81 – Prologue
It wasn’t until I turned ten that I found out that I was actually fifteen.
If someone hears this, they might say it’s a stupid story. There is nothing to refute. Because I was really stupid. I thought only two years had passed since I left home when I was eight years old and wandered the streets until I was picked up by my older brother. But in reality, I lived by stealing from others and picking up food waste for over 5 years.
Nowadays, I think it was a natural phenomenon. When you live in a land where more than half of the year is winter, your sense of time naturally becomes blurred.
Anyway, I don’t know how he did it, but he found out my personal information and told me that I was fifteen years old. And the fact that fifteen is old enough to hold a gun. From then on, I started learning how to use a gun from him.
And when I turned sixteen, I was able to put as many candles on my birthday cake as the number of people I killed.
I was aware that it was a bad thing to do, but I had no choice but to repay my debt to my brother. The misfortune began when I stole something from a corrupt soldier who was dishonorably discharged. So I had to travel around the world and work as a mercenary at the age of fifteen. It is impossible to count the number of people killed so far.
I wanted to run away. But I was good at it and my brother wouldn’t let me go. Even when things went wrong and the organization was disbanded and the members scattered, he held on to me until the end.
Actually, I didn’t think it was bad until then. At that point, my debt had been paid off and I had officially received the money, so a lot of my ill feelings toward my brother had disappeared. That’s why we fled together to the same country. This time, to a country where winter lasts only a quarter of the year.
It wasn’t easy to adapt. Because the language and the people were all unfamiliar. Fortunately, my brother got used to the country quickly. He learned a lot in a very short time.
Using the methods he had learned, he stole all the money I had and ran away at the last moment.
It wasn’t unfair. I just thought I had finally received the karma for killing so many people. But the problem is that after paying for my sins, I have no reason to live. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, but I just couldn’t muster up the will to live.
There was nothing to do but wait for the karma that would come at the end.
Meaningless time passes by. One quiet night as we welcome winter, just like back in my hometown. The final karma has arrived.
I thought I had closed my eyes like any other day, but at some point, gray smoke filled the room and my entire body began to lose strength. But I didn’t resist. I just had a feeling that something was coming.
When her vision began to gradually blur, she came to me.
So many years have passed that I forgot. With one sentence.
“…Did you say welcome to hell?”
“I don’t know, Mom, but I think it was a good thing to say.”
“I’m a mother. Death is everyone’s first experience, so I have to remain a virgin until the end.”
“But the goddess says she’s too authoritarian. Her older sister is too close. Her aunt is annoying. Then she’s her mother.”
“I really enjoy talking with you, Ellen. I really do.”
The goddess stroked my cheek once again. Then she straightened her back and looked down at me.
“But I died too quickly in this life. Or, to be more precise, I tried to die. What is the reason?”
“I didn’t mean to die. You know.”
“Well, you won’t try to commit suicide now. That’s the second life you begged for, right?”
“hahahaha…”
I couldn’t help but smile at the goddess who asked with squinted eyes. Did I beg and ask you to save me? It’s probably a lie. Because I don’t remember anything like that.
In fact, it was the opposite. She forced her second life into me who was about to face her death.
But I didn’t want to point out that fact. In any case, her second life, given to her by the goddess, was a series of unexpected happiness. The problem is that she took that happiness away at the last moment.
The goddess must also have known that fact very well.
“So it doesn’t look like you were trying to kill me. Are you trying to get my attention?”
“That’s right. You’re sharp as expected.”
“Right? But how were you sure that I would come? There are hundreds of people dying at this very moment.”
“That’s right, Goddess, you like me.”
“Anyway. He’s a really cute human.”
The goddess burst into laughter. Then, before she knew it, she sat down lightly on the chair that appeared out of thin air and tilted her head.
“So what do you want? You called me because you wanted something, right?”
“Of course.”
“What is it? Can’t you tell me now?”
Resting her chin on the armrest, she lowered her voice as if to subtly seduce him. It felt like my ears were being tickled with a long stick. I took a deep breath, knowing that the moment I had been waiting for had finally arrived.
But I had no intention of taking too long. So I opened my mouth right away.
“Please let me return to the original world.”
“To the original world? Why?”
“I have to go find Yoona.”
“…”
There was no answer. I looked at her in her silence, her posture as upright as possible. For a moment, a heavy silence settled in the dark space.
But at the end of that silence, what appeared on the goddess’s lips was a thin smile.
“That name. I can pronounce it quite well now.”
“…”
“And I also found out that you come from the same world as Yoona. Did you notice a lot?”
“Was this your intention?”
“In a way. It’s easier to choose from one place rather than traveling all over the world. Luckily, both of you were the best people to plan Miss Yuna’s fate.”
Optimization.
A word that was so cruelly calculated was embedded in my thoughts. Does this mean that Yoona and I are just puppets that the goddess can use? Maybe she already expected us to be like this.
But what does that matter now? What was important was a firm decision. I slowly walked in front of her and got down on her knees.
Then, he placed her chin on the armrest.
“Goddess.”
“Oh my. You’re so cute.”
She gently scratched my cheek with her fingers. I opened my mouth a little more seriously.
“I don’t know what the goddess wanted from me, but if she wanted Yuna to be happy, I think she did her job quite well.”
“Yes, I’ll admit that. You did a good job.”
“So, I think I can ask you at least one favor now. My role in this world has already been completed. I can freely ask that much, right?”
“Hmm. Does that mean you want compensation?”
“How dare I shamelessly ask for something like that? You’ve already given me so much.”
“Really?”
“Goddess.”
At the last moment, something caught in my throat. Standing in front of me was unknown territory. No one could have predicted what effect my words would have.
I was even a little scared. Nevertheless, I looked straight at the goddess and opened her mouth.
“I will pay any price.”
“Yes?”
“You can take anything from me. You can demand anything from me. I will give my all as long as you send me to Yuna’s world.”
“You’re willing to give everything?”
“Yes, my everything. If you want my body, I will give it to you. If you want to entrust me with something again, of course I will.”
“…”
“I will pay any price…Any price. There is only one thing I want.”
“…”
“Please send me to her world. I ask you this, goddess.”
I bowed my head with those last words. This was the only thing I could offer in this unfair transaction. A fate that has already become twisted and twisted. A worn-out body. There was only that.
If she were a goddess, she would twist even that skinny being and squeeze out drops of blood.
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She just hoped that the country she was strangely obsessed with would still like her existence.
“I will pay any price…”
While I was lowering my head, the goddess quietly pondered my words. There was also a look of being in a bit of shock. She was repeating my words over and over again until my forehead hit the armrest of hers.
And the next moment, the goddess burst into laughter like crazy.
“Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha! hahahaha!”
“…”
“hahahahaha! Ugh…Ahahahaha…Sigh…Ahahahaha!”
“Goddess?”
“Ah…Ahahahahah…Ah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this…Sigh…hahahaha…”
The goddess smiled brightly, even shedding her tears. As I looked on with a puzzled expression, she shook her shoulders and stroked my head.
“A master? Oh my god. Where can you find such a thing, Ellen?”
“But what I can give you now is…”
“No, that’s not it. Why are you pretending not to know? Are you doing this on purpose to make me laugh? If that’s the case, then I really have no choice but to love you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Hey, what’s wrong? You know.”
Now she looked at me in a completely calm state. Then she opened her mouth again with a smile filling her mouth.
“Going to that world itself is something you have to pay a very high price for.”
“…”
The truth covered my mouth. At that moment, I couldn’t help but smile. Her point was so accurate it made my bones ache.
“You know that no matter how much I erased my memories, the body in that world is so weak compared to the body I have now. Did you really think I would send you to that world in this state? I don’t have the ability to do that, Eren.”
“That’s not what I wanted.”
“Really? Are you really going to give up this handsome face? This good-looking body? Your status as an academy student? Are you going to give it all up and go back to that world?”
“Am I that handsome?”
“At least it’s neat.”
“I…”
“And when I return to that body, all the memories I’ve forgotten will come back, Eren.”
I raised my head at the slightly cold tone of voice. The smile on the goddess’s lips had faded a little.
“What price do you have to pay to return to the original world? You don’t need anything. After all, this second life itself is like a gift prepared for you who died a very miserable death. What is the price for refusing the birthday present? “There are no crazy customers asking for it.”
“…”
“There’s only one thing I want to ask. Are you really confident that you won’t regret it? Aside from everything else, this body called Eren and the memories contained within it. You know best what value it has to you.”
“I know very well.”
“And you still want to go back? Are you serious?”
There was no longer any sign of sarcasm or smirking. The words, filled with goddess-like authority, contained only truth so heavy that it was difficult to fathom. Even there, I could feel the mother’s concern for her child.
Maybe. It might be right to quietly listen to the goddess.
According to common sense, that would have been correct.
“Goddess.”
But I finally raised my head. I was too crazy to be a servant who quietly followed the words of the goddess, and I was an immoral child with a record of already killing my mother to be a good son who followed her mother’s advice.
So, I faced her with her refreshing smile. And she repeated in front of the goddess what she had said countless times.
“It’s something I’ve already decided to do.”
“I have seen the resolve of mortals crumble countless times.”
“Do I look like one of those mortals?”
“What…”
Even in my own opinion, it was a truly arrogant answer. From the goddess’s perspective, it could have felt unpleasant. You must have seen countless people who answered this way.
But instead of being offended, she slowly nodded and answered.
“That’s not true.”
“Then can I go now? I’m getting tired of hearing my mom nag. I have to go see my girlfriend now, so can you please leave me alone?”
“hahahaha…You really…”
Suddenly, a smile appeared on the lips of the goddess again. She looked at me with her slightly narrowed eyes and then opened her mouth in a raspy voice.
“Well, to be honest, I have no right to stop you. You performed the role I wanted excellently, and I can’t help but decide that you will return of your own volition. But Eren, I have to try to stop you until the end.”
“It may be of no use, but I will listen. What is it?”
“It will be difficult to adapt. Not only your body but also the environment will be very different.”
“I’ve already adapted to a different world once.”
“There is no academy there that will accept you.”
“I’m rather glad. I won’t have to take classes.”
“It will be difficult to find Miss Yoona. There are billions of people living in that land.”
“But Mom, you’re going to help me a little anyway, aren’t you?”
“Ahahahaha…”
When I nodded her head, the goddess burst into laughter again. But she didn’t last long this time. She cupped my cheeks again and tilted her head this way.
“No matter how much I try to stop you, you won’t listen. I understand. I’ll let you go.”
“Thank you, goddess. Can I close my eyes like I did then?”
“Are you ready already?”
“You know. You don’t have to answer.”
I closed my eyes without hesitation. A soft sound of laughter spread across the pitch-black field of vision again. The goddess rubbed my eyelids for a while and then took her hand away.
“Okay. Then I’ll send it to you right away, Ellen.”
“Thank you. I won’t repay this favor, but I will never forget it.”
“But since you keep calling me mom, I’ll nag you like a mom before I send you away.”
Suddenly, the warmth that had filled my entire body disappeared in an instant, and a cold feeling tightened my chest. Because I had already experienced this feeling once, I could sense that my body would soon be scattered into the air.
At the last moment, the goddess’ playful voice rang loudly.
“When you enter the room, first open the window.”
With those words, she tapped my forehead with her finger and pushed it away. Very slowly, my consciousness began to be sucked somewhere. She was a prodigal child who had wandered across dimensions beyond the world and was trying to return to her hometown after a long time.
That’s how Ellen’s story ended.
And the story that had once been cut off began to stir in my veins once again.
Not Ellen’s story, but my story.
So I…
The next moment, I woke up coughing like crazy in a cloud of gray smoke.
“…!!!”
In an instant, the darkness in front of my eyes dispersed and a dim landscape covered my vision. An excruciating headache pounded my brain as if it were full of sharp thumbtacks. In that intense pain, not even a voice could come out.
“…!”
Mental fatigue destroyed my body, and I gradually began to lose strength throughout my body. Death was about to come again to my barely recovered body.
“…!!”
The moment everything was about to end, I stubbornly crawled across the floor toward the wall. I couldn’t even remember where it was, but I just hoped there was a window in front of it.
As if that wish had come true, a small window caught my eye on the wall where I hit my head. I barely dragged myself on my weak legs and grabbed the window sill with my hand. And, with the last of my strength, I opened the window with all my might.
“…Haaah! Haaah! Ah…Ahaah…!”
At that moment, cold air rushed through my lungs, and the moan I had been suppressing came out in an instant. Tears, saliva, and something fishy flowed down. Only then did I remember the last words the goddess left me.
When you enter the room, first open the window.
Her kindness brought tears to my eyes.
“Haa…Ah…Ah…”
I filled my body with fresh air and slowly turned my head. The gray smoke I had seen earlier suddenly disappeared, and only the blurry scenery of the room was visible. Was the acting just my imagination? Or maybe I just misunderstood because my vision was so blurry.
I couldn’t tell which side it was, but the stove built into the wall in the corner caught my eye. Is that the culprit? It wasn’t a fire or anything, but the stove burning alone in a closed room was never viewed positively.
“Aha…Ugh…”
As I pondered over the cause of my own death with a hardened head, I soon took a step forward. First of all, I wanted to breathe some clean air. As soon as that thought occurred to me, I wrenched open the door to the other side.
Just like that, I was once again embraced by a cruel world.
The world I came back to was in a deep sleep. A heart-chilling wind tore through my cheeks, as if admonishing a child who had run away from home. The smell of my hometown that I longed for was the scent of dry pine trees in the frosty winter wind.
“Haaa…”
I walked along, emitting white smoke. The lights on the street danced like crazy in time with my staggering steps. If I continued like this, I felt like I was going to collapse any moment. Water is. I needed water to drink.
As I was still wandering around with blurry eyes, I noticed a store with lights still shining through. I couldn’t tell what was written, but I moved towards that place. Anyway, I thought there would be people there, so if I asked politely, they would give me a glass of water.
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When I carefully pushed open the door of the store, a clear bell rang. As soon as I entered, I looked for people inside, but I didn’t feel like I was there.
“Hey…Is there anyone there?”
There was still no answer. I looked around with anxious eyes. The world I returned to after a long time was still unfamiliar. Unlike that world, there were strange boxes piled up on the walls and floor. Numerous objects whose purpose is unknown. The numerous lights hanging from the ceiling of the store confused my mind.
Meanwhile, there were some familiar objects. For example, the numerous water bottles on the wall over there. I knew I shouldn’t do that, but I headed in that direction without any solution. I thought I should take a sip first and ask for understanding.
But as I walked up to the wall and reached for the water bottle, something clear hit my hand.
“Uh…Huh?”
Although I didn’t receive a strong shock, I stared blankly at the water bottle with my fingers wrapped around it. It was still there. What’s wrong? As I was about to look closely, I suddenly heard a deep voice coming from next to me.
“Over there!”
“…!”
I was startled and flinched my shoulders, as if I had been a thief. No, actually he is a thief. I was trying to do something similar. First, I looked as apologetic as possible and looked towards the direction from which the voice came.
“I’m sorry. I just…”
“Hey. That…”
When we made eye contact like that, we both closed our mouths at the same time. I was surprised by her man’s unfamiliar attire, and her man also looked at me with a shocked expression for some reason. He looked at me for a long time and finally opened his mouth.
“Hey…Customer. Inside the store…”
“…”
“You have to wear a mask…”
“…”
…
The man could not bear to continue her words and shut her mouth. I couldn’t tell what mask he was talking about, but I could at least tell that he was very surprised by my appearance. Only then did I turn my head and look at my inner self reflected on the transparent wall from before.
And then, I made eye contact with a boy whose one eye had faded to pure white.
“…”
At that moment, I was at a loss for words. I thought that if I were that guy, I would have been quite surprised if I had encountered a boy who looked like this.
There were so many reasons that it was unclear what exactly the man was surprised to see. Maybe it was because he was unfamiliar with me having yellow hair and blue eyes, unlike him. Or maybe it was because I felt madness at the boldness of wearing only a shirt in the middle of winter.
Or was it because the burn marks covering the entire nape of his neck were so hideous?
I raised my hand and caressed the back of my neck. The old scar no longer hurts anymore. But it was so terrible that even half an eye could see it. I thought it was not unreasonable for the man to be surprised.
And at the same time, I felt fortunate.
Because there will be more scars hidden under the clothes.
Only then slowly did the memories of this world begin to return.
Those memories I once forgot. Blood began to flow like drops from the scar that could not be erased.
“…”
Belatedly, as all the facts filled my mind, I started laughing without realizing it. I guess I laugh when times are tough. It might feel a little scary from the perspective of the man watching.
“Whoa…”
Recovering my memories made me feel at ease. It was definitely an illusion, but for now I had no choice but to rely on this feeling.
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“Over there.”
“Yes…Yes?”
She turned her head towards her man once again. He now looked at me with an expression that was beyond surprise and even a hint of fear. Seeing that image reminded him of a girl who once looked at me and had the same expression on her face.
I filled her head with images of that girl and took her first steps toward finding her.
“What day is today?”