78 – Because I love the woman within you (1)
“…”
“Ellen!”
When I shook off those messages and opened my eyes, I was greeted by a warm embrace from behind.
“Ellen, please. Calm down and listen to me.”
“Let go of this.”
“There’s no point in doing this, Eren. So…”
“Miss Yuna.”
I pushed her away not with her strength, but with her words. Yuna flinched and stepped behind her, as if she had been stabbed by her sword.
“Stop it. I don’t have time to listen to you right now.”
“…”
“So don’t say it’s useless. I’m really sorry, but I…”
“Eren-kun.”
This time it was my turn to keep quiet. That cold title that came from the mouth of no one else but Yuna pierced deep into my heart.
“I know you may hate me, and I think it’s justified. But I really mean it, so it doesn’t help anything.”
“…”
“You can blame me, but rolling around in the dirt like this is really useless.”
“I’m not holding a grudge.”
“Then please listen to me.”
Yuna’s hand held mine. Even though I tried to deny it, the body temperature felt so warm and familiar. She leaned her body towards me for a while and then whispered in a low voice.
“It’s okay just once, right?”
From Noble mtl dot com
“…”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t possibly answer.
Then Yuna nodded her head as if she understood my feelings. And she slowly started pulling my hand. I stumbled after her. The hot sunlight kept stinging her spine.
When we returned home, we sat across from each other at the table. All those stories were still floating around in my head, and I couldn’t raise my head. Yuna just bit her nails in front of me without saying a word.
In the immersed silence, only the crackling sound of nails grinding resounded pitifully. I opened her mouth before her teeth ripped the delicate flesh beneath her fingernails.
“Yuna.”
“…Yes.”
“That girl. Since when did you know about her?”
“What?”
“It’s going to be like this.”
“That’s…”
Yuna hesitated. I already expected that there wouldn’t be a quick answer.
“I’m not sure.”
“You don’t know?”
“It’s clear that he didn’t know at first. Maybe he gradually realized it over time, or maybe he got a hint from the goddess. To be honest, I can’t be sure. I also have moments where I lost focus and missed it.”
“…I see.”
When I answered bitterly, Yuna suddenly raised her head and quickly opened her mouth.
“But one thing is certain. She probably didn’t know it would turn out like this, at least until the moment she confessed her feelings to you. So don’t get me wrong. She truly loved you and was there in that moment hoping to be with you until the end. “
“I know.”
“Yes. It’s absolutely not her fault…”
“And I know that none of this is your fault.”
I finally looked at Yuna with a somewhat calm expression. She began to feel pathetic about herself for being so irritated with her so late.
“You didn’t do it on purpose, but you lost your temper needlessly. I’m sorry if I surprised you.”
“No, that’s totally possible. If you were me, you would have done the same.”
“But Yuna. Has she really disappeared? Really?”
“…”
Even though I now know the truth, lingering feelings held me back until the end. It felt like if I called her name even now, she would appear again as if this was all a joke. At the very least, she hoped that her goddess would stop playing around and return everything to the way it was.
Of course, such vain wishes never became reality.
“Yes. The child returned to the world he came from.”
“Forever?”
“She probably won’t come back.”
“…I see.”
Hearing new truths that I already knew didn’t change anything. The tears that had accumulated in my heart just sank deeper. As if she had stepped into a river in the middle of winter, a cold energy permeated her entire body.
She returned to her original world.
…
Not yet. I couldn’t even tell you all my secrets.
Once again, memories of the past began to flow in like a flood. Normally, I would quickly shake my head to get out of my thoughts, but this time, I let the nightmares consume my body. Those memories I decided to forget. An ugly past that I decided to bury.
She asked me to make her forget. Scars from the past.
There was my mother, dying, bleeding from her head. There was her father, who was panicked and drunk, yelling at me to get him some whiskey.
There was a blanket wrapped around the body while wandering the streets. There was a cold dirt floor and a shepherd barking and running towards me. There was also a second mother’s voice that shook her mind.
And at the end of all those memories, there was that man who extorted money by citing useless knowledge.
Dude.
As capitalists say, if I do well, you will do well too.
Yes. Like a trickle-down effect.
…
The trickle-down effect is…
I ended up laughing without even realizing it. The memories she had tried so hard to forget were rising like a flood. But thanks to that, my frozen body began to move.
“Whoa…”
I slowly stood up from my seat. And then I headed towards the door without saying a word. Of course, Yuna’s voice followed suit.
“Ellen. Where are you going?”
“I hope you’re happy, Yuna.”
“What? Now…Wait a minute. Where are you going now?”
“I have to go quickly. The baby is probably crying by now. So, if you don’t hurry…”
“Ellen!”
“Yuna.”
This time, I opened my mouth first before her hand grabbed my nape. Then Yuna stopped, not even able to grab the hem of her clothes.
“As you know, I was a loner before I met her. Even Guero, who was her only friend, never really understood what I said.”
“But…”
“In the end, wanting to live my second life properly was just arrogance. I don’t know if you heard it that day, but I thought I had already died once, so I had no choice but to live. The only person who understood and supported me like this was that one person. “There wasn’t any.”
“…”
“I don’t think I can live without her, Yuna. So I…”
“I know that!”
Yuna, who had been listening to her in silence, suddenly screamed. Then she forced my body to turn and make eye contact with her.
“I know that. I know everything because I’ve watched everything. But so what? So what are you going to do!”
“Yuna…”
“She’s gone back to her own world. She’s no longer here! But what are you going to do? Are you going to even go over to that world?”
“If necessary, we should do so.”
“Please don’t be so unreasonable!”
I stopped unconsciously at the sound of screaming. If I had felt anger in it, I would have shaken it off, but I didn’t feel that emotion at all. Rather, the suppressed sadness was coming out.
“You don’t think I’ve ever thought of that? Do you think I’ll just feel happy about this situation? No, not at all. On the contrary, I’m also suffering. I’ve seen all the ways she does her best for me. I feel just as much as you do. “I’ve seen that kid up close!”
“I know.”
“Knowing is not enough. Have you ever imagined what it would be like to have someone who is not even your family give everything for you, even sacrificing their own life? At some point, please stop. Do you want to go that far? “I wanted to tell you that it wasn’t necessary. But unlike you, I couldn’t even hold her hand. At the very least, I couldn’t even say thank you!”
“…”
“I wanted to see that girl at least once. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to hug her. Of course, I couldn’t do any of that. Rather, I had to watch her disappear before my eyes. She was the only person in this world who thought of me. “I just had to watch it disappear like that!”
The sound I made with all my might came out horribly. Yuna looked at me with her lips tightly pursed and her face trembled. Her unspoken regret and lingering regret were stirring within her.
“I…I loved her as much as you did. That’s why I couldn’t bear to tell you that she was gone. If I did, I was afraid that her efforts would be in vain, and I would throw away the last chance I had left. “I was scared that it would end up happening.”
“That’s why she hesitated.”
“I know it’s just an excuse, but I couldn’t help it. I also needed time to accept that the person who may have been the last benefactor of my life disappeared like that. And…”
Suddenly, Yuna’s eyes turned to me. Her green eyes were filled with fear.
“…Maybe. I might have to be her replacement for the rest of my life.”
“…”
While she could not bring herself to open her mouth, her hand cautiously moved toward my fingertips. Her hand, which tried to grasp her palm, slipped pitifully and barely managed to grab hold of her short fingernails.
“I can’t say I know all of your feelings of loss. But Ellen, I was there in the moments you and that child were together. I felt it all, too. Your touch, the words you said, and even your body temperature.
“I…”
“I know. It’s disgusting to even say this. I hate myself so much that I can’t stand it. But Ellen, she’s already gone. We’ll never see her again. So, you know….”
At that moment, the hand that was holding her fingertip began to move little by little. But there was so much hesitation that I couldn’t get that close.
At most, the width of her finger joint. The villainous daughter, who had to let go of her hand while still holding on to him, smiled with effort and said,
“Can’t I…I be in her place…?”
“Yuna…”
I couldn’t answer quickly, so I trailed off. So many emotions flashed across Yuna’s face. It must have contained deep emotions that I couldn’t fathom. Some may see Yuna as just the beneficiary of her luck, but she was just a girl who needed help in the end.
But the answer was already decided. So it couldn’t be changed.
“…I’m sorry.”
“Ellen…”
“No matter how much I think about it, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, Yuna.”
“But there is no way…”
“There is always a way.”
I covered Yuna’s lips with a voice full of confidence. It wasn’t a bluff. But Yuna was not convinced until the end and she clung to me.
“Don’t be pushy. You don’t even know which world she went to.”
“I know.”
“Ellen…!”
“Then shall we decide rock, paper, scissors?”
“What?”
Yuna was naturally embarrassed by my absurd suggestion. But I just smiled and held out my hand.
“If I lose, I’ll do as you say. How about that?”
“Such nonsense…”
“I’m the one who killed her mother with rock, paper, scissors. What can’t I do?”
“I don’t want to show your pain like that, Ellen.”
“…Do it anyway. If you do, you lose. Rock, paper, scissors…”
“…Bo.”
Yuna spread her palms out as if she had no choice. I grinned because it was as expected. And she held out only her thumb and index finger in front of him.
“…”
“I won.”
I spoke in a light voice. But Yuna shook her head.
“Stop it, Ellen.”
“But I won.”
“Stop playing around like this. And…”
“And?”
“And these aren’t scissors, rocks, or sidewalks. Why would we even pull a prank like this in a situation like this?”
Yuna pointed at my hand with a slightly angry expression. There were scissors with the thumb and index fingers spread out, not the index and middle fingers. The kid held out the scissors like this. And I was probably the only one who could understand it.
Because there is nothing in this world that looks like this.
On the day when fireworks exploded in the night sky, the thing I was trying to take out of my belt.
The object that the enemy used to aim at beyond the window in nightmares relapsed due to trauma does not exist in this world.
In the end, she was the only one who could understand me suffering in such a ridiculous situation.
“I’m sorry, Yuna.”
In the end, I again conveyed her apology to Yuna. And, even though she knew she could not be forgiven, she added her last words.
“But I have to do whatever it takes to see her again.”