100 – Impoverishment
1)
Today is the weekend.
It’s usually the time to get ready for work, but I don’t work on Sundays.
So I just lie down on the bed and do nothing like a corpse.
Living day by day is like dying day by day.
Safety audit.
I want to work for the director at first.
When I said, I will leave to find a job separately after the safety audit period is over.
I think I said that. Of course, it was clear that if I said it honestly, I would jump up and go crazy… I didn’t say that part.
To be honest, I wanted to kill myself.
Because I didn’t feel a reason to be alive. Living is harder than dying. You don’t have to live.
I didn’t want to suffer like this anymore.
Until now, I’ve been slitting my wrists or strangling my neck… But it’s just painful, because they keep running around to save me before my life ends.
So this time I thought I was going to fall off a construction site or off a bridge with the feeling that I was going to commit suicide so fast that no one had time to put their hands on me.
If a person, rich or poor, falls from a tall building, he will die instantly.
No amount of money can save a person who has fallen from a building.
I realized that I can no longer do things that I want to see the hard-working Yoo Seon-i’s face, and to rot my insides by pressing down on my heart that I want to talk to at least once.
Just watching from a distance- Worrying about being hated every day… Also, I want to keep seeing Yoo Seon-i, I love her, and I want to always be by her side. I feel so pathetic and stupid that I can’t approach easily.
I don’t want to scare you, I don’t want to make you tremble with fear. Because the existence of me is a pain for Yoo Seon.
So I was worried about running into them.
The first time I went to the construction site with my grandfather, I couldn’t sleep that night.
Did Yoo Seon see me too? What was Yoo Seon-i thinking?
I was so curious about that that day, even though I drank a lot of alcohol that my grandfather gave me, I would stay up all night without sleep.
I started the safety audit because I wanted to see if Yoo Seon was well at the scene.
He needed a reason to visit the place once more… So he got the job.
For the first few weeks, whether Yoo Seon-i was scared or he was embarrassed-I don’t know, but he didn’t show up.
It’s okay. It’s okay… Because, he expected it to come out like this.
This must be my karma too.
We only briefly met face to face, but I calmly accepted the truth because the mistake I made to Yoo Seon was so great that he ran away.
Rather, there will be no hesitation when it comes to ending one’s life.
I feel so ashamed and resentful of my life, which is stained with despair, resignation, impoverishment and regret, and I resent myself for living like this until now.
Can I die if I put a streetlight on my way home from work?
If you hit that truck over there, you’ll feel comfortable.
I want to jump on the crane. Dozens or hundreds of times a day. I thought so.
In fact, there have been times when I came to my senses and was startled to see myself getting ready to run through the dusty trucks.
If I continue like this, I will die before the safety audit is over.
Still, this is what I said I would do- I want to die after finishing everything.
When I go, I want to leave a lasting impression on my grandfather.
I want to keep my promise to the director.
…Even if you think so in your heart, if you turn around again, what… Does it matter anyway…? If you die anyway, you’re south.
How can I die comfortably?
I could see myself thinking that way.
I was walking a tightrope between life and death when a big incident happened to me.
Yeon Seon-i.
Yeon Seon, who seemed unlikely to come to our site again, has reappeared.
…Yoo Seon came to this site to work.
I also came here to work very steadily.
There were many times when I took a break from work… But once I started working, I continued to work for days or weeks.
If you look at it numerically, Yoo Seon-i’s attendance rate is about 15 to 16 days a month.
If I take Saturdays and Sundays off, I could see Yoo Seon-i’s face for three weeks.
Yoo Seon worked hard, so I just… I think I worked hard.
Because when I’m at home, I’m lying in bed and I’m not doing anything… But when I go to the field, it’s easy to get suspicious if the wires are just spinning around like satellites.
At least I finished all my work, and watched Yoo Seon during break time. I just liked that.
But can I do this?
The original plan was to just watch from a distance so as not to get in the way… As time passed, greed began to rise in my heart once again after I had put everything down.
Because safety inspectors also have to take care of the convenience of workers.
Using that reason as an excuse, I suggested to the director to build shelters for workers in several places so that Yoo Seon-i could work even a little more comfortably, and to provide a lot of rest time.
We try to listen to safety regulations and workers’ grievances. …As they worked hard on safety, the faces of the grandfather and the director began to brighten little by little…
Recently, I work hard on makeup and skin care, which I haven’t done since high school, for the moment I run into Yoo Seon.
Buying new clothes, trying to eat all the meals… Lately, I’ve been cutting my wrists or drinking too much. I never did anything like compulsively swallowing pills.
At some point, the headache that felt like my heart would tear and my head would explode gradually disappeared.
I am startled whenever I see myself working hard and somehow creating opportunities to approach Yoo Seon.
I didn’t decide to do this- I was supposed to just watch from afar… Like seasoning a dish, I’m checking to see how far Yoo Seon-i can accept me.
Do you really want to commit suicide?
I was determined to die…
It doesn’t make sense for a person who will die soon to eat well, sleep well- and… Buy new clothes…
I don’t know. …I recently bought a car.
My usual car draws too much attention- so I bought a compact SUV driven by girls my age.
With this, I can park my car in the same parking lot as the wired parking lot without paying attention.
…Wire…
… I checked the paper I put on my desk the day before.
A piece of paper with Kang Yoo-seon’s address written on it.
I shouldn’t have seen this either… Because safety audits have to take care of the workers’ convenience- Again, using those useless excuses as comfort…
I was looking through Yoo Seon’s personal information.
I found out one surprising fact.
Yu Seon was living in her apartment. It is also an apartment that is rising in price these days.
The apartment with a smooth upward curve was not something a man in his 20s with no background could afford.
From noble mtl dot com
How can Yoo Seon, who graduated from an orphanage, live in an apartment like this?
Now that it’s like this, I have no choice but to go and check it myself.
…Is this also what a safety audit should do…?
And should I check it again on weekends when Yoo Seon doesn’t go to work?
Several questions passed through my mind… But I’ve already walked too far to think about such things…?
I appreciate safety.
I want to be Yoo Seon’s guardian angel.
I want to worry about Yusun so he doesn’t go down a bad path, help him if he needs something, and help him live happily.
So… I ended up near the house where Yoo Seon-i lived.
…It shouldn’t be like this. I made up my mind not to live like this again, but I ended up doing something I would regret.
I’m still worried – whether I eat well, sleep well, and whether bad people around me bother me.
When I see Yoo Sun at work every day, I feel anxious and go crazy. What if you get hurt while working?
I don’t work because of those worries- I keep seeing Yoo Seon-i.
Wouldn’t it be better for my spirit to see Yoo Seon-ie living on the weekend rather than worrying about how she is doing over the weekend?
I think I’ll die otherwise.
I feel like I’m really going crazy… It’s hard now to keep waiting for Monday to come while biting my nails anxiously…
After I parked the car at the entrance of Seon Yoo’s apartment, I waited for him to come out. She kept going for hours… She was just looking at the entrance to the apartment.
Are you planning on doing nothing today and resting at home?
…I want to go home, but it’s only 9 am.
She’s been waiting at the entrance of the apartment since 5:00 a.M., But I’ve only waited 4 hours yet. Let’s watch a little bit more. Just a little more… I’ll wait just three more hours and then go back home.
The moment I made up my mind, Yoo Seon appeared in front of me.
Yoo Seon was not alone.
A pair of sweet lovers slipped through the front door.
I don’t know what kind of conversation they’re talking about with their arms crossed, but-as soon as I saw Yoo Seon-i talking with a happy smile… I shed some tears.
That smile, that laugh that is no longer allowed to me. That sweet talk. I wasn’t the one who received Yoo’s love.
The woman next to Yoo Seon is someone I know.
Once upon a time, the future was a murder case. Regarding the trial, she could tell because I had seen her face once…
The memory of that day is so strong for me that I can’t forget or confuse it.
Why is the girl I talked to with Yoo Seon..? Why..?
She’s that child. I heard she’s definitely in daycare, but what are you doing so close to Yu Seon holding her arm?
What the hell are you talking about, is Yoo Seon-yi laughing like that?
Why? When I say it, I don’t need it all the time – no. No- I only said that… Why does Yoo Seon-i smile when you say it..?
I sprinted out the car door and slowly followed behind, trying to suppress my desire to separate the two of them.
It looked blurry like watercolor smeared on water, but that doesn’t matter.
The two of them didn’t have a car, so the two of them took a bus and went around all the time.
So I was able to tail them both in my car.
I go to cafes, to lakeside parks, to delicious restaurants, and to bars. There were times when I almost got caught stepping on my back, but I was able to get over it without any doubt.
Yoo Seon is a sensitive kid, so if I make a small mistake, he immediately notices and shows that way.
Every moment I was with him was fun and happy, I was so happy, I couldn’t afford to think that someone else was watching me or following me.
…Those expressions I’ve never shown before. Caring, kind, trustworthy, and cool, I showed the child everything without hiding it.
Me too… To be honest, I also… I hope Yoo Seon can feed me delicious food like that child.
I also want to see the lake park together, I want to talk about various things while having a drink, I want to hold hands without saying anything without saying anything, I want to sit on a bench and lean on Yoo Seon-i’s shoulder to rest,
I want to choose clothes that suit each other and give them as gifts… Me too… There are many things I want to do with Yu Seon…
I… I… I’m just afraid that Yoo Seon will be afraid, and I don’t want to be hated by Yoo Seon anymore. I can’t do anything and just hide in the corner- why… Why are you…
I just watched them from afar after drinking at a raw fish restaurant.
My palm hurts, so when I checked to see why, my fingernails dug into my palm… It hurts.
But it’s over now. I don’t need to see any more.
I thought I might have had a drink, but of course I thought the two of them were going home- naturally… I could see them going into a nearby motel.
I’m not stupid. It was so easy to predict what was going to happen there in the future.
…Why…? Why..? Are you going in there?
The scene of the child pushing Yoo Seon-i to the ground and shaping Yoo Seon-i’s arms and legs just as she would like to sleep was automatically pictured in my mind.
…I don’t like that, but I can’t…
“… Ha… Not…”
My voice didn’t come out. If I shout louder here, Yoo Seon will be surprised to hear it.
Again- I was afraid that they would see me and tremble with fear… I couldn’t even scream… I just watched Yoo Seon-i and her child enter the motel, but I couldn’t do anything…