#15
one word.
The true meaning of words is, unfortunately, not found in words.
the person’s behavior. gesture. Breath. pupil. the background surrounding them. flow of conversation. Myself reflected in the glass-like eyes. It takes intuition to understand the meaning behind someone’s words. The intuition is very small and consists of many elements. It was artificial. So, if it doesn’t feel intuitive, you can start by examining the little things one by one. very carefully and calmly.
could that be
I couldn’t stay calm at all.
This is also–
… …
Three years ago, Rubia rejected my confession.
In other words, it kicked me.
At that time, we had accumulated six years of time together. I thought that would be enough. Well. I guess it was lacking. So I confessed.
Even though they were already part of a family with Rubia, what the hell was she longing for more?
No, more than that, it was because I didn’t want Rubia to be taken away by someone else. As a middle school student who had just entered the school, it was a young idea.
In other words, monopoly. or possessiveness. I myself was far behind others. So, an endless feeling of inferiority.
I have now overcome all of that.
There was no reason to feel inferior.
of course.
Rubia in front of me is still bigger than me.
It’s an epic class where only the best talents on the continent gather, but my position here is the last number. 15 times. My 14 classmates above me were given higher values than me.
okay.
There were 14.
Below me, there were tens of thousands of frontier students.
Furthermore, students who would not have entered the frontier and would have gone on to the normal academy high school. They were all under me.
Completely changed from the ground up, I was able to sneak into the class of genius I had longed for.
There is no sense of inferiority to me at the moment. The never-ending desire for achievement for what I have not been able to achieve in my life, and the desire to break down the wall that stands in front of me. Based on it, the body and mind were rolling.
There was no space for the useless feeling of inferiority to exist in the tightly packed place.
it maybe.
So would love.
“… What do you want to ask?”
in my words.
An indescribable torrent of emotions swirls around. A tsunami occurred in Rubia’s eyes. All the emotions that had been encroaching on the hazy-eyed Rubia until now disappeared beyond the surface as if being swept away by the waves, and the finally regained reason rushed into the empty spot like an ebb.
“Ahh. Yes. that is… ”
A formless scream seemed to echo. It was clear now that he realized what the hell he was saying.
However, I was still only at the stage of doubt. There was an opportunity right now to just ignore the nonsense that Rubia uttered while her body was completely exhausted.
Or you could just push it away. Why, well. Things like that happen, too. Because we were childhood friends who had been together for 9 years. If you really want to be close like before, that would be absolutely impossible in a normal friendship.
So it’s a little bit more greedy. It doesn’t just end as a friend, but as a closer relationship. As a childhood friend who has been in a relationship since childhood.
If you think about it that way, you’re not really wrong.
“I, I just… No, why am I saying this… … ? that’s it Ezio… that is… … ”
Rubia’s face burned as red as a ripe peach. The heartbeat is too loud. I can hear it all here. Not empty words, really.
I know. what are you talking about
With that kind of expression on her face, she opened her mouth.
“don’t worry. The only friend I cherish the most here is you.”
“… … ”
It’s the truth without a single lie.
I could say it frankly.
Beyond our class, the entire Frontier. other space. The person who still occupies a unique position among the human relationships around me was Rubia.
Because you valued it that much, even at the risk of an unstable future, you somehow decided to forgive her, worrying about her exhausted mind and body.
However, even if it is a false forgiveness, sometimes situations arise where you have to force yourself even though you know what the outcome will be.
You may regret it someday. Then, as always, I will try my best to ensure that there are no regrettable results. Don’t give up, just bump into it. In the end, I was going to make them so they wouldn’t suffer because of me. certainly. somehow.
“friend… yes. right. we are friends… are you?”
Rubia looked like she was smiling. Even though I said that I would treat you like before, I can’t understand the true meaning of the smile that seems not to be very satisfied. Because I didn’t really want to think about it.
Suddenly, Rubia’s face was filled with water.
“… sorry. Ezio.”
Why are you apologizing?
Then it wouldn’t be
calmly asks
“… huh? why? And don’t be sorry. I like to hear you say thank you.”
“Ugh, that’s not it.”
Rubia shook her head slowly.
“… … When I was in middle school, I left you alone. I think you make me uncomfortable, so you don’t approach me the way I want… I think it’s all my fault that I’m so far away from you. So sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. Rubia.”
Rubia has nothing to apologize for.
I wish I hadn’t confessed in the first place. If I didn’t turn down Rubia’s favor for my convenience. If we hadn’t been crazy about reading to make up for the emptiness and loss of our first love relationship—— our friendship could have lasted.
of course… It was impossible from the beginning.
For a very long time, I painstakingly cared for my feelings for Rubia, and finally I was able to get rid of them all.
Before that, no matter what I did, Rubia and I wouldn’t be able to re-establish the relationship I had before.
“It’s not that far away from anything. We are still friends.”
“… … ”
He wanted sympathy and shrugged his shoulders a little.
However, Rubia was a fool.
“… Actually, I’m a little scared.”
“what?”
“Ezio, you… While it was gone, it was very, very difficult. I’ve been to all the places I went with you. Where I went on a family trip. home town too. But, I can’t find you anywhere… … It was very hard. I was scared. It’s like you’re gone forever.”
“I’m here, Rubia.”
“yes. know. Thanks for coming back, Ezio. … But, if you go away again. I really can’t stand it anymore. I want you to stay by my side. I don’t want you to go anywhere.”
“Where are you not going? I will be here.”
“Ugh, I know that too. So thank you and I’m sorry.”
I just wanted to calm down.
Tears were dripping from under my eyelids.
was crying As always.
Once again, I gently wiped it with a handkerchief, but this time, unlike before, he seemed to be actively entrusting me with his hair.
As he removed the handkerchief, his green eyes that seemed to be somewhat regretful were slowly revealed. Let out even a small sigh. A young strange heat in the breath. His eyes seemed to be longing for something more.
I didn’t chew or swallow anything, but a bitter taste lingered in my mouth. maybe that’s it I want to do someone’s request. But it is impossible to listen. In the end, it was just bittersweet.
“Ezio.”
“yes. Say it.”
“I have one more scary thing.”
“… … What?”
Rubia’s sincerity showed well on her face. It seems that I hide it by hiding it myself, but I can’t deceive my eyes even if other people don’t know. Now, as if he had dreamed of a ghost when he was a child, he was terrified of a small amount of fear. In other words, it was a face that was really afraid of something.
“If I go on like this, I don’t know what will happen to me.”
“… What does that mean?”
I’ll wipe away all my tears
As I was about to fold the handkerchief and put it in my arms, Rubia gently wrapped her hand around my hand that was stroking my face.
Like a small child, he swarms and refuses to let go.
Suddenly, I found unstable-shaped nails at the tips of Rubia’s white, thin fingers. Only that part was extremely short and round, so it looked like a file was used.
“I’m weird these days.”
“I know.”
‘Cause I’m sure it’s still
So I brought Rubia here.
“If you are sick, take a break. Don’t overdo it.”
“That’s not it.”
“… … then?”
what are you afraid of
“I always thought of you, but now. Now just… Ezio, I can only think of you. All day.”
“… … ”
“If you can’t see me, I’m worried. I want to talk to you more. I know I’m not qualified, but I wanted to be forgiven by you, and things I couldn’t tell you in middle school. hours. I want to fill it up again from now on.”
“… … don’t do it what’s the problem?”
Unexpectedly, Rubia’s condition seemed to be serious. Moreover, even the foreboding that I thought would cease to be an illusion was not wrong. The reason Rubia was having such a hard time was only because of me.
That feeling was hard to describe.
“I don’t know you in middle school. However… It wasn’t his friend.”
“… … who?”
Rubia didn’t answer.
I wasn’t really expecting that either.
Because- we both knew who it was. So there was no need to answer the question properly. Even though Rubia didn’t say anything, I quietly opened my mouth. I ask, I answer
“It’s Mu.”
“yes.”
Now, without knowing it, we broke up.
my ex-girlfriend.
Rubia also knew by accident that Mew and I were dating. You said so to me on the promenade at night. I just told the truth, and there was no further conversation.
“I don’t know you… … He seemed to know a lot. When you disappeared, and the situation you were in at that time… What I didn’t know, he knew.”
it would have been Because I sent you a letter. I don’t know anything about what was written inside until I asked Mew.
“It’s natural. was your lover I only knew that he was a close junior, but then I found out that Ezio was your precious person. Then it is only natural that I know a lot of you that I do not know.”
Rubia’s face, who said it was natural, didn’t look like that at all.
“… I am.”
momentary silence.
“I felt a little envious of him.”
“… … what?”
“Just, everything.”
It was a vague answer. I was not satisfied.
Still, I listened intently.
Eventually, as if he was not comfortable asking such a question, he asked me with a more cautious look.
“With that friend, now… … Isn’t it?”
“… … yes. right.”
I didn’t know that I would come this far and think of Mew.
Seeing my bitter smile, Rubia closed her mouth and lowered her gaze.
after a while.
“… So it was.”
“… … what?”
“It’s over after all. I was afraid of such an ending. Perhaps one of the reasons I rejected you was that fear… … most would have been Because I didn’t want to lose you, who was like a family. And yet… Because I didn’t know anything.”
“… … ”
“But it was all in vain. Ezio moved away from you, and in the end, I couldn’t even stand by your side during your most difficult times. What’s the use of this? While you’re away, I… … I’ve always been lonely I should have been happy just to have you by my side in any form. I was selfishly greedy on my own, and on the contrary, I ruined everything.”
Couldn’t find a proper answer. What does Rubia need right now, who blames herself for things she shouldn’t blame herself for? Am I going to leave my hand still, which is wrapped around me like a support for my heart?
“Ezio.”
Even today, you call my name several times.
“yes.”
“That friend… Did you love me?”
“… … ”
Why are you asking such a question?
I didn’t really want to answer.
If you do, it will float.
A lot of time before I can fully love Mew. It has already turned gray and left as a past memory, but every time I look back on it, I suddenly realize how much I valued the pale pink girl in front of me.
“okay. I loved you.”
I still don’t know how it is.
He said with unshaken eyes. Rubia’s body met my eyes and trembled slightly. He also bit his lower lip slightly.
“… … I see.”
What were you so worried about?
Rubia, who had been silent for a while, finally spoke.
“Then, Ezio.”
How many times will this be——
“You still have me… Are you in love?”
That means.
It was a bit disconcerting.
… … Rubia was nice. In other words, it was pure.
But sometimes it was too glamorous.
Mainly in a bad sense.
If someone knew how to handle pure rubia, they would be able to control her without difficulty. There is nothing more perishable than unrefined purity.
both to you and to me.
The question was not helpful at all.
I would have known what the answer would be from me, maybe even myself. I know, but I’m asking.
What is the reason? Is it to make sure of something? Abandonment or hope? Rubia’s question was so confusing that I didn’t even know what I was thinking.
When it comes to organizing all those thoughts.
One word was enough.
“Sorry.”
“… … ”
What Rubia was probably hoping for.
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it happen.
… … It was quiet and gloomy.
Time stopped there.
Rubia, who had been making eye contact with me for a while, suddenly waved her hand. Time, which had been hardened, moves again. I carefully pulled my hand out of hers.
Handkerchiefs were not included.
Because it was still useful.
Suddenly, Rubia covered her mouth slowly. It seems you don’t want to see me. Unsightly crying face, expression. The sound of crying coming out of your mouth.
That was a surprisingly good move.
Because I also didn’t want to see Rubia’s crying face. I didn’t really want to understand why she suddenly burst into tears in front of me.
… … maybe.
Such sincerity as the first and last day.
It was only after her body and mind were pushed to the edge of a cliff and vomited out all the words she would not normally have said—— Rubia finally realized everything and cried out in a difficult voice.
“Then, then I… … If, I, now, Ezio you… Even if it sounds like you’re in love… … ”
“… … ”
“We, we… because it’s a friend we shouldn’t be like that That’s right, Ezio… ? I’m right… … ?”
“… … ”
My brain went cold.
… The truth of words is.
Really funny.
not found in horses
I want a negative consent.
If you are looking at me with such desperate and mournful eyes—— What kind of answer should I give?
… … It was a really long time.
After wandering aimlessly, we turned around and eventually met again.
Just as Rubia didn’t know me in the past, I also don’t know anything about what happened to Rubia.
You won’t know anything until we talk in detail. Even if we talk, there are still many things we don’t know. Because we weren’t with each other back then.
You’ll find out from now on.
They probably couldn’t get to know each other at all. Because it was clearly an act that crossed the line.
“… yes. You’re right, Rubia.”
Whoops.
I stepped back a little from my sitting position.
I don’t want to see Rubia cry, so when I close my eyes, I hear a soft voice in my ear like an auditory hallucination.
– Sorry. I’m sorry, Ezio… But I don’t want to go away from Ezio… I want Ezio to remain as my precious friend forever and ever… Is it my greed? Am I going to be a bad person? Is not it?… …
— No, it was me who was bad. Okay. As you said, we will always be best friends.
“We will always be close friends.”
— … Really? really with me… Are you still going to be friends? Can we talk like we used to?
“I will continue to be friends with you. We can talk together like before. I promise that. certainly.”
Rubia shrugs very little.
like it wasn’t.
Rubia’s head gradually bends downward. dripping, dripping. Dark circles are stamped on the red carpet one by one. The cry grew violently and then decreased repeatedly. I couldn’t offer any consolation.
He handed over the handkerchief he was holding.
I didn’t receive it, so I held it still, so I held it in my hand.
Rubia’s fingertips trembled.
He seemed to want to grab something.
I clasped my hands, then let them go.
Suddenly looking back, the teacup on the table was no longer steaming hot.
I missed the time to drink.
“… … ”
… … Are you regretting it?
For that.
“Now that means… … It’s too late, Rubia.”
Is Rubia listening to me now?
it would have been
Because I heard it, I would have cried even louder.
“Ezi, Ezio, I… me… … ”
“Let’s not do this. we.”
Once upon a time, I suddenly remembered a nonsensical request from a junior to pretend that something that had already happened had never happened. In the end, that request came true.
“Just… … I’ll do what you didn’t hear.”
Rubia was not in a normal state either. I won’t be able to make a good decision. It could have been an impulsive feeling, a mixture of possessiveness and obsession that was not like her. Everyone understands. only about once. I was able to close my eyes on her mistake. That was right. If he thought about it again after taking a good rest, he would be able to carefully reflect on what he was saying and doing.
… … So, it doesn’t show.
My face that I don’t even know. A fist clenched so tightly that her skinny nails dig into it. The weight of the many things I had to put down to give her up. My eyes filled with those things that I couldn’t even leave.
… You can’t come and do this now.
Rubia.
How much can I do to make your wish come true? …
He swallowed a hot sigh through his throat. I tried to be as calm as possible, but I couldn’t.
The rocking chair creaked constantly. Rubia crouched on top of it was pouring out a shrill cry. It was difficult to predict what he would feel.
Even if that was really coming from Rubia’s heart, nothing could be known. Right now.
… I didn’t bring Rubia for this.
It was dizzy. I felt dizzy.
To cool off my hot, hot head for a moment, I got out of my seat. He picked up the already-cooled teacup and drank the liquid in it at once, set it down on the table again, and walked towards the door of the hut.
It may have been a bit of a strenuous step. The inside of the hut seemed to thump. Rubia was crying behind me, and I turned my back on her and spoke quietly with a small sigh.
“… I’m calming down. Let’s talk again later.”
—A little profit… … thud.
I opened the door and went outside.
He stood still for a while.
The blue sky was terribly clear.
… … bruises, bruises.
I walked to the bench around the pond and sat down helplessly.
“… … ”
I closed my eyes.
A deep, dark veil overshadowed my vision.
the sound of running water. grasshopper sound. The sound of leaves rustling in the wind. Everything was comfortable.
It was as if my mind, which had been complicated as if it was about to explode in the same space as Rubia, was being washed away in an instant like a clear waterfall.
A smirk came out involuntarily.
Because it was funny.
It’s not normal to have an uncomfortable relationship when we’re together.
— Hib, heh… Ezio… …
“… … ”
With the tightly closed cabin door in between.
Rubia bowed her head and wept, and I just looked up at the clouds and the sky, silently passing by.
I feel like it’s really too late for Rubia
Ohh, he kicked her.