40 – The First Kiss Tasted Like Tear-Soaked Lettuce (1)
A dense darkness descended from the frosty sky. It seemed that even the moon refused to rise today, as dim light failed to reach the corners of the room. Though faint glimmers sent forth by the stars touched the edges of the bed, I chose to hide even deeper in the shadows. I feared that if I exposed myself like that, my body might crumble into the black void of the universe.
With such futile hopes, I huddled my body. Embracing my legs with both arms and burying my head on my knees, the memories of today spread like frost along with the chill. The foolish words I uttered, the unnecessary wrinkles on my face, and the shattered expression on Ellen’s face, whom I saw for the first time.
…
Really. It’s the worst.
I pronounced this judgment on myself, bowing my head even lower. The scent of Yuna, carried by the cold wind, permeated deeper into the guilt. Could it get any worse than this? The already crumbling self-esteem sank even deeper.
I thought I could push away before getting hurt. I believed that it would end without anyone getting hurt. But that was just my delusion. In the end, I didn’t push him away; I only caused wounds. I could have just passed by without knowing anything about Ellen.
And if I couldn’t push him away, why did I make such a confession?
I’d rather not confess at all than make a confession like that.
…
Sniff…
Meanwhile, a sound echoed again from my stomach. An unworthy hunger was demanding to be filled. I couldn’t even force a bitter laugh now; I just felt disgusted with myself.
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Come to think of it, I was in a similar state just before the possession. After completing ‘For Elise,’ I spent several days huddled, unable to resist hunger, and eventually stuffed food into my mouth. I didn’t even have the courage to order delivery, so I asked Ari for help, and I even sent a message to my mom. I said that I hated myself so much that tears flowed while swallowing food.
In the end, I didn’t move a single step forward from that time.
My appearance just changed a little. From a stupid nerd who couldn’t find his own path and was manipulated by his mother to a nerd who could only study.
The nickname I gave myself clung to my chest cruelly. My trembling fingers were now digging into the flesh of my arms. I even began to think that I wanted to die. It felt like the only way for Yuna to be happy.
But I didn’t even have the courage for that. The courage to die twice was no longer within me.
…
Sorry, Yuna.
Really. I’m sorry.
I closed my mouth, leaving behind such a worthless apple. I just want to disappear like this, my existence fading into the endless darkness without a trace.
Now, that was the only wish.
…
…
…
Tap. Tap. Tap.
“…”
Then, a sound came from the window beside me.
Despite knowing I shouldn’t, I instinctively cast my gaze in that direction. There, at the precarious edge of the window, the form of someone was seen. A somewhat sturdy shadow that warmed the heart just by looking at it. Even without scrutinizing closely, I could tell who it was.
How did they manage to climb up here so high? Despite the curiosity filling my mind, I deliberately averted my gaze and turned my back. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, nor did I want to inflict pain. Like Yuna, Ellen would probably be happier without me.
Tap. Tap.
“…”
Once again, the knocking sound echoed, and I turned away with all my might. I fervently hoped that Ellen wouldn’t forcefully open the window and come in. I had no idea how to face him anymore. If only I could show a pained expression from the back, I would desperately plead. Please leave me alone. Just, go away.
…
Whether such a wish reached Ellen or not, the knocking gradually subsided, and a heavy silence descended once again. I sighed with some relief. Yes, Ellen. Just go. Don’t get hurt because of me. Don’t wear that gloomy expression, just go back as it is.
I am not someone worth caring about.
With that thought, I lowered my head again.
But then, suddenly, a bright light shone from behind.
“…?”
The unexpectedly shining beam in the deep midnight pushed away the darkness in the room, filling my vision. The light was like a lighthouse illuminating a dark sea, hopeful, and even warm. For a moment, I wondered if the sun had already risen.
However, I soon regained my composure and lowered my head. No, it must be Ellen conjuring up a ball of light with magic. It was basic magic, and there was no need to pay much attention. Thinking so, as I was about to lower my head again, my gaze was suddenly drawn to a sight that appeared before my eyes.
It was my shadow reflected on the wall.
It was a mundane and natural sight, but strangely, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Yuna’s unremarkable, crumpled shadow was too small compared to the massive light source. The blurred boundary even gave me the illusion that my reflection inside Yuna was facing me.
Although it was just an illusion, that transcendental sight captivated my gaze for a long time. It might have invoked a sense of nostalgia to see my reflection after such a long time.
While staring at the shadow, I inadvertently tilted my head. The shadow, too, seemed to tilt its head while looking at me. It felt like watching a play. The stage was my room, the spotlight was Ellen, and I was the humble and unimpressive unknown actor playing Yuna. Thus, I gazed at my own reflection for quite some time.
And another actor began to approach me.
At the edge of the light, above the diagonal of my shadow, Ellen’s hand shadow approached. But it wasn’t just a hand. With the palm gracefully spread and the thumb pointing up, what approached seemed to have a certain shape. Absently gazing with blurry eyes, I could easily deduce that it was a puppy.
“…Ah.”
Shadow play. It’s been a while. When memories from my childhood, which were few, revived, I unconsciously let out a bitter laugh. However, the smile didn’t fully bloom, just lingering around my lips. Still, for some reason, my eyes were drawn to the fake puppy in the shadow.
‘…’
The puppy, sensing my gaze, slowly approached. Without rushing, one step at a time. The puppy stopped right next to my shoulder and, as if asking for a pat, lowered its head towards me.
‘…!’
“…”
But because I really wasn’t in the mood for that, I didn’t reach out my hand. Then, the puppy shook its body as if disheartened and wagged its nose towards me. It even looked like its ears were drooping, making it seem as if it were a dead plant.
For some reason, it felt a bit like looking at myself.
‘…’
After leaving it alone for a while, it suddenly perked up, raising its head as if whining. No matter how determined I was, it wasn’t easy to just stand by and watch. I eventually admitted defeat and raised my hand slightly. Then, with the shadow reflected in the light, I gently touched the puppy’s head.
‘…!!!’
Just a gentle touch, and the puppy shook its head as if in joy, then started running around the room as if delighted. Seeing it causing a commotion just like a real puppy, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. My shadow also seemed to perk up slightly, lifting its shoulders.
‘…’
Upon witnessing that sight, the puppy bowed its head towards me and then retreated towards the edge again. It was a brief encounter, but feeling a bit disappointed, I examined those traces with my eyes. In that gaze, there was even a hope that another actor might appear. Alan seemed to be aware of my feelings as he promptly introduced another actor. However, this time, it didn’t take the form of an animal.
It was just Alan’s hand.
At first, a somewhat massive hand approached. However, Alan adjusted the distance from the light source, aligning the size of his hand with my shadow. Then, slowly, he approached me.
“Ah…”
I involuntarily flinched and moved back a bit. But Alan didn’t come close and stopped his hand right above my head. The hand, hovering like a cloud, only trembled from above without descending. Once again, he waited for my reaction. I, too, silently stared at that palm.
And there, I discovered my longing for that warm palm.
It was just a shadow. Not the real hand of Alan, just a shadow. However, unlike my gloomy shaded shadow, his shadow conveyed warmth. It seemed soft to the touch. It felt like it could embrace my heart. It seemed like it could soothe the wounds I had endured.
So, unknowingly, I extended my head in that direction. As I did, the palm came down and settled quietly on my shadow.
“Ah…”
A sigh escaped as the mere touch of the shadow. Naturally, tension released from my shoulders, and my head bowed. Alan, like before, tenderly and extremely kindly, stroked my head. Even though I knew this shouldn’t happen. Even though I knew it was just a play with shadows. Yet, I kept pushing my head towards that direction. Because I missed the warmth of others. Because I yearned for that kindness so much.
Of course, despite that, his warmth was not directly felt.
It was still just the shadow being caressed. Not me, but my shadow. Only then did I realize that the reflection on the wall was not me but Yuna. Ultimately, until this moment, the one who could be with him was not me but Yuna.
…
Once again, indescribable emotions surged up.
In that moment, I abruptly stood up. As I did, the hand was withdrawn, and the light that had been shining from behind disappeared instantly. Bones shivered in the returning cold, as warmth faded away. I swiftly approached the window before the remaining light’s energy could completely vanish.
And, with determination, I swung open the firmly closed window.
The moment I opened the window, an incredibly cold breeze rushed in. And simultaneously, his presence filled the view. I didn’t know what to say, my lips trembled, and I slowly stepped back. Alan, looking at me like that, cautiously stepped inside.
Alan once again stood in front of me. No matter how much I pushed him away, he was a stranger crawling up from the edge of my life’s cliff. The first words he offered to this fake landlord were as follows.
“Hello.”