81 – Trial
Mom is going to trial in court.
To be honest, I don’t care if my mother ends up in prison or a mental hospital.
For me, my mother is just that much of an existence.
Until now, I had never been loved by her mother, and I was beaten every day.
…Coming to think of it, I think it has something to do with what outcome my mother gets from this trial.
She wants her mother to just disappear. I wish she was gone. She wished she never had to meet her like this anymore.
I’d rather live with my grandfather, who seems to have a lot of plans for me.
I think that’s better. When I was going to be tried in court, I watched what her mom was going through because she deserved it.
What kind of punishment the mother will receive. …Since the case was a case, the atmosphere in the courthouse was so heavy and bloody that I couldn’t even cough.
The trial process… I’m in middle school, so I’m not sure how it works.
Actually, I’ve never experienced anything like this before, so I don’t even know how it works.
In other words, the prosecutor tells her mother how many years to punish her, and the judge taps her to do so, ending the trial.
The role of the lawyer is to reduce the sentence by saying, “Prosecutor, this is too harsh a sentence… I know it’s something like that.”
Or not. How do I know about a trial or something…
Still, seeing how things were going, how the case had progressed- Starting with that story, the mother’s lawyers started talking about this and that.
At that time, her grandfather whispered to me that the lawyers were lawyers from a very famous law firm called ‘Hanbada’.
A law firm is… So- they say it’s a company of lawyers… My grandfather said that this is the first time that so many lawyers have come, not just one.
And there- on the other side, where the people who have been hurt by my mother are.
Unfortunately, my parents over there were terribly abused by my mother, so there was no one on the other side except a girl my age.
The government didn’t seem to have much motivation to say that the government provides support for public defenders for those who cannot hire their own lawyers.
Even when he spoke, he mumbled, stuttered or… Overall he seemed unmotivated. I really don’t want to do it, but I feel like I’ve been forced out..?
“…This judge sentences the plaintiff… Probation…!”
Probation…? What the hell is that..? A prescription for probation in a mental hospital..? I understand the prescription for probation in the hospital- but what the heck is probation?
There were a lot of things I wanted to ask people about. Ur- people started to leave.
With the judge in the middle as the center, the people on the left and the girl on the right were sitting. She continued to sit and cry until everyone on our side had left.
I… To be honest, I felt very complicated when I saw that girl. Before she came to court, she saw how the boy was doing with my dad.
Walking in the park while riding on Dad’s shoulders, feeding giraffes with snacks at the zoo, getting soaked in water boats together at an amusement park- I don’t know who took the pictures. Every single photo…
Dad can look like this while watching slowly. He found out.
The father I knew was always lethargic, scared and afraid of my mother and me. And he was just staring out his window with empty eyes.
The father in the picture was so benevolent, bright, and like a different person.
Actually… I also want to hold Dad’s hand and go to the zoo, go to the amusement park and go to the haunted house.
Like the child in the picture, I wanted to hold my mom and dad’s hands and happily go on a picnic, go skiing at a sledding slope, and go to the sea in the summer.
…I was so envious that I had an experience that I had never had before.
You said you were sad that your mother died..? You said you were sad that your father died…? To me, my mom and dad were the ones who only gave me pain, so… I’d rather have my mom and dad disappear from the world dozens or hundreds of times.
Then… I can live with Yoo Seon at the nursery school- I’d rather die from being run over by a truck. Every time I wished I was stabbed to death…
Why…? Why….?? He treats me so kindly, but why am I being so mean? I didn’t do anything wrong. My mom did the wrong thing, but I was just born, so should I suffer?
…I keep thinking of my dad in the picture. Maybe… Yes, maybe if it wasn’t for that family…
Did my father take good care of my mother and me?
I thought that if my father had looked at me and smiled kindly like the person in the picture and had given me a ride on a wooden horse and a ride on a plane, my mother wouldn’t have been broken to the point of persecuting me and killing others like she is now.
“…What do you think?”
“… Huh?”
“What do you think about the outcome of this trial?”
I was sitting and imagining this and that, but I heard a voice next to me, and when I looked over, there was a girl from the family who had been terribly abused by my mother, standing in front of me.
…In a way, we are sisters with the same father, but we look different. He has black hair, and I have brown hair. He’s taller, I’m shorter…
“Don’t ignore me… Answer my questions! What were you thinking??”
“…Uh… Sorry… I just had no idea…”
“…? Huh…?”
“I didn’t have any thoughts either. Me too… I’ve just been here for 4 days…? 5 Days…? It’s only been that long. What do I think…
I don’t even know what the contents of the previous trial were. So… I’m sorry… To be honest, I have no idea about you… I just… I’m having a hard time too, and I don’t know what to do.
Mom… I was beaten and slapped by my mother every day as if my calf was about to explode, so it was hard.
I really want my mom to go to prison… Enforcement..? Grace…? I heard people talking behind it – a no-jail deal.”
“…What are you talking about…! I… I lost everything…! Because of your mother, I f*cking lost everything…! I lost my family, my home, and my happiness. Do you think it makes sense to not have any thoughts?”
“…Then tell me what to do…!!! It’s what my mom did- I’m a victim too. Because of my mom, I always want to commit suicide, I want to die.
I thought it countless times. I also wish that woman was run over by a truck- I thought dozens or hundreds of times a day that a nursery school would be better than this house- but what am I supposed to do when the result came out like this..!
I am not a lawyer, nor a judge, nor a prosecutor! What to do with the trial result like this! I am a common man I can’t even pass a death sentence!
I hate my mother too! It’s annoying! I’m disgusted to death! I lived being bullied by my mother all the time, but why doesn’t she say anything to my mother, why does she come to me and say something…!?”
“…Do you think it makes sense that I killed a person… And not even go to jail…?”
“…After all, my dad is a bad person too”
“..Hey, what did you say to my dad right now…? My dad was a good person”
“I must have been a good father only to you! Do you know what your father did to me..? I’ve never experienced anything like that! I also wanted to go to the zoo and grow up with a good mother and a good father! Me too…… Me too… I… I…”
I have nothing to say. Why did we have this conversation…? Just, I don’t know. But… One thing is for sure.
“…You have everything I ever wanted…”
A good father, a good mother… I only need one of them.
“…Do you think that makes sense now…? You say it’s hard too? I’m having a hard time too. I think I’m just going to die!
Boss ‘agreement’. ‘Agreement’ How could you say that to me..? I think this makes no sense. That’s right! How… Such a thing…!”
“…..So!!!! Look at me!!!! What should I do?!!!!!”
I can’t stand it.
The two of us are talking about the same things like Dodol-Ipyo…!
“I know you’re sad! Don’t talk to me! I don’t know who your mother is! And I’ve been a good dad to you! Trash to me!”
– Pair!
My cheeks are tingling. I immediately raised my hand to her and slapped her on both cheeks. And I pushed the child hard.
-Quadang!
That kid who was bigger than me and pushed too easily.
“I… I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m a victim too! It was hard too! If you have anything to say, tell my mom! And… You, I’m offended. I don’t want you to see me again!”
The last words came out on impulse. I don’t know why… I just had a momentary thought that I hated that girl. Because I thought that the child had taken away all the love I deserved from my father, so haven’t I had a hard life since I was a child until now…? It was a crazy idea, but
At the time, I thought to myself that it was plausible.
So… I spat it out at the girl… She didn’t say anything… She just… Looked at me… With a puzzled expression. Only then did I start to come to my senses.
Did I push too hard? Thinking of that, it smells a little bit boring… This kid must be terrified… I know. I feel like this. This emotion. I know…
Yoo Seon told me not to do to others what I don’t want to do to myself. So… It’s late…
“…I’ll tell Grandpa. I’ll help you… Enough money to live on… For the rest of your life… Is that enough…? I’m sorry… All I have is money.” I’m only here… I’m so sorry… So… Let’s stop talking… Me too… I’m having a hard time…”