils, I almost spoke again.
“…”
Nevertheless, I held back and stared at him, as coldly as possible. To push him away with an unseen force. Sending him a gaze that I had never shown to anyone before. In response, Ellen, looking a bit surprised, glanced at my face and uttered a single word.
“…No. I’m sorry.”
And then, he turned his head away again. As his gaze left me, I faced him directly. The professor had come to the front of the platform, pouring out seemingly important stories. Out of habit, I opened my book and picked up my pencil.
But I couldn’t do anything.
The professor’s voice buzzed in my ears like the noise of mosquitoes flying around. Although he was diligently writing something on the blackboard, none of it registered in my mind.
It’s not that I couldn’t concentrate. I just didn’t feel the need to. Because I had come to realize that all of this was meaningless. No matter how hard I tried here, it wouldn’t help anyone. It might even be a hindrance. Elise. The Duchess. Even Yuna. I ruined my life by recklessly getting involved in unnecessary things.
It’s all because of me.
I ruined everything.
…Thunk.
The pencil rolled off my loosened grip. Knowing that whatever I did would only make the situation worse, I felt powerless. Soon, the flow of time became unclear, and only distant noises echoed around me. The sound of pens scribbling. Sighs. Gossip shared secretly behind the professor’s back. Even if I stopped, the world didn’t stop.
It felt like becoming an alien crash-landed on a strange planet.
It wasn’t entirely wrong. I was indeed an otherworldly being who had transmigrated to this world. Yuna was the native of this world who had received an unfortunate fate under my spaceship. I was an alien who borrowed the body of that native and came out into the world. No matter how well the alien imitated humans, it was inevitable to feel discomfort eventually. That’s why everyone started throwing stones. The parents. The neighbors.
And eventually, Ellen, the first encounter with the alien, would probably throw a stone too.
“…”
Thoughts spun endlessly. Depressing thoughts circled in my mind like a clock ticking without purpose. I continued like that in the next hour, the hour after, and the one after that. No one threw a lifeline to me in the sea of helplessness.
It was only when the lunchtime bell rang that I finally snapped out of it.
“Ah.”
Raising my head, I realized everyone had left the classroom like a receding tide. I finally stood up from my seat and stepped into the desolate wilderness of emptiness. Neither the Crown Prince nor Elise. Not Guelo or Ellen. No one was there. The loneliness in my stomach was colder than an iceberg, filling me with a nauseating emptiness.
Gurgle…
The long-forgotten loneliness brought with it a disgusting instinct. Of course, I couldn’t blame my body. I hadn’t eaten anything yesterday or today. To solve it, I had to go to the cafeteria. Somehow, the memory of a sandwich I had eaten before crossed my mind.
But I didn’t want to go.
Then, I had to go to the cafe at the very least. Not to resolve hunger, but to resolve this situation. I had to make an effort to do something, whether it was building connections with nobles, gathering information, or at the very least, making sure the Duchess noticed that I had been there.
But I didn’t want to go.
However, staying here wasn’t desirable either.
So, once again, I found myself wandering. I felt so pathetic that I wanted to slap myself. Knowing it wouldn’t improve anything, I embraced a book. There was no reason to go and read it. It was just to cover the emptiness in my heart. Eventually, as always, I headed to the library.
And that’s when I started hearing footsteps following me.
The librarian was not at the desk. As always, I went towards the deepest part. In the empty library, the sound of my footsteps echoed sadly.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
With each step on the creaky wooden floor, it followed me. The sound of the floor creaking also deteriorated as I walked unsteadily. Yet, I walked slowly, afraid that it would become more unpleasant if I walked faster.
And then, footsteps, upright and following me.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
It was a sound that could only be made if one didn’t doubt their own path. As soon as I heard the footsteps, I knew who the other person was. Clenching my fist and tightening my grip, I headed towards a section of shelves I hadn’t explored before.
Thud. Thud. Thud…
Soon, the sound of footsteps stopped. The dragging sound hid behind the wall of shelves, right in front. I waited, lips sealed, hoping to hear the sound coming from inside the shelves. The words that rose in my mouth lingered under my tongue for a while.
“…”
But no matter how long I waited, no one came from inside. Even if I intentionally slammed a book down or pulled a chair roughly for no reason, not a single flinch was heard. Maybe, were they just waiting for me to initiate a conversation?
Unable to endure any longer, I finally blurted out a word.
“What are you doing there? Why did you follow me if you’re going to act like this?”
Yuna’s voice, spoken coldly, cut through the air like a blade. It was so sharp that even my lips felt like they were cutting. However, Ellen, without a hint of being hurt, replied.
“Can I come in?”
In his tone, a warm concern was clearly present. Despite always intruding into my territory at his own will, he approached me so kindly in this situation.
That made me angry for no reason.
“Come in. It’s more annoying when you sneak around there for no reason.”
“Got it.”
“…”
After spitting it out, I flinched myself. I’m the only ugly one here, so why am I bothering Ellen for no reason? Even though I knew that, I bit my lip, turned away deliberately, and tried to look composed.
Ellen was making a facial expression I had never seen before. The usual relaxed smile was nowhere to be found, and there was a restless yet strangely lifeless look. Even though I was the one at fault, it felt like Ellen had done something wrong. I almost felt a momentary guilt. But I forced it out and asked calmly.
“Why are you here?”
“I wanted to ask what happened.”
From Noble mtl dot com
“What happened?”
“You didn’t come to class yesterday. So I wondered if something bad happened. I hope not, but… what happened yesterday?”
A usual kind question reached my ears. I almost spilled everything that was in my heart at that moment. But I held back, gritted my teeth, and nodded calmly.
“Nothing happened.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you really okay?”
“Why would I lie?”
I answered again, coldly glaring at him. Ellen looked into my eyes with hesitation for a while.
“Yeah. I understand.”
Soon, a smile appeared below that. But it was not a refreshing smile at all. It was not an expression coming from the heart, just a look to reassure the other person. Without any sign of hesitation, Ellen turned away.
“Sorry for bothering. I’ll go then.”
“…”
And then he walked straight towards the bookshelf. It was fortunate for me. He knew where to go without asking for details. But the moment I saw him like that, my lips involuntarily parted.
“Is that it?”
“Huh?”
“Is that really why you came?”
“Yeah. I was worried about you…”
“…Don’t lie.”
I clenched my teeth, stood up abruptly, and approached him. I grabbed him by the collar and pushed him against the bookshelf.
“Yuna…”
Alan, who was twice my size, weakly leaned his back against the bookshelf. I sternly asked him.
“You came here for something else, didn’t you? Isn’t that right?”
“What are you talking about? I just…”
“Shut up.”
I cut him off and firmly held his trembling hand. I could have easily pushed him away, but Alan, pressed against the wall, didn’t resist. I raised his hand.
And pressed it against my chest.
“Yuna…!”
The moment his palm touched the thin fabric, Alan exclaimed in astonishment and called my name. I, too, felt a tremor in my throat from the unfamiliar sensation, but I calmly spoke.
“Isn’t this what you wanted in the end? You’ve always been like this. You were eager to touch me.”
“That’s not it, you know it. Don’t do this, Yuna.”
“What’s not it? Is it too sudden for you? Even though you used to just dive in recklessly. Now that it actually happens, you’re flustered?”
“Yuna…”
“Don’t pretend it’s nothing. This is what you wanted all along. Isn’t it what you, the elf, and the human sponsor all desired?”
Dampness started to seep through the palm pressed against my chest. The moist sensation almost made me whimper. To feel that in such a situation. Somehow, laughter bubbled up within me, and I raised the corners of my mouth without hiding.
“You wanted this from the beginning. The reason you grabbed my wrist back then, wanting to be friends with the pretty and cute girl. Isn’t that what you aimed for in the end?”
“I didn’t…”
“Don’t want to make excuses? It’s amusing. Did you think this was your chance, seeing the fallen state of the sharp and haughty noble lady? Testing the waters, and seeing me not refuse but accept it all, you thought you hit the jackpot, right?”
“Yuna, please. Listen to me.”
“Don’t answer back! Insignificant commoner’s topic!”
I shouted with all my strength. The words I spat out turned into thorns, tearing through my throat. I fiercely pulled Ellen down by the wrist, making him fall to the ground. Then, I grabbed his collar and lifted his face, staring into it.
“If that’s what you thought, you’re mistaken. Got it? Do you think I’d just easily let it slide according to your whims? No. I’m Yuna Richmond, the only daughter of the Duke of Richmond!”
“…”
“Why? The academy is supposed to be equal, right? Do you want to say this is unacceptable? No matter how equal it is, sending a commoner like you is out of the question. What do you think will happen if everything I’ve been through leaks out? Invading the dormitory of a noble lady, touching her body. If all that gets exposed, will it end with expulsion? What do you think, Ellen?”
“…”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he looked at me with an incredibly stiff expression. The usual warmth I felt from him was nowhere to be found, only the expressionless appearance of an extra remained. Seeing that, oddly enough, my voice trembled from this side.
“Now you don’t even have the leisure to answer. Are you surprised? Did you always think everything would go your way? But no. That’s not the case at all. I’m not someone a commoner like you can manipulate.”
“…”
“Well, I’ll admit one thing. Despite being a commoner, you have quite a usable body. I liked that about you. If only it weren’t for that bold personality. What do you say? Even now, if you kneel down and beg, I might let you touch my chest. What do you think?”
I had to exert all my effort to keep my voice from trembling as I continued each word. So, deliberately, I raised my voice. To conceal my true feelings. To ensure sincerity didn’t come through.
“Why hesitate? You did it last time. Said you liked me. So, I’ll let you touch. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“…”
“Or is that not enough? Merely submitting your body doesn’t satisfy you, does it? Right? You wished to claim even my heart, didn’t you?”
“Yuna…”
“Fine. Then I’ll say what you wanted to hear.”
I took a moment to steady my breath. If I didn’t, it felt like my voice wouldn’t come out. Bringing out a long-buried phrase at such a timing felt uncomfortable even for myself. It was as if that one phrase, reluctant to come out now, was desperately clinging to my throat.
Nevertheless, I scraped out that phrase with blood, confessing as if it were a self-inflicted admission.
“I love you, Ellen.”
“… “
The moment I uttered those words, a cold wind pierced through my chest. Before even checking his expression, I realized that I had been hurt. Despite that, I added a word as if trying hard not to show any signs.
“Now, are you satisfied…?”
“… “
…
…
…
This is the worst.
Among the confessions I had imagined, this was the absolute worst. If I were in Ellen’s shoes, I would undoubtedly have rejected it. Or perhaps, pretending not to hear and leaving with disdain.
Yet, the reason for saying such words was not something else. It wasn’t about wishing for miracles now or hoping he would heal my heart with a magical word.
It was simply because I am a coward.
Because Ellen would eventually disappoint me. When the true me, hidden behind the facade of Yuna, emerges someday, he would be terrified and leave. Because I am undoubtedly worse than Yuna. Because I am ruining her with my inferior self.
If that’s the case, I wish he had left now. I should have pushed him away from the beginning, but back then, I was too foolish and arrogant.
I am too selfish and foolish. I wanted to hurt before getting hurt, even before receiving any wounds.
Knowing that the person in front of me is the most innocent and considerate person I know.
“…”
Ellen continued to stare at me in silence. I wished he would at least react harshly. Curse me. Disdain me. Either way, I hoped he would say something hurtful without pricking his conscience.
But Ellen didn’t say such things. Instead, he smoothed his expression and even forced a smile. Of course, his paralyzed face didn’t actually form a smile. In the end, he spoke with a strange face, neither laughing nor crying.
“…I really like you, Yuna.”
And then he lowered his head.
It was a perfect flow. I confessed, and you didn’t reject me. Instead, you honestly responded. If all of this had happened a few days ago, I might have been happy and surprised, maybe even shed a few tears.
But the current me couldn’t do that. I couldn’t cry anymore.
The tears that couldn’t flow from my eyes flowed from my heart instead. The sincerity I couldn’t express accumulated like a puddle on the floor. And it slowly seeped through the hole that had opened earlier.
That’s how, in the end, the words I really wanted to say poured out of my mouth.
“…I hate you.”
“…”
“I hate you, you idiot…”
In that moment, I dropped my head as if crumbling. And I rested my head on the neck I had grabbed.
“I really hate you so much. I hate everything about you. I hate every single thing about you.”
“…”
“I hate your face. Those big eyes. Even your unnecessarily warm palm. I just hate everything.”
“…”
“I hate how you always come to me affectionately. I hate how you smile even when I’m being harsh.”
“…”
“I hate everything about being able to smile through everything unlike me. Pretending to be happy in situations tougher than mine. And even trying to help me all the time. I just… I hate it all. I am…”
“…”
“I am…”
Once the sincerity that had started to flow couldn’t be controlled. The ugly part of me hidden inside Yuna was gradually revealing itself. Even the tears I had held back seemed like they would pour out now. But you didn’t step back. Instead, you approached me and called my name.
“Yuna…”
“Don’t call me that way! I am…!”
At that moment, without realizing it, I nodded my head. We looked at each other as if it were the first time. The sincerity that should have been hidden between the blurry eyes was trying to come out. I tried to lock my throat somehow, but it was already too late.
So, in the end, the truth I had to hide spilled out between my lips.
“I am not Yuna.”