83 – Returning Home – End
“…Uh…Uhhhhh…”
As soon as I woke up, I ran to the bathroom and emptied myself.
Perhaps it’s because I didn’t eat much, only clear water came out, but since it doesn’t stop and continues, I feel like my intestines are about to burst.
“…”
Briskly, I washed my mouth under running water and walked back to bed.
Every time I took a step, I could feel a round bottle of alcohol rolling around on the soles of my feet.
How many bottles have I drunk so far? How long can I keep drinking like this? Will my liver survive if I keep drinking like this?
I don’t know. I can’t sleep if I don’t drink – what should I do?
A large mirror in the corner of the room. I threw an object and it was smashed in half, and I looked tired in the mirror with a cracked surface like a spider’s web.
He looks weak and tired- I can feel that he is drying up as time goes on.
In the past, Yoo Seon-i tidied up my hair, and my hair looked good. My hair, which I praised so much, is now completely crumbly, and if I give it a little bit of strength like this, it will break off with a crunch…
“…Yoo…Yoo Seon-ah…”
Since Yoo Seon thinks about it, I miss Yoo Seon.
But I can’t see it. Yoo Seon said he wished I would disappear from this world.
I didn’t want to part with Yoo Seon until the very end.
But because Yoo Seon hates me being around him, he thinks of me terribly.
I want to see Yoo Seon-ie happy, but she can’t be happy if I’m by her side.
So…So I… Tried to stay stuck in a place where Yu Seon couldn’t come… But now I can’t do that either.
Because I’m such a lousy scum that I can’t even live in a foreign country properly.
The weather abroad is always gloomy, it rains every day, and there aren’t many sunny days.
And yet, I was surrounded by strangers and strangers every day, and I only studied what I didn’t want to do- but… But I worked hard.
Because everyone wants me to live like this.
Yoo Seon wants me to go unnoticed. That’s what he said, and his grandfather also wanted me to continue the family business.
So… So I worked hard.
Because I’ve never made other people happy before.
Still, if I’m stuck here, at least Grandpa, Yoo Seon.
Because I was able to satisfy the two of them for sure… I tried hard… But at some point it just became difficult to live like that.
It was difficult to solve difficult tasks every day. There are people who are racially discriminatory against international students, and I felt very lonely when I was alone.
It’s sad, but it’s hard and painful… I’ve never laughed once while studying abroad.
I always wore gloomy clothes. In the past, I only wore pretty and flashy clothes because I wanted to look good for Yoo Seon.
…Seonah Yoo…
Like when I was in elementary or middle school… But then, Yoo Seon-i was by my side, but now there is no one by my side.
I came back to my old self- the snarky Jin-a… But there was no Yu-seon by my side anymore.
To have to accept the fact that there is no one to protect me even if I fall apart again.
It was really hard for me to admit that fact.
As the days went by, I became more and more depressed.
I accidentally walk on the street in a daily life where it seems that if it gets worse, it will get worse and not get better.
I came across a building. Large clock tower.
If you look at that in the past, ask Yoo Seon to see that clock tower, and cross the undersea tunnel again… You can go to the continent.
From noble mtl dot com
There are no borders here, so you can go anywhere you want. So, let’s organize the tourist spots you want to visit by country, and go together with me! Every day, I remembered talking to Yoo Seon…
…I miss you… It’s hard… I’m scared…
On the double-decker bus going home, I sat down on my seat and cried like an idiot while giggling to myself.
After that, I don’t really remember.
I always drink and empty his mind whenever I get Yu Seon’s thoughts in his head.
When I woke up that day- I was lying in the hospital.
My wrist was bandaged, doctor. And the nurses… Even the housekeepers who help with the housework – they all looked at me with worried eyes.
I… I wonder what I was thinking at the time. If I had cut my wrists deeper in the bathtub, the housekeeper would have died before she even found me—all I could think of was a pity.
The fact that I did such a thing also reached my grandfather’s ears, and I boarded a plane and returned to Korea.
…. From the first year of high school until the age of 23.
I was abroad for roughly 7 years – I came back to Korea, but nothing has changed in my life.
For a long time, Korea has changed a lot somewhere, and there was no place for me to be there.
I was treated as a stranger everywhere, both in foreign countries and in Korea… That’s why I’m scared to meet people, and I’m scared to get close to them.
So I didn’t do anything, lay in bed every day and go to sleep- If I had nothing to do, I’d drink.
Also- These days, I was prescribed medicine at the psychiatrist, but it doesn’t seem to be very effective.
They said that if you take medicine, you can sleep without thinking about it, so I just wanted to sleep for the rest of my life without doing anything, so I swallowed the pills all at once – let alone sleep – all I could hear was coughing… My head hurt like it would break.
If I lie down and moan again- I just… I remember everything that happened in the past, every day.
I always dream the same dream.
Things with mom and dad that I don’t want to remember. The bad guys who bullied me in elementary school.
And… Yoo Seon-i.
Yoo Seon… I’ll put up with everything else. Yoo Seon gives me a hard time. The wired wire that protected me from her kids, her mom beat me up and bullied me.
He always plays with me on the playground, eats with me, and tells me funny stories. Whenever I recall the memory of that time, one side of my heart warms up and I feel good.
That day, Yoo Seon-i told me this story. She always acted like that when eating ramen. I don’t like red bean bread because it’s really sweet, but I ate all of the bread that Yoo Seon-i split in half and shared.
Depression.
They say that the most difficult time for depressed patients is not the most difficult time.
The moment when your condition improves beyond the most difficult times. When you realize that you have come out of a sweet dream and come back to a cruel reality.
They say it’s the hardest time when the mood starts to sink to the bottom once again.
A lot of people die at that time. …I didn’t die at first, but I think I might die next time.
My throat is tingling, and my wrists and ankles also hurt. If I apply a little force, I think blood will ooze out of the bandages I’ve tied.
“…Seonah Yoo…”
I want to drink… I want to drink.
But her grandfather is taking medicine, but she tells her not to eat because drinking alcohol will damage her liver.
But… I can’t sleep without it – I always think about Yoo Seon. Sorry. I’m so sorry… I don’t know how to give love, I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t know how to accept a breakup… I miss you. I always regret it. Why did I do that? I was really scared. I like Yoo Seon the most, but I was always afraid that he wouldn’t like me the most. So I… I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry, Yoo Seon-ah. I miss you. I want to apologize. I want to ask for forgiveness, but I can’t. Because, I only hurt the wired heart. If Yoo Seon sees me, he will hate me. You will hate you will be scared I only want to see Yoo Seon-ie happy… Because when she sees me, Yoo Seon-ie is having a hard time- Because just being in this world makes her tremble–Because I’m a pain to Yoo Seon-ie- So- Just People like me should disappear from this world…
I want to draw my wrist, but I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have anything to hang in my house for fear of hanging myself. I straightened his fingernails, loosened the bandages around his wrists, and started tearing at the wounds that hadn’t healed yet with my fingers.
The blood drips in drops.
I know very well that there is no use in doing this.
Since all the people are going out with the camera in my room anyway- So I kept tying it up until I calmed down…
…I am… I don’t really want to die.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
But if you die here, you won’t be able to see Yoo Seon.
It’s fine even once, so I don’t even want you to be happy because of me.
I want to see Yoo Seon-i at least once at my feet. I want to see how you’re doing and whether you’re eating well, but… I can’t.
Because I can’t look at Yoo Seon. I made a promise to myself.
I will never touch Yoo Seon. It’s okay for me to be tattered, but I don’t think it’s okay to hurt Yoo Sun. So… I didn’t even ask someone to investigate Yu Seon’s background.
-Beee…Beee…
My mobile phone is all smashed. Looking at the screen full of cracks like a spider’s web, it was my grandfather. It must be because of what just happened, right?
Answer the phone. It’s the same anyway. Your body is fine, don’t think nonsense. Even if you roll in dog poop, this victory is better.
Grandpa has a weak heart.
I know better than anyone that drinking alcohol is harmful to health, but when I’m like this, he buys me a drink. Because… If you don’t buy me a drink, I might hurt myself not on my wrist, but on my neck next time!
But… First of all, on days when I buy alcohol… I go to the hospital with my grandfather, and then… I go to the place where I work and go on a field trip.
Ten minutes, just that much…? Because, to other people in the company I’m working. I have to show that kind of thing-… So I have no choice but to go… I don’t want to go…
But I can’t drink unless I go. If I don’t drink, I can’t erase Yoo Seon-i in my head…
So… In order to forget Yoo Seon-i… I started getting ready to go out while clenching my teeth and putting on the clothes scattered on the floor.