60 – Because this world does not love you (5)
The rising flame spreads through the dark night in all directions. Like human life. Flames spread endlessly, covering the sky and obscuring the stars. And then it disappears. As if everything that happened was just a memory.
But because it is a flame, it leaves a fierce burning pain in the sky. Even if the soot is hidden by the pitch-black skin of the night, a clear scar remains. Nevertheless, because it is invisible to people, they accept the memory as a simple story. As an extra in this world and a retired protagonist, I tell the story to the indifferent audience.
I am an orphan who lost my mother.
I am an adulterous child whom my father killed.
I am a lost child wandering the world aimlessly.
I am a pest that endlessly harms the world.
He is a missing person who was born in the mud and did not return to the soil. He is a sinner who only becomes eligible to live once he dies.
It is death.
It’s a pile of dirt.
Raindrops come down from the gray sky and wet the blood-stained ground.
I was born with the fate of not being able to be loved, but I am a lucky person who ended up being loved.
And I am Ellen.
The fireworks that exploded ceaselessly eventually scattered beyond the ridge, leaving behind a single shooting star. I hold on to the edge of the night that has faded like a dream and struggle to figure out the identity of my life. But in the end, there was only one heat left in my hand.
I am. This is Ellen.
…
But that much was certain.
“…”
Yuna was still waiting for my story right in front of her. She was also the goddess who bestowed fate on me. Therefore, she had to force herself to open her mouth and answer.
“…”
“Ellen.”
“…”
But I couldn’t do that. I’m afraid that if I force open my closed lips, the wound that has barely begun to heal will reopen. I couldn’t answer because I was afraid that the ugly scar on the roof of my mouth would be revealed.
So, for now, I have decided to truly cover up the scar. Even though it was a thin piece of cloth that couldn’t even be used as a bandage, I had to wrap it for now.
“I am now an academy student. Eren is a student of Class A at Erendel Academy.”
“So. In the past?”
“Before I entered here…”
I grabbed the back of my head with regret. And she answered in a whisper, hoping she wouldn’t hear.
“…Very much. It was a different person.”
“What exactly?”
“That’s…”
“Don’t you want to talk?”
“I don’t mind talking about it.”
I gathered courage and answered. But that meager courage faded away before I could last even a second.
“But. I hope you don’t listen.”
“I see.”
Fortunately, Yuna was wise, so she nodded her head with a serious face. After thinking for a moment, she came a little closer to me and opened her mouth.
“But I want to hear it, Ellen. Even if it’s something I can’t handle, I hope we can share those memories together.”
“But…”
“So let’s do it this way.”
Yuna silenced me with a soft voice, and then she carefully held both of my hands. Then she completely covered her own ears with my hands.
“Yuna…?”
I couldn’t figure out what that meant, so I opened my lips in a daze. However, Yuna approached me with her eyes closed and tapped my forehead. The moment the exhilarating warmth seeped in along with the narcotic pain, Yuna’s voice was heard once again.
“If you do this, Yuna won’t be able to listen anymore.”
“Huh?”
“No matter what you say now, Yuna won’t hear it. So just talk to me.”
“Yuna. I…”
“You might not want to talk to Yuna. The arrogant daughter of a duke might not want to hear the story of us pitiful, pitiful, incompetent people. But Eren, you might not want to talk to Yuna. ..”
Yuna suddenly trailed off and raised her head slightly and kissed her softly. Even though I couldn’t touch her lips because I didn’t raise her head, her warm scent burst out like a flower bud at the tip of her nose as her anxious breath dispersed. It was so sad and nostalgic that it had a more powerful effect than any other confession drug.
“You have to talk to me, right?”
“hahahaha…”
In the end, I burst out laughing. But it wasn’t that long. Because I can’t just smile like I always do. This was not a land so dry that one had to cover oneself with laughter. Rather, it was a land of warmth where your mouth would dry out if you did not open it.
That’s why I finally opened my mouth. In order not to become a lonely, withered mummy.
“That’s… That’s right.”
“…”
She didn’t answer. I just covered Yuna’s ears and leaned her head against me. Only then was I able to open the wound. The juice that had been festering inside flowed out through the story.
“…My father was a drunkard.”
The memories that reached me went so far away. I wondered if I had made a mistake, but I didn’t have time to swallow the story that had already been told.
“He was a drunkard with very bad drinking habits. He couldn’t fall asleep unless he beat one of us, my mom and I, to death. I guess that was the only way he could quell the flames in his heart. The good news is that he was always the first thing I saw after coming home. “Because we hit people, we were able to decide our turn. Who would get hit today? Who would get hit tomorrow. We decided the turn among ourselves and gave our father a slap.”
“…”
“But at some point, it stopped being fun. I guess we both got crazy because we got so wrong. So we decided to decide the correct order through a game rather than a turn system. At first, we started with rock-paper-scissors. The loser was the one who lost. Assuming it’s tomorrow. At first, it was fun and the order was evenly distributed. But at some point, my skills started to get really good.”
“…”
“So, I changed the game from the middle to something that could be played comfortably at home. But my mom wasn’t good at those games and I wasn’t mature enough to afford to lose on purpose. In the end, I won for too long. “One day, my mother lost the game forever. I remember. My father and I decided who would bury my dead mother through rock-paper-scissors. And since I won, I got beaten to death and had to go bury my mother too.”
“…”
“And the next day, my father belatedly realized what he had done. Only after swallowing the blood of his beloved wife was he able to get over the long hangover. Only then did he decide to quit drinking. He hung himself. “I made it so I couldn’t drink alcohol forever. That’s how I became an orphan.”
“But Ellen. Last time, I didn’t even know who my father was…”
“That’s right. Because my second mother, who raised me, was single and lost her husband a long time ago. If she hadn’t met him, I would have died a long time ago. No. Maybe… She should have died before then. “I might have done it.”
I got choked up. I couldn’t tell if it was from thirst or tears. Still, I couldn’t stop talking.
“Before I met him, I did a lot of things. I did everything to survive. There was even a time when I stole from others. After getting beaten up, I swore I wouldn’t do that.”
“…”
“I shouldn’t have stolen the item that day. Because that’s why it was taken away by the owner. He doesn’t call me my parent. He used me to make money. This country, that country. I went through all kinds of hardships while crossing the line of fire. “I told him to do it and give him money. I learned so much and learned so much at that time. So I…”
“…”
“I…”
“Ellen…?”
“…”
At that moment, my throat became completely clogged. All the buried memories were shaken, and everything in my head began to fall apart. Memories that I can’t recall even if I try. A past full of holes. I felt like my vision was blurring when I closed my eyes.
“…I’ve seen too many things.”
“Ellen…”
“Maybe that’s why I’m like this now. Compared to what I saw back then, everything now feels like child’s play. The villainess’s evil deeds. The crown prince’s evil behavior. Everything just seems like a joke.”
“…”
“But I felt like the memories of the past would eat me up if I lived such a playful life, so I laughed and told weird jokes every day and forgot about the past. I threw it away. I hid it somehow. She also helped me forget. J. But…But when unforgettable memories come to mind…”
“Ellen.”
When I opened my mouth in pain, Yuna covered my head. Then he buried his face in her hair and whispered.
“You can stop now.”
“…I’d rather.”
“Stop it.”
“Maybe I should have just stayed dead…”
“Ellen.”
“I…”
“It’s okay to stop, Ellen.”
“…”
The gentle sound of her heart washed over her like a wave along with her soft voice. The stories that were flowing out finally stopped flowing. I slowly caught my breath in his arms.
“It’s okay, Ellen.”
“…”
“It’s okay. It’s really okay.”
“Whoa…”
I grabbed her arm, letting out her breath that she had been holding. Her whole body felt like it was falling apart as her buried nightmare was brought out. The last weapon that could prevent the downfall at a moment like this was a joke. I took out my last companion, the one who kept me sane in every moment.
“…It touches my heart, Yuna.”
“You’re doing it on purpose.”
“Really…? hahahaha…It’s so good…”
From Noble mtl dot com
“Speak without stuttering.”
“It’s because I’m suffocating. I guess I was hugged too deeply.”
“I’ll stay like this until you calm down.”
Yuna hugged me for such a long time. As time passed, the pounding pulse finally calmed down. Only then was I able to escape from her arms.
“Are you okay now?”
“Yes. A little.”
I smiled and nodded. Of course, I haven’t completely calmed down yet. Memories of the past were still wandering around in my head.
“But then something big happened.”
“What?”
“If you heard my secret, now you have to live with me.”
“Please. Don’t make weird jokes. It’ll make things more awkward.”
“It’s no joke.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t know what it is like for you…”
I once again leaned my head on Yuna’s shoulder. Today, those small shoulders felt very strong.
“…I don’t think I can do it without you now.”
“It’s okay. It’s the same for me too.”
Instead of pushing me away, Yuna gently stroked her head. But she seemed a little shy, so she sighed and started talking about something else.
“Ha. It was my first fireworks display in a while, but I missed it all.”
“I’m sorry, Yuna.”
“I can’t help it. Then let’s go in now. This older sister will take you to her dormitory.”
“…No. That’s okay.”
I looked at Yuna, who was confidently pounding her chest, and forced her body to stand up. Her legs were still shaking, but she felt like she had to get up.
“I have to go back. The eve isn’t over yet.”
“There’s no need to push yourself, Eren. You don’t have to go that far…”
“I have to go and see if Claes is doing it right. I also have to make sure he talks about me.”
“Ellen.”
“I don’t want to get scolded by Claes later. So let’s go. I’m fine. At least I have you.”
“…”
Yuna looked at me with her worried eyes. But she soon shook her head and stood up from her seat.
“You are so stupid.”
“It’s because I learned nothing.”
“If you say that, I have nothing to say.”
There was a sigh mixed in his voice, but fortunately, a faint smile returned. I held her hand more carefully than ever.
Remnants of the fireworks were still scattered across the sky. I held on to my trembling legs and headed towards the light. Yuna supported me in silence.
“I guess it’s not over yet.”
Even as I was wandering through the past, the main character’s hour hand was moving steadily. As I approached the podium, leaning on Yuna’s shoulder, I saw a hesitant Claes and a bowed Elise. From that alone, it was easy to predict how the situation would unfold.
“…Elise.”
As I dug through the crowd, I heard Claes’ trembling voice. In the end, he didn’t seem to be able to relax until the end, but he seemed like a pure young man, so I thought it was okay. He recited the words I had written as if he meant them.
“I may have felt like a very burdensome person to you. I tried not to show it as much as possible, but it is not hidden even if you try to hide it.”
“…”
“But actually, it’s the same for me. You’ve always been too much for me. You may not believe it, but every time I see you, I…”
“Wow. This is really the worst. Every single line is more than embarrassing, it feels like a burden. Isn’t that right, Ellen?”
“Ah…Yeah. That’s right.”
I couldn’t bear to say that the line was written by me. Moreover, hearing the words I wrote from someone else’s mouth was more embarrassing than I thought, so I tried my best to look the other way. Meanwhile, Claes kept glancing in this direction as if he had spotted me in the crowd. Every time I looked into his eyes, I felt a surge of guilt and it almost felt like I was being tortured.
“Anyway, so, Elise…”
In the midst of such a long period of torture, Claes’ lines finally reached the end. Only then did I raise my head and look at Claes’ profile. He was now approaching Elise, even his hands were shaking.
“Although it may be a little lacking…”
“…”
“That’s me. Will you get engaged?”
A very clumsy confession flowed from Claes’ mouth. I was excited because I was clumsy, and for some people, it might have been a word they had waited too long for. Even the people watching were looking at this scene with their hands folded. I glanced around and saw that some people with deep emotions even had tears in their eyes.
“Engagement….”
And it seemed the same was true for Elise. She looked up at Claes with her hands neatly clasped together. A thin smile appeared on her lips, illuminated by the starlight. Seeing that smile, Claes also finally got her smile back. In fact, the answer that would come out of her mouth was already decided.
“Good.”
“Haaa…”
The crown prince’s second confession to a lowly commoner. This time, the audience sighed rather than cheered. Maybe they too were waiting for this moment. Although the story may have been a bit sudden and surprising, once it unfolded, it had to come to a certain conclusion. I, too, could barely sigh, relieved that the conclusion had finally been reached.
But above that sigh, a word from Elise that was not in the script of fate flowed out.
“But there is one condition.”
“Huh…?”
Claes was very embarrassed by the unexpected reaction and tilted his head. Elise opened her mouth again while maintaining her smile.
“I recently came across something I want. If I have just that, I think I can happily get engaged to Claes. Is that okay?”
“Uh…Of course, Elise. You’re talking about an engagement gift, right? I’ll do anything. What do you want?”
“That’s right.”
Elise smiled as if satisfied with Claes’ positive answer. And she slowly lifted her finger.
The eyes of those watching moved at the same time to the gesture of a girl who once seemed uninteresting to anyone. Anyway, she was now the woman who would become the wife of the emperor. She could not help but look at that finger as everyone who set foot on the land of the empire. Her fingers, already filled with the power of power, wandered in the air for a while before pinpointing one exact location.
Who was once her rival. In front of the eyes of a duke’s daughter.
“Huh…?”
A cold gaze fell on Yuna’s chest. When Yuna opened her eyes wide and showed a surprised expression, Elise pushed the corners of her mouth up a little more. And, without taking her eyes off Yuna, she threw her words towards Claes.
“I want Yuna’s neck.”