When the sniffling had subsided and the tingling sensation on her cheeks had faded, she opened her mouth.
“⋯⋯Ah, I really hate it.”
The snot from her nose shook my hair. She tried to laugh, but couldn’t hide the squeaky voice of walking on the mud.
“You don’t like it too?”
Without opening her mouth, she hugged my neck. And then whispered as if pleading.
“Don’t try to answer⋯⋯.”
It was a contradictory statement, but somehow, I felt like I knew the feeling, so my heart was pounding.
“I know ⋯⋯. i’m weird That’s insane.”
I lay there without a word.
Rather than thinking about what to say, I wanted to focus on the words coming out of her mouth right now.
“I want to stop. I want to live a normal life like everyone else. But I can’t. Because I killed people. Because there is blood on my hands⋯⋯.”
Silence came again. Her hesitation flowed through her chest.
He bent over and wrapped his arms around her neck.
He forcibly squeezed the gap between his fingers that rose like a fence, interlocked them, and hugged them tightly so that they could not escape.
she resisted He tried to push my hand away as if displeased, and even bit me.
He didn’t say anything and didn’t return any response. Instead, I decided to grab the little hand wriggling under my palm more strongly.
“It hurts, Dojin-ah.”
pretended not to hear As if I didn’t know it, I brazenly gave strength to the hand I grabbed.
“It hurts⋯⋯.”
A hot breath ran down my shoulder, and I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb. Until she vomits everything out, keep going.
“⋯⋯ I.”
As time passed and all the heat that enveloped the room had dissipated, she opened her mouth.
“I had a brother.”
She was lying next to me, gently stroking my nails.
“When I entered the house, he always ran out. Then he took my hand with that little hand, took me to my room and showed me my sketchbook.”
Sometimes I pinched my little finger with my forefinger as I spoke slowly.
“Every time that happened, my heart throbbed. I hated and hated that child who had everything I didn’t have, so I couldn’t bear to envy him.”
I rubbed the back of her hand again.
“I hate that kid. I don’t want to mix words. But I didn’t want to be a bad kid, so I decided to hide it.”
He rubbed very slowly, hoping that he could focus on the wriggling sensation in the back of his hand rather than the words coming out of his mouth.
“But he knew.”
Her fingers stopped.
“So he is dead. jump off.”
It seemed to be suffocating.
“I didn’t admit it until the end. Even the moment he fell asleep, I didn’t want to admit it was my fault. I wanted to blame him for everything.”
I was crushed by the pain conveyed by the voice, and for a moment even thought I wanted to cover my ears.
“But no.”
I felt a slight tremor under my palm.
“I needed a statement from someone who knew the end of the child. I was both afraid and resentful, so I quickly raised my hand. I was going to say that he looked fine until the day before. Then my parents saw me.”
I shut my eyes tight.
“I only found out when I saw those eyes. What have I done⋯⋯.”
She said.
“I killed him.”
With a voice that sounded like a swarm of insects crawling out, he declared cruelly.
“I could have stopped it, but I pushed it.”
“no.”
Even though he knew it was a word that should not be taken lightly, he could not overcome the rising burp and reflexively vomited.
“I see.”
she muttered a little.
“You listen to me ⋯⋯.”
“Sister, I-.”
“He was the same.”
I was speechless as I felt a stab in the middle of my chest. Turning her head, she looked at her with a fishy smile and held out her hand.
“with you.”
As I spoke, her fingers ran through my hair. The finger gradually descended, caressing his eyebrows, pinching his nose, and pricking his lips.
This is the identity of the person in her eyes.
A scorching heat rushed up the back of his neck.
“Sister.”
I thought she was very ferocious, trying to put the curtain down on her own without even listening to her.
“What would you say if you heard me say that?”
“uh?”
“I actually had a sister, and I asked how I would respond if I heard that she was being used as a substitute for her.”
Her expression collapsed in an instant at the direct and aggressive tone of voice.
“Can you hate me?”
She licked her lips but didn’t say anything back.
“Then why are you saying that?”
Even if you come here and know the truth, nothing will change. You can’t hate her. never.
“Yeah, but I’m Dojin for you⋯⋯.”
Her eyes flashed open as she muttered in protest.
“okay! F, the prototype. You took away a lot of the hard-earned plastic model. For food, I forced myself to eat only what I thought was good, and I continued to do things that you didn’t like while stalking strangely—”
“Because I never told you.”
“What ⋯⋯?”
If she really thought that it was her fault, that this and that was her responsibility, she would have been able to act as she wanted.
That’s not it, so I’m here right now.
I relaxed my neck. Then, he scraped off a single word stuck inside the hole and managed to shake it off.
“I knew ⋯⋯.”
Hearing my words, she blinked her eyes with an expression that she did not understand the English language.
“The person who hit me that day was not me, but my sister.”
I think back to the day I first met my sister.
The expression on his face as he swung his fists with an eerily subdued expression, the expression he showed when he carefully lifted me up and took me to the bathroom, the warmth he conveyed by wiping the bloodstains from my face.
think of all
It was frustrating. I couldn’t help but think of that when I saw them waving their fists for someone who didn’t even have a face and caressing their cheeks with such a desperate expression.
I was curious. I’m curious as to why this person is doing this.
So, when I happened to find her face in a cafe, I just started talking to her impulsively, and I continued to communicate with her using various incidents as an excuse.
Because I wanted to look inside.
As time passed, I was finally able to find the face of someone other than myself in her eyes looking at me.
found out instantly. I’m someone’s substitute.
Because I was doing the same thing.
I should have dug up then. I should have clearly explained how I was feeling and asked for an explanation.
So I should have brushed it all off.
But time did not allow it. A woman named Dasom was sitting too large inside me to speak logically about my interests.
Unconditional love that I feel for the first time in my life, and infinite trust that doesn’t question what I say.
The unfamiliar touch felt so warm, so I was projecting the image of the family I had longed for and dreamed of on Dasom.
So I got scared.
Because I wasn’t worth it. Because I knew all too well that I was a person who couldn’t give as much as I received and couldn’t live up to expectations.
Because he knew more than anyone what he would do if he was disappointed.
I decided to keep my mouth shut.
Knowing what the end would be like, I decided to close my eyes and turn away from reality for a moment of happiness.
⋯⋯And at such a topic, jealousy exploded from the inside of my heart and I was grumpy.
On a topic that I had never been able to properly confide in, she complained of ignorance, saying that she did not recognize my sincerity.
It was only after I put it out in words that I realized what my mistake was.
“⋯⋯Don’t lie.”
Hearing everything I said, she frowned.
“It’s not a lie.”
“therefore? i started first It was because I thought you were a substitute for my brother and hurt you. All I-.”
“So you asked.”
He grabbed her hand and grabbed her face as she was about to run away. And looking into those eyes, he asked the question again.
“How was today?”
My older sister projected my younger sister to me and I projected my family to my older sister.
If my older sister wasn’t the one who needed my brother, and I wasn’t the one who needed my family.
If I had entered college without any background and met face to face, would the relationship we have now be possible?
Absolutely not. That alone cannot be denied.
But, isn’t that what meeting is really like?
We liked our looks, we had the same hobbies, our stories fit well, our business directions were similar, our parents were close to each other, and we were in the same group in group assignments⋯⋯.
Everyone has a purpose and meets people to achieve it. My sister and I just had an unusual purpose.
What’s important is next.
What you think of the person when the purpose is achieved and the pleasure from that achievement fades away determines the future of the relationship.
reminds me of my sister
It reminds me of my older sister who always watches over me. I remember my older sister who believed in me and supported me while giving me harsh advice.
I think of my sister again.
Occasionally he makes absurd remarks, staggers in embarrassment over mistakes, is timid, commits a mountain of stupid things because of it, is annoying, sometimes shows cute reactions that don’t fit his appearance, and tears a lot.
Think of the figure of Dasom.
“I had fun.”
So even if she stops looking for my brother, I will continue to love her even if she no longer shows me her family.
Being with Dasom is always fun.